Yeah I know, the title doesn't make sense on how all of that equals progress but in my world of bipolar it makes perfect sense so I'm going to break it down one time (couldn't resist) and explain.
How's everybody been? It's almost there months to the day since my last blog but like I've said before, I don't write for the sake of pumping something out just so I can have a post or get likes on social media. I take this blog very serious so I write when I have something serious to talk about and I use this as a form of therapy for myself. If I write just for the sake of writing then I'm not doing myself any favors. I'll try to be more consistent but once again I promise nothing.
So irregularities. Oh boy has that been an issue which also ties into the irritability but we'll get there. Anyone that really knows me, I am a schedule/time oriented person. If something starts at 9 and I don't get there by 8:45 then I'm late. I won't go watch a movie if the previews have already started. I have routines. I don't like my routines messed with. I have certain days I do certain things and I can't relax if they don't go the way they're suppose to. I sit and stew on the fact that I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing instead of what I'm actually doing.
So in walks irritability. I get irritable. Very irritable. Too much sensory or extracurricular activities start going on then it stresses me and stress turns to anger. Change is not a good thing with me no what the saying says about it being otherwise. I do this and then I do this and then I do this. I don't have time for the thats. I start shutting down and then I disappear. I hide from the outside world while trying to get my shit together. I'm perfectly fine not leaving my house for the entire weekend.
Irrational behavior doesn't always mean I'm flipping the f out. It may mean I decided to drink a beer after not having one for a month. I may not respond to texts or phone calls. I may go to Walmart so I can buy some thing I've decided I needed on a whim or order something on Amazon because it makes me feel better. It may mean I flip the f out.
So I've covered all the bases and I'm sure your confused on how this equals progress. Well let me clarify. I use to look at all of these as a negative thing. I would chastise myself for alerting myself to behave in these ways. Then I started looking at it in a positive light. You know why I react in these ways? Because I have allowed myself to get out of my comfort zone. I have had my routine or schedule get changed but I still went along with it. Yeah it made me irritable or maybe irrational but only because I didn't completely shut down and refuse to go along with it. I'm starting to have more irregularities in my life because I'm allowing there to be irregularities in my life.
I'm losing my therapist for three months because she's having a baby. She told me she feels perfectly fine with that face because she knows I'm in a good place and I can do it. She couldn't have said that 6 months ago. I worked over three hours away for the last week in a town I know nothing about and I did it. I went to a beard competition and competed in front of people last month. Even met and talked to a great group of people that I had never met before in my life. Many more examples of changes I have made but my point is I'm making changes. I'm not letting my bipolar constantly dictate if I'm going to have fun or not. I don't let it constantly dictate that I'm not going to leave my place for an entire weekend. I'm no longer letting it constantly dictate me.
So I may have some irregularities and get irritable and have some some Irrational behaviours from time to time but that just tells me it's equaling progress.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
