Gray

Madness and
Chaos
Don't mind
The and
Hate the
BUT
In life
Always
A statement.
BUT
Interjects
With what you don't
Want to hear

Always
A beginning
BUT
Always an end
Tell me
Your story
So i can
Feel
Good
About myself
Let me
Experience
Normal

Sit in a crowd
So i feel
I belong
Don't talk
And ruin
It
Let me have
One moment
Of
Belonging
Before
Reality
Sets in

I smile
Because i heard
Something
Yet can't
Relate
Smile so i
Don't talk
And ruin
Your moment
Of ignorant
Bliss
Congratulations
On not knowing

So i walk
Thru ignorance
Trying to
Understand
BUT
Feel anger
Boil
Black and white
Mixed right
Make gray
Yet so uncomfortable
To break
The norm

I don't
Envy
Materialistic
Things
I envy
Ignorant
Bliss
I envy
Not having
To analyze
Every
Spoken
Word

So i will
Sit
And try
To keep
Black
On one side
And 

White
On the other
So
I
Can
Belong

Why Do I Do This?

So i drank Friday night because, you know, I'm pretty successful at being a social drinker and it carried into Saturday and Sunday. It's called a bender and i bent until i broke. So why do i do this?

I wish i had an answer to that question other than I'm an alcoholic that prefers to self-medicate than swallow tiny pills that i didn't even give a chance to work.

I'm seeing a new guy for my meds and he's amazing. I was super excited after meeting with him on Wednesday and felt that i had finally made a proactive decision towards getting a handle on my bipolar and instead i sabotaged my own good decision. I even said i wasn't going to drink on Friday but that's exactly what i did so then i couldn't take my meds. So i stressed out which led to the extracurricular auditory i deal with so my answer to that was i can't take my pills so I'll drink more. I don't have good logic on a sober day so it was out the window Saturday morning. Same with Sunday. I finally decided i wasn't doing this today. Not today. I'm better than this.

So I'm sober and I'm going back on my meds. I started them late last night after the booze had worn off because i told myself on meds equals no drinking and i confirmed that decision today by not drinking. Tomorrow is a new day that i can make that decision but I'm focused on today and i chose not to drink. I'm proud of myself. It may not seem like a big deal to some but it's huge to me. I said no. I said I'm better than this and i proved it by not drinking. I made that decision and I'm glad i did. My daughter, Corynne, told me i was a good man and i showed today that she's telling the truth. Damn right I'm proud of that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Still Alive

I look back
Hate what i see
Why am i alive?
What purpose
Do i serve?
Questions
To the point
Of insanity
Or did i have
To be
Sane
In the first place?

Questions
Answer my
Questions
Rationalize
My emotions
With guilt
And shame
A mixture
Better mixed
With red
And
Red
Alone

I want my
Physical pain
To match
My emotions
And then feel
It all
Pour
To an
End
So tired
Of being
This
Tired

I'm writing
So I'm
Living
Still breathing
Still fighting
Exhausted
To the point
Of being
Void
Of emotions
But
Still
Alive

Being bipolar isn't always an every day struggle but when it is it's exhausting. This poem was written during one of my lows. It shows the emotions felt behind the battle with myself. The battle of wanting everything to be gone but still sticking around. Needing to stick around.

Suicide is a touchy subject. It makes people uncomfortable. It offends, it hurts, it angers, it seems irrational. But what you forget is I'm describing emotions felt by those not contemplating or following thru with suicide.

I'm not in a bad place but it's time we talked about suicide. Let's get uncomfortable because like it or not it's real and it's not going away even if we ignore it. I personally have contemplated and attempted suicide. Is that hard to say? Absolutely. My family, my kids, my girlfriend, my friends all read this. People I've never met read this.

What isn't uncomfortable is I'm a survivor and as a survivor i believe it is my duty to help and talk about it and make it real and spread a message of hope. I hope if you're reading this and are thinking it's not worth sticking around, give it another day. I'm not being condescending I'm just telling you what i tell myself now. One more day. Then repeat if necessary.

I encourage all of us to be more understanding and compassionate. I encourage all of us being that ear that listens or that shoulder to cry on. I encourage all of us to get educated on the subject because it isn't going away and you never know who it may affect in your life including yourself no matter how improbable that seems today. Reach out, get out of your comfort zone and love. Let's get rid of stigma.

If you're struggling please reach out to someone because I'd like to see you give it one more day. Call, text, email someone- whatever it takes to see tomorrow.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Manic

I can
Do anything
Flying high
No lows
Top of the
World
Manic
Controlled chaos
Or uncontrolled
Stability
Makes no sense
But I've never
Had more clarity

I can taste
Colors
And feel
Words
I can solve
Life's equations
I can write
Epic poems
While living
A
Life
Worthy
Of being documented

I'm all important
I'm big words
In a small town
Or so
I think
Maybe that's a
Joke
But i think
Not at the time
While thinking how
Embarrassed
I'll eventually be

It doesn't last
Like all
Good things
It comes to
An end
Deal with the
Damage
The idiot
Inside the
Manic me
That's always
Fighting
To stay

Fear

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whetherthe threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I love this definition because of the real or imagined. That imagined part plays a big part in my bipolar so this definition describes the word 'fear' to a tee for me. It encompasses the word entirely.

Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
-credit Fear by Blue October

The song Fear by Blue October is a powerful song that moves mountains within me every single time i listen to it. Fear has kept me from doing so many things or to fall but i like the part where it says now i get back up.

So fear has crippled me many times- real or imagined. Fear has led to crippling alcoholism that i still struggle with every single day of my life. Fear use to allow me to refuse to admit that i had a problem in the first place. Everyone from my mom and brother to Julie and my friends that bartend like Vanessa and Tiffany that have refused to serve me have helped with that along the way. Fear kept me from being able to say no. Fear of being sober and facing whatever problem of the day seemed too much and these people have helped many times. My friend Stacy is like a rock to me, always encouraging and never judging but always there to cheer me on and keep me from guilting myself to death. I could name so many people and that makes me a lucky man.

Fear of failing keeps me from accomplishing goals. I have an issue with perfectionism. If it can't be perfect, then i can't do it. I've started projects and then not finished them because they weren't turning out perfect so i can't do it because i stress out. I almost ripped up my mom's wood floor because i saw what i considered an imperfection. Mom couldn't see it. Nobody could see it but i could and i couldn't handle it. Somebody else had to finish the last part of the job. That's part of why i can't be self-employed anymore. It manifested in every job i was doing and really started to become an issue. I've lost friends that i worked for because of it. Enough was enough.

Imagined fear has strained friendships, my family relations and relationships. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year because i thought he said something he didn't. I didn't talk to my mom for a few months because i feared she was trying to take control of my life and was embarrassed of me. I left Julie because i thought she was angry with me. All imagined fears. I fear that my family wants me locked up. They want me in an institution. Is this all the time? Nope. But when paranoia sets in so do those feelings and fears. I fear the FBI in the same way. My bipolar mania has dealt with them and that was awesome let me tell you. Don't email the FBI to quit following you-they take that very seriously. They will alert the police, sheriff's department, courthouse and family just to name a few. Yup.

So fear can be crippling but getting back up can be liberating. It can be a victory. Chalk it up as a win. I've always been lucky to have a great support system. So talk to someone, anyone. Don't let fear keto you down or beat you down. Don't let it lock your door and throw away the key. You can win this battle. Stand up one leg at a time until it gets easier!! I support you!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Who Knew?

So I've actually started watching YouTube videos of people with bipolar and doing a little research and it's amazing how many similarities there are. Who knew?

It's a good feeling listening to someone else say they do certain things or experience certain things that i do. It's comforting. There's comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I watched a guy that was filmed while having a manic episode that wouldn't take his sunglasses off because people could look into his soul if they looked into his eyes. Yup sounds crazy but i have fine the same thing. I remember sitting in a session with my counselor Greg saying the same thing refusing to take my sunglasses off. I still have a thing with looking into people's eyes. I feel like i can see their past and secrets and it freaks me out and i don't want them to be able to do the same. I've told vey few people about this and they've all pretty much been on my 'team' of professionals trying to help me. But I'm done being embarrassed of who i am and what i experience.

Yesterday Julie and I went shopping and i went to the grocery store next door while she finished up so i could grab some stuff for my coffee. On the way back to the car, i got to see a 'demon' and it's a good feeling to smile back instead of having that feeling that I'm crazy and wanting to run. Is it like that all the time? No but i appreciate it when it is.

I have a serious problem with preachers. I hate even writing that but i do. I had a horrible experience with one when i was in rehab and i still to this day have a horrible time not feeling like they're evil. Sinister. They're going to hurt me. I made myself have lunch a few months back with one and i was able to do it but it was hard. I told myself it's not his fault i have this weird tick but I'm not sure i could ever ever ever be alone with one. I have no idea why my bipolar brain picked preachers but it's real to me and I'm still working on it and have been for years.

I feel myself going manic and I've been taking my pills every single day. I think that's why I'm able to talk about some of this stuff today. I feel euphoric and that someone is going to read this and that it will be some ground-breaking stuff. That I'm going to be invited to speak all over the place because my insight into bipolar is way beyond what anyone has ever heard before. I'm kind of a big deal in case you didn't know. Knowing that is coming on I'm shall writing now before i really get full of myself and write stupid shit that I'll be embarrassed of later.

I love me some manic. I slept forever last night into this morning and i think my brain knew this was coming and gave me some rest before the storm. This is where i get confused on why i swallow pills everyday because this isn't suppose to happen, right? This is what they're trying to take from me but just can't seem to get it accomplished. So what's the point? Right now I'm telling myself I'm doing it for those i love on my life because i don't want to for myself this morning. So I'm going to go swallow my pills real quick and I'll be back.

Ok pills have been swallowed so you are welcome for me doing that for you. It's all about making those around me comfortable so if doing that accomplished that then so be it. I would've lied about taking them if i waited any longer so how's that for brutal honesty? I don't take them until later and so now I'm off my schedule and routine and we all know how that makes my world go around so if you don't believe how serious i am about getting better then there's no convincing you and i don't feel i need to be around you.

So I've started another short story and i think it'll be well-received. I have some ideas for more poetry. I've got a lot of ideas right now that i would like to do. I want a food truck. I've talked to my mom, brother and Julie about this. Probably a good thing i don't have the funds to buy one now or i would have one by the end of the day guaranteed. Buy now think about it later. Nothing ever goes wrong with that mentality. I think about things that happened in the past i could make right if i just talked to them right now. As in now. Immediately. Drive to Eudora and talk to Elvis. Drive to Wichita and talk to my kids and others involved with them and hash things out and we all get along. Go have coffee in Olathe with my brother and tell him all these amazing ideas i have and listen to him tell me his mind is blown. Which won't happen because he's good at talking me down and i don't want that right now. So on i ramble.

Maybe you're tired of my rambling? Fair enough because i have things to put on paper. So I've shared this part of me for once. Not the post craziness but the live version so yeah. Never thought i would. Who knew?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

If I Lay Here...Oh Look A Squirrel

So I have a problem with sitting still. I can't focus on one thing for very long before i start getting nervous and need to move onto something else.

I love to journal but i can't do it for long stretches at a time. I have four separate notebooks and each has its own purpose and i have to carry all of them with me so that when i get bored journaling then i can work on my short story notebook and then move to my poetry notebook, etc and that may be in a span of 15 minutes that I've written in all three and then I'm back to my journal. I'll then try to read and may get thru 4 or 5 pages before i can't focus and then I'm back to my notebooks routine.

I love movies but it's very rare that I'm actually 100% focused on the movie. I will journal or pace while it's playing because i can't sit still long enough. My brain is going and I'll remember something i wanted to do so off i go. I love reading but can't stay focused. I love journaling and writing but trail off. I have started my second short story and have it all worked out from start to finish but after i write a paragraph, all focus is gone and I'm off to do something else.

I'm a gamer on Xbox but I'm playing 5 games right now because i can only play the same one for about 15-30 minutes before i can't focus on it anymore and need stimulation from something different. So i have multiple ones i will play in the span of an hour.

I don't remember it always being this way. I could read, journal, write and game for hours. I was frustrated if i had to stop doing those things and now I'm frustrated because i CAN'T do those things even though i want to badly. I know i frustrate Julie and those around me when I'm fidgety and pace and constantly need to be on the go but the frustration in my head and with myself is a million times worse. It's a horrible feeling not being able to focus when all i want to do is focus.

I know ADD, ADHD and the adult versions are over-diagnosed but so is bipolar and i definitely have that. What keeps me from seeking help with my issue? It'll mean another pill i have to swallow. Yup. That's it. Makes perfect sense, right? Deal with extreme frustration and irritability because i don't want to swallow one more pill. Plus I'll have to be a guinea pig for medication until they find the right one that works and that frustrates me. Hell you're probably wondering what doesn't frustrate me at this point and good question because sometimes i wonder myself.

If I'm going to be real honest i don't want to add another diagnosis to the list of descriptors of my mental health. Bilpolar, schizzo-affective, acute anxiety and whatever they want to disgnose this as. I don't like it. I may own my bipolar and everything rise but i still struggle with the label.

There's more i can write but I'm already running out of patience writing this. Why do you think my blogs are so short? So I'll continue this topic in my next blog as it needs to be addressed and I'll let you know what i decided to do about it. Until then...oh look! There's a squirrel!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully