Being Stubborn Isn't Helping

So I went to Wichita yesterday and saw Derek. I've been having problems with paranoia and auditory. Anger. I was actually responsible when these things started getting out of control again and got ahold of him.

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me. When these things amp up my number one go to is alcohol. I still convince myself that it's better than what any meds can do at the time because I can get that numbing, brain-slowing affect pretty quick. So I get to that desired level but then alcoholic Ryan steps in says he'll take it from here and then I'm flat wasted. It's no longer therapeutic. Quite the opposite.

So I talked with Derek yesterday and had told him previously under zero circumstances ever will I take lithium again. Screw the lab work and the tweaking of levels until I'm stable. Blah blah blah never say never, right? You think I'd now that by now. So I'm back on lithium after years and years of not being on it. It's the best medication that ever worked for me.

And there is the insanity of a sane situation. I just said it's the best medication that has ever worked for me yet I refused to go back on it. Because I don't like spending 5 minutes getting my lab work done. And to be real honest, I know that under no circumstances can I drink while taking it. Oh it says you can have a couple drinks or in moderation as long as you maintain hydration. What in the hell is moderation? This is why I say that I can't drink while taking it. I don't know moderation and I won't stop after a couple. It's easy to go toxic with lithium mixed with alcohol.

So I'm excited to be on something that I know without a doubt works for me but nervous and maybe even a little irritated that the alcohol stopped once I took my first dose last night. It's hard to completely give up something that has been a somewhat constant in your life. It's scary. I struggle with my alcoholism. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute.

So I'm asking for help. I'm asking for your prayers, encouragement, thoughts, accountability. I'm going to tell all the girls at the pub I love going to that under no circumstances am I to be served. That's embarrassing to have to do that but if I leave myself an out I'll take it. They are all amazing people and I know they'll help me however they can. I know you're thinking well he'll just go somewhere else. I don't feel comfortable other places. If I don't go there, then I drank at home. That's the biggest struggle I'm going to face. I can tell myself all kinds of things from I'm a grown man and can drink if I want to, that bonfires burn brighter with a beer in your hand, that people think I'm-that I think I'm more social and fun to be around. That alcohol actually improves my state of mind and bipolar. That it fixes my problems.

So I've got to unconvince myself of these things and realize they couldn't be farther from the truth. I need to remind myself of the nights in jail, thousands spent on fines, relationships lost, pain and anguish I've put friends and family thru. And that it's not going to make my bipolar go away. It's not medication. It's counterproductive. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing.

So I say being stubborn isn't helping but that may not be the truth. Because my stubbornness at doing something that seems impossible may just be the motivation that keeps this ball rolling. Telling myself I can't make it today will make me stubborn enough to do it for a week. Then a month. Then a year.

So please help me out. I've got two doses of lithium under my belt and that's two more than I had this time yesterday. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I keep saying I want to get better so my actions need to reflect that as well. Woke up sober this morning so I'm off to a good start.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully