Today Lasted 365 Days

I'm struggling. Today is tommorow and tomorrow is yesterday. I was doing good, maybe even great, and now here I stand battling the thousands of hours that seem to stand in the way of moving on to a different day. 

I posted a poem I wrote earlier and I feel that's the closest yet I've been able to describe the madness I call my life. I love to say I'm ok because maybe if I say it enough I will be. I'm 43 and I still play the game after all these years but what choice do I have? Succumb to the negative? Believe the feelings I have? Buy into what the voices in my head are selling? So all I feel is madness sometimes and that is starting to feel like the norm. 

I have to worry about what's happening in my head at any given time while worrying about what I'm doing at work and how I'm acting at work. Do you know how exhausting that is because I really don't think the average person does. Then add when I'm not at work. Then add the average person doesn't want to hear my problems even if I want to talk about them so it's easier to say everything is just fucking peachy. 

Once again, I try to write positive things about how I'm kicking bipolar in the ass but this round I'm not winning. I'm backed in a corner and want to throw in the towel. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle after work. I want numb. I want escape. I'm tired of pills and I'm tired of being me. I'm tired. Period. 

I'm laying in bed not drinking and that pisses me off. I've every intention of getting drunk but just can't. I'm 43. I'm an adult. What's stopping me? Am I going to get grounded? Put in time-out? It's the voices of encouragement past. The feeling of being proud of myself when I hit these dark spots in life and turn away. I know it'll help me escape today but I can't escape tomorrow. 

I don't want this blog to be positive. I want it to be real and this is my reality. I see Derek on Thursday. I don't know what that session will bring but I know I'm going to pour my reality out and let him sort it out because that's what he's good at. Because today I'm struggling and there's still tomorrow left. 

If you're struggling, reach out for help. Call a number, phone a friend, call your therapist. Talk to someone. The positive in this, see there I go, is you are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

 

There Is No Right

Why do I feel

This way

More often

Than not?

Tear my skin

Off please

So that

I may

Escape

Trapped

As I crawl

Seeking

Relief

I need

To sit

So that

I can

Stand

Scream

For

Silence

Because I

Crave

Some

Sensory

Overload

I can decide

That I'm

Unable to

Make

A decision

Nothing sounds

Good so

Let's try

All of

The

Levels

Of

Frustration

Sit still

While I

Crawl

Inside

Reaching

Infected

Brain

Determined

To misfire

Sending

Me

Chasing 

Peace

Peace

Just a

Word

Something

To look

For

But never

Find

Running

Wild

Matching

My 

Mood

Jokes

On me

I'm the

One running

Knowing

There's no

Relief

Where I

End up

Yet

Here

I

Run

Run it's

Course

Be patient

Fuck you

Easy words

For those

Not suffering

It shall

Pass

Let me

Rip my

Skin

You wear it

So I 

Continue

Searching

For remedies

That may

Or

May not

Exist

That don't

Involve

Poison

Swallowed

Intoxication

Stare

At the

Wall

Pace

The floor

Here we

Go

Mind racing

Weather

The storm

Ride

The wave

Crazy

I know

It'll end

Experience

Sadly

Multiple

Times

Doesn't make

It any

Easier

Maybe

Worse

Knowing with

No doing

So I walk

While running

On the

Inside

Deciding

Not to

Decide

So that

I can

Stand while

Sitting

And 

Wait