I haven't been journaling until recently either and I know that doesn't help. Getting my thoughts on paper has always been a release for me but not taking the avenues that lead to stability have been a hindrance as well in my dealings with bipolar. I'm feeling good so why maintain a routine that got me there?
As I write this I just want to delete it. I feel like I'm rambling as a thousand strands of thought race thru my mind every second. I'm struggling to stay on track. I missed my med appointment with Derek and every time I call I get the secretary's voicemail. Do I leave a voicemail? Of course not because it infuriates me I'm getting voicemail instead of a human. So much better not to have an appointment than to leave what I want on a machine. Right? That's the proper way to handle that situation isn't it? I mean it leads to me rambling on my blog and feeling like I or someone anyway wants to crawl out of my skin so good job Ryan. Whichever Ryan that happens to be.
I know everything I'm going thru right now is part of my bipolar. Even on medication. That's what's frustrating is I demand perfection. I take my meds so why do I still get the bad parts? I mean the pills mean a 100% promise that I won't have to still be bipolar, right? That I won't have days I have to struggle or hate everything for no reason or want to quit my job and go live in the woods and disappear. I won't struggle with the paranoia or voices or all the other "crazy" shit I've tried to hide or be embarrassed of in the past.
I always try to remain positive as I've come too far in the past year and a half or so to give up. I thought about it last night as I sat down at a bar and decided pills for me use to come in the form of a pint. I wanted to drink a lot of those pills but instead I got up and left. I made the choice to get up, walk out the door and go home. I did that. Me. Instead I made a delicious stew and went to bed. So as my title asks which Ryan am I speaking with it's honestly hard to tell sometimes but that's the Ryan that is serious about controlling his bipolar and not taking the easy way out. It's easy to get drunk and get some short-lived relief but dealing with the aftermath lasts so much longer. So I'm going to struggle until it gets better and hate every minute of it but at least guilt isn't part of that struggle this morning.
So I'm going to call Derek's office and leave a voicemail. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
