Gotta Keep Those Running Shoes On

So i don't listen to country and I'm sure that's a big shocker to those that know me. Not really. I'm a crank the volume and bang your head kind of guy. I want my neighbors to know that Godsmack is in the house and they will learn to appreciate them too and that Slipknot will be visiting asking with all their friends. You get my point.

So i happened to hear this song "We Break Up In the End" and for some reason i didn't tune out the twangy irritation i usually get in my earlobes and actually listened to the words and was amazed. Someone actually wrote a real song about how relationships go. You date, you let your gaurd down eventually and then realize you just break up in the end.

I have a hard time getting out of that mindset. I'm a cup is half full kind of guy until someone wants something emotional from me then i shut down and the glass becomes half empty. It's going to end anyway so why pot in the effort? I battle with myself and this logic but it has always ended and mostly by me because, well, it was going to end anyways, right?

So i keep those running shoes laced up so i can bolt at a moment's notice but i need to stop. I've trained myself for so long in that sprint that it seems natural now. I'm a constant work in progress but this one is tough. Really tough.

So I'm working on this so i don't miss out on a good thing. So i don't project my past on the future. On the flip side I'm not trying to be a fortune teller and deciding how the future is going to go and shutting people out because i just know it's going to come to an end. Maybe I'll put flip flops on today because nobody can sprint in flip flops.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions Anonymous Style

I have a friend that is a talented poet and gave me permission to post this as long they remain anonymous so please enjoy

Blue and Yellow

To follow that rainbow
Means to give up your own colors
But then somehow, those colors
becomes yours again.

Yours but not really yours
Yours that you have to share
And sharing doesn’t come easily.

Sharing is something that you don’t really know

Like, you don’t know if you are going to like it or not.

Like, you want to like Macaroni and cheese, but you know some how, they’ve slipped broccoli in it.

But you love broccoli.
You love broccoli so much you add cheese to it.
So much cheese it begins to not be green anymore.

But green was your favorite color.
So much green that you forgot that it was once yellow and blue.

Blue was the name of your first dog.
That dog was a rabid animal.

I'm Obsessed With Obsessing About Obsessing

I went mushroom hunting yesterday and being out in the country gave me that feeling of wanting to disappear. To drive with the sun on my face and never come back. I get that feeling a lot.

I get overwhelmed and the thought of taking off sounds great to the point i actually contemplate it and work out all of the pros and cons in my head. To bolt where nobody knows where i am and nobody knows who i am. It gives me the feeling right or wrong that i can have a clean slate and start over. I can be a new person. Someone that nobody knows the wrongs I've done, the life I've lived-my past.

Reality always sets in though that i can't run away from myself. I think that's what I'm trying to do above anything else and that's when it all comes crashing down that disappearing still won't work. All that baggage will still follow me because i know about it. I remember the past, i remember the wrongs, i remember the failures. Just can't seem to get away from that no matter how hard i try.

I need to let go of all of that and man have i tried. I punish myself over things that happened years ago. I fault myself for entire situations and get stuck hashing out if I'd done this or if I'd done that then this would've happened and boy look at where I'd be now. But i have no way of knowing that. I have no way of changing the past. I'm frustrated.

I want to control so badly that things get out of control yet i keep on trying. I refuse to give up that i can do everything and that i will make things go the way i want. The problem with that is there's too many variables to the equation called life. It's an unsolveable problem and my brain can't handle that.

So the struggle continues on being able to take life as it comes. To quit obsessing. To quit over thinking every little detail. I'm not sure if I'll ever win this battle but I'd settle for a tie at this point.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I felt your presence
But i couldn't say hi
Too soon
Too new
Too raw
Too many things
But ready isn't one
Of them
I feel weak
But strong
An oxymoron
Why do i care?
I pride myself
In not feeling
Yet here i am
I feel like
I can't
But i know i can.
Right?
Wrong
I have to stop
But that means
I'm done
And i am
Until I'm not
Stop
Goodbye
Hello
Walk away
I can't turn back
So i walk
And i walk
Goodbye

Please Keep My Tab Open, I'm Going To Be Here Awhile

If you've ever been one to go to the bar and you pay with a card, they'll ask if you want to close it or keep it open. Of course the logical answer is to keep it open unless you're a one and done kind of person. Or i just had a huge problem with alcohol but we'll discuss that at another time.

I feel like my life has been like this. It's a double-edged sword at times but that's, well, life. The negative of that is when people can't or won't forgive things I've done. I'm not saying i blame them or fault them for it because i have done some terrible things in my life and maybe i don't deserve forgiveness but i don't like that feeling of the tab being left open. I don't like it being able to be added to. My nature wants it to be resolved and fixed but that's not fair to the person that hasn't been able to let go of it. There inlies the struggle.

The flip side is it still leaves room for healing and forgiveness. It leaves the tab open for my friends and family that make me feel like a person to keep helping me feel that way. It helps expand upon good things. Now that's an awesome open tab.

I think i need to learn to go ahead and close some of those tabs out. To just let go and focus on the ones that should remain open. The healthy and fulfilling one's. The productive ones. Easier said than done but it's a work in progress. So next time life asks if I'd like to keep this one open, i hope i have the courage and the knowledge to give the right answer.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

Awake
Dreams linger
Even with eyes open
Thoughts racing
Don't want to think
Need sleep
But afraid to close my eyes
Because the movie begins again
Forced to push play
Even though i want
I need
It to stop
Reckless thoughts
Dangerous emotions
Confidence shattered
In the dark
Of night
Knowing the brightness
Of confidence
Is hours away
So I'll sleep
The restless
Anxieties
Of life
With hopes
The sun
Will bring
Calm

I Don't Deserve It But I'll Take It

I have so many memories climbing those stairs to my apartment while i work on my house. A lot bad but some good.

I remember getting this apartment for bad reasons. Reason. Plain and simple. I screwed up yet another relationship and now i was on my own. Didn't like it. That lead me to think of other things i didn't like about myself. Other relationships. 

Remember my best friend Elvis? Remember his wife Jill? Remember i was the best man at their wedding? Remeber i burned that bridge and friendship to the ground?

Guess who called me on Friday. Go ahead and guess. I heard Elvis on my phone for the first time in years call me brother. It shook me to my core. I couldn't talk. I wept. I seriously cried in front of people and didn't give a shit. Everything disappeared except for our conversation. I couldn't believe it.

I have ruined so many things in my life and some i care about and others i don't give a second thought but this is huge. This is something that got ruined and i legitimately knew i didn't like the outcome. I knew it was wrong when i was saying what i was saying but still said it. I knew it was beyond reconciling. Guess i don't know as much as i thought i did.

Once again I've been shown that the past is the past and i can't live there. I've been shown that everyone doesn't hold the past against me. Such a good feeling. Once again i don't deserve but I'll take it.

I constantly obsess over things and most, hell, 99% of them i can't change but that 1% makes it worth it. I use to think i knew what i wanted in life. I thought it was all planned out not too long ago. I've now learned, once again, that when i let go and let things happen the way they were suppose to instead of trying to control the outcome that amazing things happen. You know why? Because they were beyond my control. So i don't deserve this but I'll take it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully