The Darkness In the Light

Sometimes on the brightest days all I can see is the dark. I open the fridge and nothing looks good. I turn on the TV and can't decide on what to watch. I get to the front door just to put my keys back down. Turn on one of my gaming systems just to shut it off before the game even loads. Four walls are the only decision I can make. 

Have you ever laughed and wondered if that's actually your real laugh or if you've faked it so long that you don't think you even have a real laugh anymore? Maybe conversations are just something that you're suppose to have so you've learned over time the right social cues to react to to say the right thing? More like you're an actor than a real person in life. Maybe. Not even sure about that most times it seems. Not sure about most things anymore. 

I spend more and more time with myself than anyone else. I think I've become antisocial for self-preservation. I can't handle things anymore like I use to like ignorance and the mundane. The senseless conversations along with the complaining without conscious effort to make change. So in comes the self-preservation part. I have a notorious problem with keeping my thoughts to myself. With evaluating everything said, seperating the legit from the bullshit and then speaking my mind. I've learned a lot of people don't dig that. The thing is, I do that to myself constantly and treat myself worse than anyone else ever could so I guess I don't take feelings into account. Just the grating fingernails on the chalkboard feeling I get listening to it. 

I know I sound like an ass and hell I probably am. I just don't know how to function in day to day situations anymore I guess. If there's a problem, fix it. Pretty simple in my world. Maybe I'm losing my empathy but to empathize with someone you have to be able to relate in some way and I guess I just don't anymore. 

So these are just a small glimpse of things that trouble me. A lot. I feel like I can't be myself around people because I have nothing in common with most people anymore. I try to self-reflect constantly. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I try not to be cynical but as you can see that's still a work in progress. Perfection is unattainable sadly but sitting around in your own crap complaining that it smells like crap hasn't solved any problems that I'm aware of either. If you've made it this far into the blog just know that this is my opinion on everything. Despite the world around me, I will always hold onto my right to have one. Good thing is, you have the right not to agree with it. 

With this all being said or vomitted or rambled or however you want to label it, I do battle myself with the problem of wanting to become a complete recluse every single day. There's comfort in silence. In enjoying your own company. But at what cost? Regrets that hit later in life? Not being able to choose to be alone because that's the only choice I have? Where I work, I have the entire plant to myself all night long for 12 hours and it's absolutely amazing. I'm going to have to train the new guys the routines for night shift and you know what troubles me the most? It's not that I don't know what I'm doing or how to train... it's the anxiety of being stuck with someone for 12 hours that's going to want to have conversations and be social. Changing my routine to fit theirs. Dammit. 

I know I'm tired so my rose colored glasses have become clear but I find life exhausting and there's something therapeutic about closing the door to the outside world. My goal is to make sure there's still a door there instead of only four walls. To make sure that door still opens to those I love because one day I may open it only to find four more walls. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan

Imprisoned

I was taking pictures earlier around the plant I work at and the barbed wire security fence comes into the plant instead of out and to me it feels like they're trying to keep us in instead of keeping people out but what do I know? It did make a relatable moment so good enough. 

I feel like my whole life I've been building this plant, a compound, of safety. I've slowly insulated myself from allowing things to get to me. To allow people to get really close to me. To hurt me. So I've built this elaborate place of peace only I installed the security fence wrong so people can still get in but I haven't allowed myself to leave. 

People still come into my life. People try to get close. The thing about this plant is there's many buildings that I can hide in. I can close the door and if you come in there's so much machinery and electronics and things happening that it appears to be too complicated to figure out what's going on so they'll gladly walk back outside. Mission accomplished. 

Now maybe the sensible thing to do would be to give those that want to love you a guided tour so they can make sense of the madness but there is the exact problem. If I let you in, if I give you the passwords to my machinery then I can now be compromised. I have just given you the very control you need to hurt me, to use it against me. To leave me. Because you see there's always a gate on a fence. All you have to know is how to work it. I've never taken the time because I'm comfortable in my plant of protection. Others have definitely figured it out though. 

When I'm feeling out of control I immediately seek out anything that I can control. The absolute #1 thing is my meds. I start playing games with myself of if I feel out of control then why am I even taking them in the first place? I write so much better when I'm not being controlled by my meds. I'm more fun when I'm not being subdued by my meds. I'm more powerful than my diagnosis so I don't need my meds. The jacked up thing is if I'm feeling great then I try to convince myself I don't need them anymore. I'm not going to take Tylenol if I don't have a headache so why would I take my lithium if I'm not suffering from the effects of bipolar? Isn't mental health just a ball of fun?

So yes you know where this is leading. I had stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was doing great. Great until the voices got a little more prominent. Great until the hallucinations started again. Great until the madness started taking control. Well how dare they take control so now I'm more determined to be in control and not take my meds. Makes perfect sense, right? You don't have to answer that. 

So this weekend I started to go back to the ol faithful and I'll have some drinks to deaden what's going on inside. Sunday I was starting to do it all over again and I finally started battling myself. I finally started asking myself if that's the person I want to be. You see it has to be me. I'm 44 years old so it's not like my mom is going to ground me and take away my gaming systems until I start taking my meds and stop drinking. Anyone can recommend what I should do but until I decide to do it that's all it is. A recommendation. I'm not trying to act like I'll do what I want but essentially I'll do what I want. I'm responsible for my own mental health. No one is going to shove my meds down my throat for me. 

So I say all this not for a pat on the back for making the right decision. Quite the opposite. I'm giving you another glimpse of the madness I live with called bipolar. It's not all good days and it's not all bad days but at the end of the day I'm still trapped within the confines of this safe haven and bipolar and everything that comes with it. I'm not my bipolar as a person but I also can't deny the fact to myself that I have bipolar. Always will. That will never change. I struggle with that lack of control. Always will. That will never change. 

I know this blog is all over the place but I'm all over the place. Even medicated I can be all over the place. That's who I am dealing with what I have. I realize that's not everyone's cup of tea and I accept that as well. So to make this rambling peace of writing come to an end because I'm not a big fan of rambling, this is day one of being back on my meds. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. Am I saying this isn't going to happen again? Nope. I try to be an honest person and that includes with myself. It is immensely harder being truthful to myself. I can argue with myself better than anyone. Today I chose the truth. I feel I owe myself that. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It Was Just Advice But So Much More

My dad owned his own business for a long time doing boiler work and plumbing. I had the pleasure of working with my dad for a number of years and I will cherish that time until the day I die. My dad gave me numerous pieces of advice growing up and while working with him but one stuck like glue and I've never forgotten it and I still try to live by this one piece of advice today. So here we go...

Never expect someone to do something that you aren't willing to do yourself. 

In my opinion that deserved an area all it's own. At the time I understood it in the context of work. That I'd better be willing to do whatever I told someone else to do. That it wasn't my job to get out of the crappy parts but to lead by example and do the crappy parts with them. Huge piece of advice I can too pass on to you that have a "boss" position because your employees respect you for it and do work harder for you. It's simply a fact from my experience. My dad never used the excuse that I'm the boss I don't have to or I've earned my right not to either and he was the owner. Could work circles around anyone on the job site. Probably because he lived by that piece of advice he gave me himself. 

As I've grown older I realize that it's so much more than work related. I think dad wanted me to realize that all those years ago but hey I was young and dumb what can I say? It is amazing how you can put that saying to action against a lot of decisions you make in life. And if you do, the outcome is so much better. 

For one, relationships. Imagine if every time you wanted to pick apart your better half for something if you asked yourself if you're willing to do the same thing for them in return. You never rub my feet but are you willing to do the same for them? You never text enough but have you text them or just fuming because they haven't text you? What I'm trying to say is as soon as you tell yourself they never...just stop. Now ask yourself have you been willing to do for them what you are about to say they never do for you? You are expecting them to be understanding of your needs but are you willing to be the same for them? How about patient? How about realizing their needs may not be the same as yours and being willing to adjust accordingly?

The same can go for mental illness. Now I'm probably going to get some flak for this and I don't care because contrary to popular belief I still feel entitled to my opinion even if it doesn't reflect yours. Those of us with mental illness can be selfish. I'll say it again. Those of us with mental illness can be selfish. Are you fuming yet? It's ok you'll be fine. I know when I am in crisis mode or the crappy parts of my bipolar, the ol dreaded depression, I've had to lean on my loved ones. They've built me up. Helped me feel better. Was there when I was acting psychotic all the way to I'm the king of the world Leonardo Dicaprio I can do anything in the world because I'm Ryan Sullivan and in my head at that time that means I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Whether I want to admit it or not, I have come to expect some form of 'being there' for me from them. Am I willing to do the same for them? I should because I expect it, right? Here's where I struggle because my problems are real and magnified and I have a diagnosis damn it so how bad can their problem really be? Ever thought that? Are you willing to admit you have? 

We expect people to be there for us but are we willing to do that exact same thing for them? I ask that for the simple fact we all fight to get rid of this stigma related to mental health and that's one of the stereotypes. We're needy but not always there for those that were expect to be there for us. I have to admit I agree. Because I can relate. Because I have a mental illness. I'm guilty of that. Sometimes walking out that door feels like I'm dragging a semi behind me but I ask myself would John or April mom or Bobby or Maria or Sarah or...you get the point...do it for me? Absolutely. Beyond a shadow of a doubt absolutely. So I've started telling myself that I will no longer expect them to do for me what I'm not willing to do myself. 

If I've pissed you off with what I've said I don't apologize. I understand no one mental illness is the same. I've understood that for many many years now but my goal is to keep pushing myself to be better, to make awareness for mental health to be better and to get rid of the stigma and sometimes you have to talk about the bad with the good. And sometimes that bad hits a nerve signaling maybe it's time to self-reflect and make a few changes. 

I spend a lot of time alone both in my personal life and my job so I have a lot of time to build myself up as well as tear myself down. And sometimes that ends up being as simple as don't expect others to do the job of providing me happiness if I'm not willing to do the job of providing it myself. Or respect. Or worth. It's your 'blank' to fill in but it's also a job you must be willing to do yourself. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

A Tribute To My Brother

So this thing happened today. I get a text from my big brother and it says he needs a favor from me so if I ignore the text for awhile that's ok. How can you not laugh and be intrigued with a text that gets right to the point like that? I text him back right away and told him to call me whenever he wants to. He did and my mind was blown right out of the gate with this favor he's wanting done. Little did he know it ended up being the other way around. 

He asked if I would be willing to be the featured writer for his newsletter in May for mental health awareness month. Now I've never asked his permission to use his name or where he works in my blog so I'm not going to but my big brother has a very important job and has used his talents and position to become one of the biggest mental health advocates you'll ever meet. I guess what I'm trying to say is he has met and works with some of the top professionals in this field and I was the one he wanted to write. See what I mean by him doing me the favor?

I have always said and will keep saying that my family has always been my biggest support system. I haven't always been a good little brother but that's never phased him. He's always been ready with a hug and forgiveness when I snap out of it. He's dealt with me as a nasty drunk, manic with impossible ideas pouring out of my brain, depressed to the point that living seemed harder than dying. Being on meds and off and on and off and on and off and...sorry bipolar joke. Had to be there I guess. My point is I've always idolized my brother but I haven't always shown it. 

So I want to kick ass on this article. I want to show my brother that it was worth all of his energy to not give up on me. I want to make him proud. I want him to feel pride when people read it and say that was my little brother. I want to let him know that I don't take this privilege lightly. I want to thank him for loving me to the point that he makes sure mental health gets its due. 

So this is a long overdue tribute to my big brother. He reminds me so much of our dad and I can't think of a better compliment than that. So big brother I love you, I look up to you, some of which because you're taller than me, and I will forever be in awe of you. Thank you for this opportunity. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It Will Never Make Sense. Never.

I was talking to a friend the other day and they were upset about how they felt they had been there for someone and had tried their best to help a person out and basically got the ol f you in return. Their dilemma was they just couldn't understand how someone would do that to them, that they've been struggling trying to make sense of it. I feel bad for them and gave them the only reply that has made sense to me from being in similar situations. 

It will never make sense. Never. I'm sorry for the bad news but here's why. You aren't that type of person. You would never do that to someone else and because of that you can't relate therefore you will never have a good enough answer to make things better in your mind. It's like looking at a calculus book and trying to figure out why you can't solve the problems when you know nothing about calculus.

 If you value friendships, relationships, whatever label you attatch, then you expect those with those labels to have the same love and loyalty that you do. It hurts when you find out otherwise. You'll try to figure out the whys and hows until you're angry, sad, defeated. Then you'll learn to let go. To let them go. That their actions are no reflection upon who you are as a person but of themselves. 

I keep an extremely small circle and I'm fine with that. Does it mean I spend a lot of time by myself? Absolutely but I am fine with that as well. John and Ape are hands down two of the dearest friends I've ever had the priviledge of calling friends. Amazing, amazing, amazing people. I'd rather have two friends like them forever than a ton of people i may or may not be able to count on. I'm a quality over quantity kind of guy i reckon. 

So you're going to run into people like my friend and it's going to hurt but just remember that just because you are a good and loyal person doesn't mean everyone else has those same values and morals. And please remind yourself that it's not a reflection of who you are as a person...some people just suck. 

So treasure those ones that have your back and you have theirs. They seem to be few and far between anymore. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Let Me Critique You and Don't Forget To Say I'm Sorry

So I haven't written in awhile and honestly I had a blog typed up saying I was done, it's been real and I'll see y'all later. It had lost its joy for me. I felt that I wrote things I needed to say to keep myself in check but it was being used against me. Every blog is me allowing you into my world. My private space. That's not a brag like I'm something special and have earth-shattering, groundbreaking things to say that people will read while dumbfounded in awe unable to process the amount of knowledge I vomit into my blog. No. It's my truth. It's as simple as that. What I'm about to write for a blog will let you know why I changed my mind. 

I had coffee with my mom this morning and I love our time together. We talk about everything. We talked about gaming I bet for at least 30 minutes this morning because that's one of my passions and she was involved in the conversation first to the end. I love that about her. We talked about my kiddos, my grandson. We talked about my brother and sis and nieces. We talked about her dad and mom. My dad. My girlfriend Stacy and her kiddos. Great conversation. 

It was while talking about Stacy that I said something that has stuck with me all day and now I write this blog. This is where she's going 'oh shit' if she's reading this but bear with me honey you won't be saying that. I told mom that I've learned if something makes me uncomfortable then I tend to label it wrong when that couldn't be farthest from the truth. Here's what I said that I can't get out of my head..."So now that you've sat there while I've critiqued you I'm sure you look at me like I'm the strange one." Doesn't sound profound. The earth didn't move when you read it but it did for me when I said it.

I was telling mom everyone has there own way of doing something. Of handling things. This includes Stacy and that's where that quote comes in. I told mom everyone's entitled to their own opinion and ways of handling this and Stacy probably feels like "So now that you've sat there while I critiqued you....." and boom that's all that keeps running thru my head. 

The very thing I was pissed about and was going to shut my blog down over is the very thing I do to other people. I critique. I knit pick. I question. And I feel more than justified to do all of those but I'm going to get butthurt when those very things are done to me? The questions that were asked over one of my blogs were justified. They needed to be asked if for nothing else than peace of mind for those that asked them. And I applaud you for asking them. I would've wanted those questions asked if it involved my loved one. And I would've wanted answers. Period. 

So after thinking on this most of the day I knew it was time to write again. Remember when I said I write about things to keep myself in check? Well this is a perfect example of exactly that. I've found that things that make me angry when I'm called on them is because there's usually a spark of truth behind them. I was angry because the questions asked needed to be asked. I was angry because there's a reason they needed to be asked. I was angry at myself. 

Stacy is an amazing person. She truly is and I'm grateful to have her in my life. She cheers for the man in me I can't see. She becomes my legs when I say I can't do this walk called life anymore. When I feel alone all I have to do is turn my head because she is always by my side. So maybe I need to say I love you instead of pointing out what I think is wrong. Say thank you instead of finding fault. Listen instead of critiquing. In short, shut the hell up every now and then. 

Meds are going great ( pill box Stacy lol ). Derek is still one of the most amazing men I've ever had the privilege of knowing and life is good in general. God knows this guy is still a work in progress I'm just fortunate for the people that haven't lost interest in this marathon we call bipolar that I've been blessed with. Yes that is totally sarcasm and I'm not sorry:)

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Maybe It's Time To Flip the Switch

I haven't written in awhile and maybe I shouldn't be now but I claim to only write when I have something to say and I'm sitting in an empty house right now and I'm tired of talking to myself. 

I quit my job. I couldn't handle the traveling anymore and being away from home. I felt like I was suppose to be here for everyone around me and if I knew what I know know I'd never have left. I think I've done more harm than good. Former co-workers might be reading this right now and what can I say, you were right. I thought having a substantial amount of money in the bank meant security and everything would fall into place. Nope. I've failed. 

I went on a four or five day bender, it's kinda foggy, and have done everything in my power to hurt everyone around me. I've been a verbally abusive, mean, angry piece of shit. I've been sporadic with my medication. I haven't given one fuck. And I'm not going to apologize for my language because frankly I'm tired of apologizing at this point. 

I have hurt someone I claimed I love to the moon and back forever and a day. I can't take that back. I can't. I can't take back how I feel sitting in this empty house either. I can't take back how I feel abandoned. I'm sitting here alone. It is what it is, right? That is exactly right. I'm sitting here alone. So alone I will be. 

I've learned I am who I am and it's not good most of the time. I think I convinced myself this time is different but I am classic at burning everything around me to the ground and sometimes you just have to let it burn itself out and realize there's nothing you can do about it. 

So I think for the best of everyone involved it's time to flip that switch and move on with life. Sometimes someone is too good of a person to make that move so I'll do it for them. 

I have no uplifting ending to this blog, just honesty and real life. Sometimes that's the best medicine.