Don't Buy What I'm Selling

I should've been a used car salesman. They get a bad rap because they're dishonest. Hence the fact metaphorically I should've been one. I apologize to all the honest used car salesmen.

I am an alcoholic. Plain and simple. No point in mincing words or candy coating it. So as an alcoholic I've gotten good at hiding that fact from those I love. Selling false goods. Using their hope knowing it will cause blindness while listening to me profess how I'm clean and sober while I wait until I can have my next drink. I'm a fake at this point.

I haven't been sober as long as my family thinks I have been. I've gotten lazy at fighting and instead beat myself with the bottle. I've been stressed and have used the proverbial coping skills I've become so talented at. If I could sell it as art I'd be known worldwide. The bad thing is it still didn't help me sleep. I mixed booze with my medication which is a huge no-no in hopes I could sleep. Numb. Forget for awhile. Anything really.

I preach to my kids not to be like me. Keep it under control. You've got an example in front of you where that path leads. But I also teach them to be honest. How hypocritical have I been? The classic do as I say not as I do. I can't expect anything from them if I can't back it up myself. My dad always told me all a man has is his word. I've not kept up with that teaching.

I'm going to screw up and my family has always supported me. They've been there when I've admitted I've drank. So why lie now? What's the point? I'm 41 years old so it's not like I can get grounded. There's zero repercussions they can give me so again why lie?  Because there's been so much disappointment. There's been so much said about how proud they are. Because I write this blog and have come so far with being bipolar that I get cocky and forget I'm still an alcoholic that will take any excuse to drink.

I learned to use it as a coping mechanism at a young age. Then it became a necessity. I see it, smell it, hear about it I'm ready to drink until I fall down. Until I get arrested. Until I hurt those around me. Until everyone is laughing at me instead of with me. I know all of this yet I still want to do it. Every single minute of every single hour sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe always.

So I'm not saying that I won't drink tomorrow or the day after. I'm not saying that I will. What I am saying is I won't lie about it anymore. If I can not be ashamed of being bipolar then I shouldn't be ashamed admitting I have a problem and be honest when it gets the best of me.

I'm sorry for those I've disappointed and lied to. I'm sorry for selling bullshit while trying to convince you it's a diamond. I at least owe you all that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

So I Write

I write a lot about a lot of things. I'm passionate about what I write because it has meaning and context. I feel like I can make a difference. But what if I don't feel like I can? What if I can't convince myself today that it's for a mutual benefit?

Sometimes I need to write because I can. That because of that fact I still feel human. That I'm normal. That I'm still breathing. And sometimes that's enough.

I've been pondering what my next blog was going to be about and it threw me for a loop because I wasn't sure. So hours turned into days and days weeks. I felt like I needed something legitimate to talk about and it evaded me. That's when I realized that's exactly what I needed to talk about. Nothing.

When I start trying to decide how I can get people to read my blog then I have entirely defeated the reason for writing it in the first place. It becomes forced and unbelievable. It becomes not me. I've fight too hard to be me so I refuse to sell out now.

So I have no message. I have no points of wisdom that will explain the unexplainable today. And I'm fine with that. You know why?  Because I realized I can write because I can. Plain and simple. I enjoy writing. I can. So I did.

If there's something you're expecting it of this then fine, I give you this. There doesn't have to be a reason for something. There doesn't have to be an expected outcome. There doesn't have to be expectations. If you enjoy doing something then do it and let that be the only reason.

Keep life simple and do the things that make you happy. The things that make you happy need no explanation at all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully