It Was Just Advice But So Much More

My dad owned his own business for a long time doing boiler work and plumbing. I had the pleasure of working with my dad for a number of years and I will cherish that time until the day I die. My dad gave me numerous pieces of advice growing up and while working with him but one stuck like glue and I've never forgotten it and I still try to live by this one piece of advice today. So here we go...

Never expect someone to do something that you aren't willing to do yourself. 

In my opinion that deserved an area all it's own. At the time I understood it in the context of work. That I'd better be willing to do whatever I told someone else to do. That it wasn't my job to get out of the crappy parts but to lead by example and do the crappy parts with them. Huge piece of advice I can too pass on to you that have a "boss" position because your employees respect you for it and do work harder for you. It's simply a fact from my experience. My dad never used the excuse that I'm the boss I don't have to or I've earned my right not to either and he was the owner. Could work circles around anyone on the job site. Probably because he lived by that piece of advice he gave me himself. 

As I've grown older I realize that it's so much more than work related. I think dad wanted me to realize that all those years ago but hey I was young and dumb what can I say? It is amazing how you can put that saying to action against a lot of decisions you make in life. And if you do, the outcome is so much better. 

For one, relationships. Imagine if every time you wanted to pick apart your better half for something if you asked yourself if you're willing to do the same thing for them in return. You never rub my feet but are you willing to do the same for them? You never text enough but have you text them or just fuming because they haven't text you? What I'm trying to say is as soon as you tell yourself they never...just stop. Now ask yourself have you been willing to do for them what you are about to say they never do for you? You are expecting them to be understanding of your needs but are you willing to be the same for them? How about patient? How about realizing their needs may not be the same as yours and being willing to adjust accordingly?

The same can go for mental illness. Now I'm probably going to get some flak for this and I don't care because contrary to popular belief I still feel entitled to my opinion even if it doesn't reflect yours. Those of us with mental illness can be selfish. I'll say it again. Those of us with mental illness can be selfish. Are you fuming yet? It's ok you'll be fine. I know when I am in crisis mode or the crappy parts of my bipolar, the ol dreaded depression, I've had to lean on my loved ones. They've built me up. Helped me feel better. Was there when I was acting psychotic all the way to I'm the king of the world Leonardo Dicaprio I can do anything in the world because I'm Ryan Sullivan and in my head at that time that means I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Whether I want to admit it or not, I have come to expect some form of 'being there' for me from them. Am I willing to do the same for them? I should because I expect it, right? Here's where I struggle because my problems are real and magnified and I have a diagnosis damn it so how bad can their problem really be? Ever thought that? Are you willing to admit you have? 

We expect people to be there for us but are we willing to do that exact same thing for them? I ask that for the simple fact we all fight to get rid of this stigma related to mental health and that's one of the stereotypes. We're needy but not always there for those that were expect to be there for us. I have to admit I agree. Because I can relate. Because I have a mental illness. I'm guilty of that. Sometimes walking out that door feels like I'm dragging a semi behind me but I ask myself would John or April mom or Bobby or Maria or Sarah or...you get the point...do it for me? Absolutely. Beyond a shadow of a doubt absolutely. So I've started telling myself that I will no longer expect them to do for me what I'm not willing to do myself. 

If I've pissed you off with what I've said I don't apologize. I understand no one mental illness is the same. I've understood that for many many years now but my goal is to keep pushing myself to be better, to make awareness for mental health to be better and to get rid of the stigma and sometimes you have to talk about the bad with the good. And sometimes that bad hits a nerve signaling maybe it's time to self-reflect and make a few changes. 

I spend a lot of time alone both in my personal life and my job so I have a lot of time to build myself up as well as tear myself down. And sometimes that ends up being as simple as don't expect others to do the job of providing me happiness if I'm not willing to do the job of providing it myself. Or respect. Or worth. It's your 'blank' to fill in but it's also a job you must be willing to do yourself. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

A Tribute To My Brother

So this thing happened today. I get a text from my big brother and it says he needs a favor from me so if I ignore the text for awhile that's ok. How can you not laugh and be intrigued with a text that gets right to the point like that? I text him back right away and told him to call me whenever he wants to. He did and my mind was blown right out of the gate with this favor he's wanting done. Little did he know it ended up being the other way around. 

He asked if I would be willing to be the featured writer for his newsletter in May for mental health awareness month. Now I've never asked his permission to use his name or where he works in my blog so I'm not going to but my big brother has a very important job and has used his talents and position to become one of the biggest mental health advocates you'll ever meet. I guess what I'm trying to say is he has met and works with some of the top professionals in this field and I was the one he wanted to write. See what I mean by him doing me the favor?

I have always said and will keep saying that my family has always been my biggest support system. I haven't always been a good little brother but that's never phased him. He's always been ready with a hug and forgiveness when I snap out of it. He's dealt with me as a nasty drunk, manic with impossible ideas pouring out of my brain, depressed to the point that living seemed harder than dying. Being on meds and off and on and off and on and off and...sorry bipolar joke. Had to be there I guess. My point is I've always idolized my brother but I haven't always shown it. 

So I want to kick ass on this article. I want to show my brother that it was worth all of his energy to not give up on me. I want to make him proud. I want him to feel pride when people read it and say that was my little brother. I want to let him know that I don't take this privilege lightly. I want to thank him for loving me to the point that he makes sure mental health gets its due. 

So this is a long overdue tribute to my big brother. He reminds me so much of our dad and I can't think of a better compliment than that. So big brother I love you, I look up to you, some of which because you're taller than me, and I will forever be in awe of you. Thank you for this opportunity. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It Will Never Make Sense. Never.

I was talking to a friend the other day and they were upset about how they felt they had been there for someone and had tried their best to help a person out and basically got the ol f you in return. Their dilemma was they just couldn't understand how someone would do that to them, that they've been struggling trying to make sense of it. I feel bad for them and gave them the only reply that has made sense to me from being in similar situations. 

It will never make sense. Never. I'm sorry for the bad news but here's why. You aren't that type of person. You would never do that to someone else and because of that you can't relate therefore you will never have a good enough answer to make things better in your mind. It's like looking at a calculus book and trying to figure out why you can't solve the problems when you know nothing about calculus.

 If you value friendships, relationships, whatever label you attatch, then you expect those with those labels to have the same love and loyalty that you do. It hurts when you find out otherwise. You'll try to figure out the whys and hows until you're angry, sad, defeated. Then you'll learn to let go. To let them go. That their actions are no reflection upon who you are as a person but of themselves. 

I keep an extremely small circle and I'm fine with that. Does it mean I spend a lot of time by myself? Absolutely but I am fine with that as well. John and Ape are hands down two of the dearest friends I've ever had the priviledge of calling friends. Amazing, amazing, amazing people. I'd rather have two friends like them forever than a ton of people i may or may not be able to count on. I'm a quality over quantity kind of guy i reckon. 

So you're going to run into people like my friend and it's going to hurt but just remember that just because you are a good and loyal person doesn't mean everyone else has those same values and morals. And please remind yourself that it's not a reflection of who you are as a person...some people just suck. 

So treasure those ones that have your back and you have theirs. They seem to be few and far between anymore. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Let Me Critique You and Don't Forget To Say I'm Sorry

So I haven't written in awhile and honestly I had a blog typed up saying I was done, it's been real and I'll see y'all later. It had lost its joy for me. I felt that I wrote things I needed to say to keep myself in check but it was being used against me. Every blog is me allowing you into my world. My private space. That's not a brag like I'm something special and have earth-shattering, groundbreaking things to say that people will read while dumbfounded in awe unable to process the amount of knowledge I vomit into my blog. No. It's my truth. It's as simple as that. What I'm about to write for a blog will let you know why I changed my mind. 

I had coffee with my mom this morning and I love our time together. We talk about everything. We talked about gaming I bet for at least 30 minutes this morning because that's one of my passions and she was involved in the conversation first to the end. I love that about her. We talked about my kiddos, my grandson. We talked about my brother and sis and nieces. We talked about her dad and mom. My dad. My girlfriend Stacy and her kiddos. Great conversation. 

It was while talking about Stacy that I said something that has stuck with me all day and now I write this blog. This is where she's going 'oh shit' if she's reading this but bear with me honey you won't be saying that. I told mom that I've learned if something makes me uncomfortable then I tend to label it wrong when that couldn't be farthest from the truth. Here's what I said that I can't get out of my head..."So now that you've sat there while I've critiqued you I'm sure you look at me like I'm the strange one." Doesn't sound profound. The earth didn't move when you read it but it did for me when I said it.

I was telling mom everyone has there own way of doing something. Of handling things. This includes Stacy and that's where that quote comes in. I told mom everyone's entitled to their own opinion and ways of handling this and Stacy probably feels like "So now that you've sat there while I critiqued you....." and boom that's all that keeps running thru my head. 

The very thing I was pissed about and was going to shut my blog down over is the very thing I do to other people. I critique. I knit pick. I question. And I feel more than justified to do all of those but I'm going to get butthurt when those very things are done to me? The questions that were asked over one of my blogs were justified. They needed to be asked if for nothing else than peace of mind for those that asked them. And I applaud you for asking them. I would've wanted those questions asked if it involved my loved one. And I would've wanted answers. Period. 

So after thinking on this most of the day I knew it was time to write again. Remember when I said I write about things to keep myself in check? Well this is a perfect example of exactly that. I've found that things that make me angry when I'm called on them is because there's usually a spark of truth behind them. I was angry because the questions asked needed to be asked. I was angry because there's a reason they needed to be asked. I was angry at myself. 

Stacy is an amazing person. She truly is and I'm grateful to have her in my life. She cheers for the man in me I can't see. She becomes my legs when I say I can't do this walk called life anymore. When I feel alone all I have to do is turn my head because she is always by my side. So maybe I need to say I love you instead of pointing out what I think is wrong. Say thank you instead of finding fault. Listen instead of critiquing. In short, shut the hell up every now and then. 

Meds are going great ( pill box Stacy lol ). Derek is still one of the most amazing men I've ever had the privilege of knowing and life is good in general. God knows this guy is still a work in progress I'm just fortunate for the people that haven't lost interest in this marathon we call bipolar that I've been blessed with. Yes that is totally sarcasm and I'm not sorry:)

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Maybe It's Time To Flip the Switch

I haven't written in awhile and maybe I shouldn't be now but I claim to only write when I have something to say and I'm sitting in an empty house right now and I'm tired of talking to myself. 

I quit my job. I couldn't handle the traveling anymore and being away from home. I felt like I was suppose to be here for everyone around me and if I knew what I know know I'd never have left. I think I've done more harm than good. Former co-workers might be reading this right now and what can I say, you were right. I thought having a substantial amount of money in the bank meant security and everything would fall into place. Nope. I've failed. 

I went on a four or five day bender, it's kinda foggy, and have done everything in my power to hurt everyone around me. I've been a verbally abusive, mean, angry piece of shit. I've been sporadic with my medication. I haven't given one fuck. And I'm not going to apologize for my language because frankly I'm tired of apologizing at this point. 

I have hurt someone I claimed I love to the moon and back forever and a day. I can't take that back. I can't. I can't take back how I feel sitting in this empty house either. I can't take back how I feel abandoned. I'm sitting here alone. It is what it is, right? That is exactly right. I'm sitting here alone. So alone I will be. 

I've learned I am who I am and it's not good most of the time. I think I convinced myself this time is different but I am classic at burning everything around me to the ground and sometimes you just have to let it burn itself out and realize there's nothing you can do about it. 

So I think for the best of everyone involved it's time to flip that switch and move on with life. Sometimes someone is too good of a person to make that move so I'll do it for them. 

I have no uplifting ending to this blog, just honesty and real life. Sometimes that's the best medicine. 

Some People Wear Capes

I felt like after my last blog, I'd give everyone an update. As I've said before, I try to stay positive but sadly that isn't the nature of bipolar all the time. Or human nature honestly. We all have our ups and downs and I was struggling with a low I haven't had for awhile. 

With that being said, I finally had my appointment with Derek and he's my version of a superhero cape and all. He immediately recognized that one of the meds I was on was the culprit for how I was feeling and immediately did something about it. He listens and by listening he's able to give me amazing care and treatment. By listening to him, I'm able to give myself amazing care and treatment. 

Right now I'm only on lithium at an elevated dose so I can get to a good therapeutic range and I feel outstanding. I haven't felt this good in a long time and didn't realize how worn down I was until I started feeling good. 

Being bipolar is no picnic but there is zero reason to make it worse than it needs to be. Be vocal with with your doctor. If they don't listen to you then I'm sorry go find someone that will. Only you know you and you're in charge. I think some caregivers forget that. If you're feeling good then don't let them mess it up. If you aren't, then make sure they help you. We aren't textbooks that all read the same so they can't treat everyone the same. If the guy painting your house changed colors on you you'd say something so do the same for your body. 

I'm fortunate to have found Derek. I don't know if he flies to work or just drives but he's my superhero either way. I feel fantastic and I appreciate all the encouragement I received during my darkness. I hope I can be that same encouragement for someone in their time of need. 

Thank you to my kids- Ashlyn, Braden and Nym who constantly have my back. I'd be lost without Stacy who is vigilant in this battle with me. My mom is a rock that never breaks. My big brother Bobby and sis Maria have put up with me for years and still do for some reason but I love them to death. Brynnie Poo and Emmy make this uncle feel like the best in the world. My other sister Sarah has had my back with a ferocity of no other. I enjoy the conversations and encouragement I get with Emily. I don't mean to leave anyone out because I could write a blog just thanking people over the years. I am truly blessed, I love y'all and thank you for wearing a cape everytime I'm around you. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Today Lasted 365 Days

I'm struggling. Today is tommorow and tomorrow is yesterday. I was doing good, maybe even great, and now here I stand battling the thousands of hours that seem to stand in the way of moving on to a different day. 

I posted a poem I wrote earlier and I feel that's the closest yet I've been able to describe the madness I call my life. I love to say I'm ok because maybe if I say it enough I will be. I'm 43 and I still play the game after all these years but what choice do I have? Succumb to the negative? Believe the feelings I have? Buy into what the voices in my head are selling? So all I feel is madness sometimes and that is starting to feel like the norm. 

I have to worry about what's happening in my head at any given time while worrying about what I'm doing at work and how I'm acting at work. Do you know how exhausting that is because I really don't think the average person does. Then add when I'm not at work. Then add the average person doesn't want to hear my problems even if I want to talk about them so it's easier to say everything is just fucking peachy. 

Once again, I try to write positive things about how I'm kicking bipolar in the ass but this round I'm not winning. I'm backed in a corner and want to throw in the towel. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle after work. I want numb. I want escape. I'm tired of pills and I'm tired of being me. I'm tired. Period. 

I'm laying in bed not drinking and that pisses me off. I've every intention of getting drunk but just can't. I'm 43. I'm an adult. What's stopping me? Am I going to get grounded? Put in time-out? It's the voices of encouragement past. The feeling of being proud of myself when I hit these dark spots in life and turn away. I know it'll help me escape today but I can't escape tomorrow. 

I don't want this blog to be positive. I want it to be real and this is my reality. I see Derek on Thursday. I don't know what that session will bring but I know I'm going to pour my reality out and let him sort it out because that's what he's good at. Because today I'm struggling and there's still tomorrow left. 

If you're struggling, reach out for help. Call a number, phone a friend, call your therapist. Talk to someone. The positive in this, see there I go, is you are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan