When the sun goes down, the demons come to play. I haven't written in awhile because I've had a lot going on in reality and in my head. I try to process both realms before I put words on a page for everyone to read so that I can be nice, coherent and rational. I'm not sure I've ever been accused of being all three at the same time but one must have goals, right?
This week has been stressful, cold, miserable-a ton of negative words that describes how I've felt. I can't get my mind to shut the f up. I can't process some things and that's unacceptable. I've felt like a failure. I've relived my past and analyzed everywhere I went wrong that's led to where I am now. I'm experiencing my personal hell while others sleep the sleep of no remorse or conscience.
It's even seeped into my dreams. Makes me dread sleep. They're so real that it takes me awhile to snap out of it and then I don't want to go back to sleep for fear of what the next dream entails. I'd rather have one dream to obsess over than multiple. I took my Zyprexa last night like I'm supposed to when I can't shut it down and get stable sleep. I slept for 3 hours. I swore I could hear someone walking around in my house and after a thorough check, my rational side lecturing me the whole time, my unrational side came to the conclusion that they're probably hiding in the attic so I blocked the door leading to it because in the attic they'll now stay.
So now that I got that picture of insanity painted on the canvas of your brain we can continue. I've really come to enjoy my own company. If that sounds conceited it's supposed to because who else can give me all these conversations I have with myself and the walls? Who can stand up to a bar set so high? Why should I have idle conversations when I can intelligently tell myself where things went wrong with no possible way to change that moment in time so therefore the solution to the problem is deal with it. Oh I don't understand others actions? Well by all means obsess over it for hours until you come up with a solution of jack shit. Then I can go back to the actions and choices of the picture of perfection I call my past and live experiences over and over while playing the extremely fun game of what if I had done this instead of that and take the game on step further called analyzation and branch that out to possible outcomes that are impossible to achieve while my brain refuses to quit playing the game because like in Monopoly I must have all the pieces on the board before I can say I've won and the game is over. That has to be one of the longest sentences I've ever written in my life. Nothing like a rant sentence to win that achievement. Gold star is going on my fridge for the day and it's barely after 5am.
So to say the least, I'm struggling this week. Maybe longer but who's keeping track? My brain, come on people, work with me here. Luckily I have therapy this morning. Probably a good thing. Poor Joey has no idea what she's in for. Or maybe she does. She is blessed with my presence every Friday after all.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
