Patience Is Not My Virtue

So I started my meds again as i said before and now it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake. I forgot how this happens. Slept for a couple of hours and then my brain decided that was enough so let's get going at 11 at night. Because that's a perfect time to be awake i suppose.

Don't get me wrong, insomnia and i are dear friends. I don't mind it at all when I'm manic because I'm able to function on next to no sleep. I almost thrive on it but I don't feel manic right now i just feel exhausted. I tried all the tricks everyone had told me about to relax and fall asleep...not happening.

I have no-one to blame but myself. I know this happens when i decide to get off of my meds for awhile and then start back up. Still doesn't stop me from doing it. Because I'll do what i want. Pretty sound logic, right?

So now i have to be patient all over again waiting for everything to level out and i am not a patient person. I want to take them the first day and i miraculously feel better. Instant gratification is what I'm after and let me tell you that is the farthest from the truth with my medication. So I'm going thru the process for what seems the millionth time of levelling myself out and getting back on track. I would like to say for the last time but hey I'm notorious for doing this the hard way.

So I'm writing this blog for myself so that next time i decide that I'm cured and don't need my meds anymore maybe I'll read this and give it one more day. One more day may be all it takes to realize I'm not cured and maybe it's a good idea to stay on them. One can hope anyway.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Positive Positive Positive

A day of sobriety in the books, a belly full of food and a roof over my head. It's as simple as that to think positive.

Life doesn't always go the way I think it should. Hell most of the time it doesn't go the way i have it worked out in my head. I let that frustrate me. I plan days out in advance and all that does is set myself up for failure. So basically I'm frustrating myself with unrealistic expectations. I know this and I'm working on it.

I started my medications again this morning. Thought of a million reasons why i shouldn't but all that matters is i popped the tops of my med bottles instead of beer cans and down the hatch they went. I felt out of it all day. Felt tired. But I'll do it again tomorrow because eventually that will wear off and I'll maybe act like an ass a little less while controlling myself a little more. One can hope anyway.

Being bipolar isn't easy. Its a full time job that you get to take home with you 24/7/365. It's exhausting, exhilarating, consuming, depressing, torturous excitement that never stops it's just a matter of which 'me' is showing up today. It's not easy on those around me for those very same reasons. There's a reason i have a small group of friends i hang out with. There's a reason I'm not dating anyone. Not many people can handle my fun little bundle of crazy and I'm fine with that because my small group of amazing friends i have, i wouldn't trade for the world.

I'll eventually get control of myself again and I'm on the right track. Sometimes i forget that the track is oval and i start running through the football field yelling we're streaking but i seem to be the only one naked. You get my point. I get off track sometimes. I start convincing myself I'm the first cured bipolar person in the history of bipolar that can quit his meds and everything else and everything is going to be just fine. And it is. For awhile. Then holy Hell there goes Ryan look at him go running through the football field again. I need to stay positive. Focus on the positive. Live positive. Positive Positive Positive. It's honestly as simple as that. Why do i insist on making it so difficult? Oh yeah, i forgot, i have bipolar. Stay positive everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

The Wagon

So i have had a constant struggle with alcohol. I get on the wagon, convince myself after a period of time that i can be a social drinker and then the slow spiral into full blown drinking begins. This time i convinced myself if i don't drink liquor then I'll be ok. And i was. For awhile.

I don't like my meds so i self-medicate with alcohol. It slows my mind down and i feel relaxed. Until i cross that line in the sand. Then it turns into Ricky time. Ricky is what my friends call me when i go from easy going Ryan into full-blown douche mode. I obsess on things and when something that irritates happens and i add alcohol to the mix, it magnifies it by about a million. Not good

I'm not sure why i convince myself time and again that i can handle alcohol because i prove time and again that i cannot. I think it irritates me that i can't so I'm bound and determined to prove that i can. The ol definition of insanity ring a bell? So I'm getting on the wagon again. The key is not falling off and i just haven't quite mastered that part yet.

I've proven time and time again that i can have fun without it. I honestly have a better time. I don't like feeling odd man out i guess. I have plenty of friends that can handle it 100% of the time. I am not one of them.

Why So Serious?

I'm back. I was back the other day but my entire story disappeared so i had to let the frustration settle before i wrote it again.

I don't like serious, in-depth conversations that need to get all touchy feely and explain why i act a certain ways towards situations. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way i do. When those conversations start, i clam up and think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

First of all, I'm still trying to get past my thinking that it's a sign of weakness to admit anything to anyone. I've told the town on radio and blog I'm bipolar so i feel like I'm making progress. Huge strides in fact. It's at my pace and this is a marathon so I'm not rushing into everything at once.

Second is i don't like giving people things they can use against me. Today it's understanding, tomorrow it's a gun loaded with your words pointed at your head. Nah...no thank you. No really, i appreciate your concern but i think im going to have to pass.

I struggle with bottling things (obviously) still and blowing up when it's finally full. I still try to think before i speak because i know i can be callous. I can be hurtful. I don't want to be but it's my gut reaction as bad as i hate to admit that. Anger is my gut reaction. I get angry and guess what? You're so pissed at me that suddenly you don't want to discuss things anymore. Mission accomplished and count it as a win.

My advice. I know that's funny but I'm great at giving it just don't expect me to follow it. Seriously, my advice I'd learn to talk. Take each person as an individual instead of lumping them in with all the ghosts of your past. Never put the cap on that internal bottle so that it can't build pressure and can slowly let the crap out as it gets full. It's hard, i know. There's a reason i go to therapy on Fridays. There's a reason I talk about my bipolar.

I'm still a work in progress and as long as i know that then I'll never stop moving forward and I'll never quit trying to make myself a better person. Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Gotta Keep Those Running Shoes On

So i don't listen to country and I'm sure that's a big shocker to those that know me. Not really. I'm a crank the volume and bang your head kind of guy. I want my neighbors to know that Godsmack is in the house and they will learn to appreciate them too and that Slipknot will be visiting asking with all their friends. You get my point.

So i happened to hear this song "We Break Up In the End" and for some reason i didn't tune out the twangy irritation i usually get in my earlobes and actually listened to the words and was amazed. Someone actually wrote a real song about how relationships go. You date, you let your gaurd down eventually and then realize you just break up in the end.

I have a hard time getting out of that mindset. I'm a cup is half full kind of guy until someone wants something emotional from me then i shut down and the glass becomes half empty. It's going to end anyway so why pot in the effort? I battle with myself and this logic but it has always ended and mostly by me because, well, it was going to end anyways, right?

So i keep those running shoes laced up so i can bolt at a moment's notice but i need to stop. I've trained myself for so long in that sprint that it seems natural now. I'm a constant work in progress but this one is tough. Really tough.

So I'm working on this so i don't miss out on a good thing. So i don't project my past on the future. On the flip side I'm not trying to be a fortune teller and deciding how the future is going to go and shutting people out because i just know it's going to come to an end. Maybe I'll put flip flops on today because nobody can sprint in flip flops.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions Anonymous Style

I have a friend that is a talented poet and gave me permission to post this as long they remain anonymous so please enjoy

Blue and Yellow

To follow that rainbow
Means to give up your own colors
But then somehow, those colors
becomes yours again.

Yours but not really yours
Yours that you have to share
And sharing doesn’t come easily.

Sharing is something that you don’t really know

Like, you don’t know if you are going to like it or not.

Like, you want to like Macaroni and cheese, but you know some how, they’ve slipped broccoli in it.

But you love broccoli.
You love broccoli so much you add cheese to it.
So much cheese it begins to not be green anymore.

But green was your favorite color.
So much green that you forgot that it was once yellow and blue.

Blue was the name of your first dog.
That dog was a rabid animal.

I'm Obsessed With Obsessing About Obsessing

I went mushroom hunting yesterday and being out in the country gave me that feeling of wanting to disappear. To drive with the sun on my face and never come back. I get that feeling a lot.

I get overwhelmed and the thought of taking off sounds great to the point i actually contemplate it and work out all of the pros and cons in my head. To bolt where nobody knows where i am and nobody knows who i am. It gives me the feeling right or wrong that i can have a clean slate and start over. I can be a new person. Someone that nobody knows the wrongs I've done, the life I've lived-my past.

Reality always sets in though that i can't run away from myself. I think that's what I'm trying to do above anything else and that's when it all comes crashing down that disappearing still won't work. All that baggage will still follow me because i know about it. I remember the past, i remember the wrongs, i remember the failures. Just can't seem to get away from that no matter how hard i try.

I need to let go of all of that and man have i tried. I punish myself over things that happened years ago. I fault myself for entire situations and get stuck hashing out if I'd done this or if I'd done that then this would've happened and boy look at where I'd be now. But i have no way of knowing that. I have no way of changing the past. I'm frustrated.

I want to control so badly that things get out of control yet i keep on trying. I refuse to give up that i can do everything and that i will make things go the way i want. The problem with that is there's too many variables to the equation called life. It's an unsolveable problem and my brain can't handle that.

So the struggle continues on being able to take life as it comes. To quit obsessing. To quit over thinking every little detail. I'm not sure if I'll ever win this battle but I'd settle for a tie at this point.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully