I've Lost Me: Please Leave A Message

What a year it's been. A lot of good and some bad and when it's good, it's really good. The downside to that is when it's been bad, it's been really bad. I've lost myself somewhere along the way, or I should say, I've lost my edge, my solid ground, my stability mentally. I've shut down and I'm on cruise control. It's still moving so good enough, right?

Start with the good or do I get the bad off my chest? I always try to stay positive on here but sometimes that's easier said than done. Let's start with the bad. What's the worst that could happen? Let's find out...

I quit taking my meds. Like a while ago. Ok like a long time ago. I was cured so what do you want from me?! Then I needed to be able to go without sleep and to have bipolar brain so I could multitask and it just kept snowballing until it was moving too fast to stop and the inevitable happened and I crashed and burned. And I did it at work. That's always fun and neat and super comfortable for everyone involved. I had a panic attack. All the noises became magnified and the sweat started along with the tight chest. My vision tunneled and then the anger started because dealing with the true emotion is stupid so getting angry helps everything always. I ended up in the bathroom on the phone with my wife (yes I got married and yes we'll get to that later) telling her I was going to quit because all I cared about was escaping. I needed to run and I wasn't sure where I just knew it would get me away from there. She told me to go talk to my Supervisor who is like a sister to me and that she would understand. I don't have her permission to use her name so I won't but she is an amazing person and a great friend. Speaking of amazing, Tabbee got me calmed down and off I went. I walked in the door to let S know I was leaving and next thing I know I was crying. Yay. Loved that in so many ways said me never.

The problem I have is I listen to peoples worst day ever every time I work. Death hangs out and monitors the phones ready to interject at a moments notice. Even as a trainee, he whispers in my ear that I can make this a relatable moment and if I would only put myself in the caller's shoes then surely I'll hear my mom's voice if I concentrate hard enough or I'll hear the click of the gun that took my buddy way too soon or the tears of the mom, sister, brother, son, parent, child will wash away the guilt I feel for being glad I'm alive when someone else is not. I am seeing the deceased when I'm not at work and I can hear their voices and all I can do is answer not caring what strangers think but hoping they can hear me and that's a comfort for them. I've lost me. Please leave a message and I'm hoping to get back with you shortly.

So I got married and I love being a husband. She helps me more than anyone could. She has helped me get back on my meds and been supportive with all of this. I can be honest with her about everything and that's refreshing. She didn't look at me crazy when I told her I've been hearing and seeing Justin. She's never made me feel stupid for who or what I am. That's huge. That's love. That's til death do us part.

I'm not sure I'm the super low % of people that can do this job. I do know that I respect and love my coworkers. I can say they never get the recognition they deserve or have earned. I can say that not everyone can do what they do-being a superhero isn't for everyone. I think I'm proof of that. And that's ok.

I'm going to be ok. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow but I will be. I've made it 47 years and I plan on sticking around for more so here's to round whatever the hell it is of starting meds again and finding myself. Thanks for letting me vent and I'll try to write more often. I appreciate each and every one of you...don't forget 988 if you're needing help and 911 is always there for you as well. Either way, there's a superhero on the other end waiting to help.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It's Been Awhile But Life Is Good

 I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd last written but I'm thinking maybe that's a good thing. I've really been in a good place mentally and life has been good so I've been enjoying it. Let me go ahead and fill you in.

First and foremost, I have an amazing woman in my life that has done nothing but prove on a daily basis that someone can genuinely love me for me. No strings attached. No drama attached. No other motive than to be happy, be a strong couple and to face every day together as a team. When she says she loves me, it's more than just words. It's in her every action, her every look she gives me, her every laugh. She loves my family like they're her own, she loves my friends like they were her's first and she loves me like I'm the only man she's ever wanted Her kiddos make me feel wanted and part of the family every day.  Never once in our entire relationship have I ever had to question how she feels about me, never been filled with doubt, never had to wonder if she's being honest or just keeping me around because I'm convenient until someone else comes along. I'm a lucky man and I can only hope that I make her feel the same way she makes me feel every single day. She's my partner, my friend and my forever person. 

I've been battling being sick and was dealing with some long term effects that was beginning to become more than depressing but a vitamin regimen of all things has been a game changer and I'm feeling better than i had in quite awhile. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to the gym and starting keto again and start making life a little healthier.

My oldest, Ashlyn, has made me a Papa again and she is such a wonderful mother to my two grandbabies and hard working mom. Braden passed the Bar and is now an attorney and engaged to his partner in crime. Corynne has been dealing with major health issues but is one of the toughest and driven people I know and amazes me every day with how she can life can deal her a hit and she just keeps on truckin'. I couldn't be more proud of them.

I have started a job that is fulfilling in every way. I get to help people and am part of an environment that doesn't just say we're a family but actually proves we are a family every day thru actions, words and environment. I have the best coworker's a person could ever hope for that genuinely care about me as a person, cheer me on for success and celebrate right along with me when I'm able to accomplish something. I can be there for 12 hours a shift and can honestly say I am excited to get there on my way to work, excited to see them and learn from them while I'm there and miss them when I'm on my way home. If that doesn't explain how wonderful my job is then I don't know what to tell you.

I still see Katie who is not only the best therapist but a great friend. She's been a huge part of helping me be the person I want to be and need to be. She's my pick me up when I am at my lowest, my voice of reason and has always been there for me whether it's to be proud of me or to listen to the rantings of my sometimes irrational thoughts on life. I will forever be indebted to her.

It goes without saying that I have the best mom in the world that I still have to have my coffee sessions with because I will always have that momma's boy in me and I'm proud of that fact. My big brother  and sis continually cheer me on and always have my best interest at the forefront. I'm a lucky guy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is good. I've had a few bumps along the way but that just keeps life interesting. I've learned to let life happen. Well let's not get carried away- I'm learning to let life happen. To not analyze ever little thing. That Tabbee saying I love you is nothing more than her genuinely loving me. My coworkers accepting me and liking me is nothing more than they actually like Ryan for who Ryan is. I'm learning that if I start trying to find a hidden meaning in things, I'll miss out on the actual meaning and it is so much more fulfilling.

I'm excited for the things happening in my life. The chance to put my mental health advocacy to work while at work, to feel blessed with the new friends and family in my life, Tabbee, the kiddos. Life is good and I'm going to enjoy it for exactly what it is.

Thank you for reading,

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan