Between You and I

Do it says the voice

While arguing with common sense

I'm tired of giving piggyback rides

To the fake and unattached

The whispering, faceless ones

That didn't have my best

Interests at heart

But truly try their hardest

Smile mother fucker

So they don't know

Make them laugh

Just so I remember

What an honest one

Sounds like

You wait until you is home

Before you shows up

Did you know

I want to die sometimes

Or do you even care?

Too concerned with whispering

In my ear about death

To realize

Maybe I want

To live

You make it hard

To differentiate

Between what's real

And what's really real

Because sometimes 

I don't know anymore

And that's what

You've always wanted

Separate

Tear

Blend

Lie

Sustain

Kill

Breathe

Continue

Try as you might

To tear this skin open

Somehow I'm quicker

With the stitches

But the

Real question

Is

For how long?

Who will be

The winner

And who is

The real

Loser

I know your heart

Isn't in the right

Place

Win at all costs

Is beginning

To be

Your motto

Instead of mine

With the stakes

Being nothing more

Than my life

My life 

Is nothing more

To you than

A bounty

One to be added

To a list

Maybe someone will

Mourn

You've never cared

What I've thought

You've kept it all

Between you and me

Never caring

About the damage

As long as

You're heard

Remember when

You told me

To kill myself?

I think just

For fun

Because I'm 

Only

A game

I'm not sure

I know how 

To accept advice

From anyone

But you

Anymore

It's time

     The

          End

This poem is about arguing with a voice only I can hear. The back and forth. The endless games being played by one of me against me. It's exhausting and hopefully I was able to transfer that to this piece.

Thank you for reading.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Mind Full (Poetry)

Mind full

I write

And

More

Takes it’s 

Place

Knee bouncing

Brain

Throbbing 

Downplay

The

Amount of

Feelings

I’m fine

Can’t seem

To make

The

Reality of

The situation 

Disappear

No matter

How many 

Versions of

The story

I play

I

Convince

You

But somebody 

Please

Convince me

Let me

Obsess

Over this

As

Well

Pretty

Please

Why

Is the

Question that’s 

My

Constant

Hold my

Sanity

While

I display

The insanity

Of

The

Situation

Why did

I live

Why did

Others

Die 

How could

I have

Done 

Things

Differently 

Why am

I

Asking

Angry

So

I should

Punish you

For the

Crimes

I’ve committed

So I 

Have one

More

Notch 

Of

Guilt

If I obsess

Then I can

Change

The past

Bleed it

Out onto

Paper

So

That

Time

Ceases

Along with

My crimes

Instead

Stuck

Doomed to

Relive

Over and over

So that

The cuts

Never 

Scab

Leaving

The

Past

To bleed

I love

The way

You hate

Me

I scream

At the

Man in

The mirror

As he

Looks

Back

With

Approval

Glass

Shatters

So I

Know

Which

Me

Is real

Confused

On which

Side

I

Was

Standing

I still

See me

In the

Fragments 

Realizing

I’ll always

Be both 

That bipolar

Means two

Ryan’s 

A hand

Constantly on

The other’s throat

Who is 

The winner

With the

Loser

Easier to

Crown

Switching

Places

Daily

With the

Hour hand

Always ready

To strike

Straight jacket 

Can’t be

Seen

But still

Binds

Just as

Tight

Banging

Head

Hoping

To bleed

It all

Away

Medicine 

Maintains

But doesn’t 

Fix

No cure

They say

Heartfelt 

Sympathy 

Goes a

Long way

To a 

Place

Called nowhere 

Anger 

Steams

From pores

With no

Resolution 

Which

In

Turn

Causes

Anger

The 

Dreaded 

Constant

Endless

Cycle

Swallow

Glass

So I

Answer

With kindness

Slam pills

Before

Mind

Is changed

Steps

In baby

Form in

The right direction

I draw 

My

Paintings

Of pain

With

Words

Broad

Strokes

To

Cover

Every

Inch

Of canvas

Hoping for

Change

Skin

Silent

With brain

Tagging along

Striving

For what

I

Interpret 

Normal

To

Be

So I’ll 

Sit

Watching

Skin

Ripple

While pills

Hit

Bottom

Hoping

Needing

That today

Is that

Day

A Tale of Lies and Broken Promises

If I yell out

Until I lose

My voice

If I can’t speak

Of it

Does that mean

The pain

Is

Gone

Will the

Anger

Follow 

Suit

Put blame

Where it

Belongs

I wear it

Like a

Medal

Because 

A con

Can’t

Run their 

Game without

A

Participant 

I saw you

For what

You

Really are

Instead of

The mirage

You present

But once

The dust

Fell from my

Heart I focused 

On the beating

Blindly

Common sense

Raged a

Losing battle

Knowing the

Consequences 

Of actions

Doomed to

Watch from

Afar

Until the

Final strap

Broke from the

Mask you wear

You have

Taught me

Love

To the 

Point

That if

That’s what

Love

Is

I hope

Nobody ever

Tells me

They love me again

You told

Me

I was different

I am

But it was

You that needed

To be different

Instead of

Changing scenery

While

Staying

The same

Wear that

Sheeps

Clothing

Tailored 

To a 

Perfect

Fit

While walking

Amongst

Your victims

Without

A 

Conscience 

I wanted 

So badly

To

Believe 

That somebody 

Could love me

I turned 

A

Blind

Eye

To

Everything 

Else

Red flags

Used 

As

Decorations

Lies

Told

To

Fill the

Silence

With 

Noise

I’m to

Blame

I know

The games

I’m not

Naïve 

Wishing for

Something 

While

Knowing the

Truth

Doesn’t 

Make

Me

An

Innocent 

So add me

To the list

Of people

That made

You a

Victim

And I’ll 

Add you

To the

List of

People I 

Wish I 

Never knew

Who Am I

Who am I 

Do I even

Know anymore

I laugh

Wondering

If that’s 

Really my laugh

Or if I’ve 

Faked it so

Long

That

Maybe I

Dont have one

Maybe I

Laugh

To hide

The sadness

Like a secret

Locked away

Scared of

The knowledge 

Behind it

Look away

So you dont

See the tears

Trapped behind eyes

Closed doors

Ona

Darkened room

Trapped

With my truth

With my thoughts 

With myself 

Ive never

Hated a person

So much

I say

Out loud

To the mirror

I repeat

The lies

Ive been told

Ive believed 

Only causing

The resentment 

In myself to grow

Easier to stay

In this darkened 

Room with

The truths 

Of

Myself

Walk over

And lock

The door

Dont open it

Lose the key

Wipe the sweat

As I put

Brick after brick

Instead of 

Drying

Tear

After

Tear

Looking in

The darkest

Of corners

Where

I had to have

Lost myself

My soul

Has no light

To shine

No angel

To serve

As guardian 

Anymore

I see

An outline

Of me

Shell

Of an

Outside

With nothing

On the

Inside

Broken

Tired

Lost 

Empty

One foot

Behind the

Other

Losing progress

Every step

Of the

Way

Cursed

Trapped

With my past

Stuck in

A loop

Of reverse

Smile

It’ll get

Better

Is a smile

Still a smile

If it dies

At your lips

It’s so

Easy 

So maybe

You can carry

This burden

For me

Take the

Weight of

Carrying two

Polars

Take the

Noise of

More than one

Voice in my

Ear

Maybe you

Can battle

If what I see

Is actually real

Time to put

That smile on

Finish zipping

Up

The skin

Of what I’m 

Suppose to

Be

While covering

The uncomfortable 

Truth

Of who i

Actually am

There Is No Right

Why do I feel

This way

More often

Than not?

Tear my skin

Off please

So that

I may

Escape

Trapped

As I crawl

Seeking

Relief

I need

To sit

So that

I can

Stand

Scream

For

Silence

Because I

Crave

Some

Sensory

Overload

I can decide

That I'm

Unable to

Make

A decision

Nothing sounds

Good so

Let's try

All of

The

Levels

Of

Frustration

Sit still

While I

Crawl

Inside

Reaching

Infected

Brain

Determined

To misfire

Sending

Me

Chasing 

Peace

Peace

Just a

Word

Something

To look

For

But never

Find

Running

Wild

Matching

My 

Mood

Jokes

On me

I'm the

One running

Knowing

There's no

Relief

Where I

End up

Yet

Here

I

Run

Run it's

Course

Be patient

Fuck you

Easy words

For those

Not suffering

It shall

Pass

Let me

Rip my

Skin

You wear it

So I 

Continue

Searching

For remedies

That may

Or

May not

Exist

That don't

Involve

Poison

Swallowed

Intoxication

Stare

At the

Wall

Pace

The floor

Here we

Go

Mind racing

Weather

The storm

Ride

The wave

Crazy

I know

It'll end

Experience

Sadly

Multiple

Times

Doesn't make

It any

Easier

Maybe

Worse

Knowing with

No doing

So I walk

While running

On the

Inside

Deciding

Not to

Decide

So that

I can

Stand while

Sitting

And 

Wait

The Window

I opened my
Eyes
Found my
Surroundings
Sleep leaving
And you're gone
Still
After all
Of these
Years
You're
Still
Gone

Determined
To make
Everyone suffer
Because of my
Personal hell
I lost
Sight
That
I had
Heaven
By
My
Side

Years haven't
Brought
Forgiveness
And
Closure
Only constant
Regret
An all
Expense paid
Trip
Down
Memory
Lane

I can't let
Go
I hold
Tight to
My
Feelings
Of love
I
Lost
Years
Ago
Never to be
Had again

Past repeats
Itself
Only if
You put
Yourself
In a
Position
To allow
It
Never again
I can't
I won't
Never the same

Nobody compares
Not fair
To them
Anguish
For me
Better to
Be
Alone
Than
To deal
With
Unmet
Expectations

I don't
Have
What it
Takes
I won't
Give
Therefore
I do not
Receive
How to settle
When I've
Already experienced
The best I could

Get over it
Let go
Move on
Easy words
For those
On the
Outside
Attempting
To look in
While their
View is
Smeared
With their advice

Time heals
All things
A lifetime
Must be
What
They
Meant
Moving forward
With my
Memories
Moving
Backwards

Continuing alone
Is easier
Than the
Chance
Of experiencing
Loss
Again
How many
Times
Can something
Break
Before it's
Broken
Forever

Solitude
Alone
Self-preservation
Closed
Lock the door
Throw away
The key
While
Opening
The
Blinds
To the
Past

So out
That
Window
I stare
The memories
Cast a
Shadow
On
My face
At
That window
There I
Stand

I Need You So Go Away

I wrote this about my friendships, past relationships. The ending of both of those words has always encouraged me to set sail from both.

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I choose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The claws
Are deep
Can't
Change
It
Overnight

So walk
Away
Knowing
I'm fine
This is
The world
I
Created
And I
Will spin
Around
With the
Consequences

Remembered Past, Forgotten Future

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I chose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The classes
Are
Deep
Can't
Change
Overnight

And So I Walk

Words
When put
Together right
Can
Cut
Deeper
Than A sword
We're laughing
At you
Not with
You
If you had
Any doubts

But I'm
An adult
Dealing with
Grown children
So it
Hurts less
Right?
Their
Ignorance
Should
Be
My
Burden

Why is
The
Explanation
Needed?
Why is it
Up to me
To make
It
A
Given?
Why
Does it
Still hurt?

I'm a grown
Man
So deal
With it
Shrug it
Off
Words hurt
Less and
Hold less
Meaning
I guess
Nobody
Told me

My personal
Struggle
Isn't enough
I must
Also have
To shoulder
Their
Insecurities
Carry the
Weight of
My bipolar
World along
With ignorance

My shoulders
Are tired
The weight
Beating me
Down
I see light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Just for it
To be snuffed
Out
Over and
Over again

I still
Walk forward
One step
At a time
Slowly trying
To find
That light
Again
Refusing
To
Lay
Down
Again

I
Am
Me
I
Am
Not
A
Reflection
Of
You
And
So
I
Walk

Episode

I sit
I think
I hate
I love
None of
Them
Wrong
Maybe some
Of them right
Agree
Disagree
Judge
Accept

Make you
Uncomfortable
Good
Make you think
Make you reflect
Good
Easier to
Explain
Me
Away
So you
Don't look
Inside

I battle
Enough
To concern myself
With
Your baggage
I've checked
My baggage
And can't
Carry anymore
Enough
To last
A
Lifetime

So you deal
With
Yours
And I'll
Continue
To
Carry
Mine
For
Miles
Until a
Lifetime
Is over

Gray

Madness and
Chaos
Don't mind
The and
Hate the
BUT
In life
Always
A statement.
BUT
Interjects
With what you don't
Want to hear

Always
A beginning
BUT
Always an end
Tell me
Your story
So i can
Feel
Good
About myself
Let me
Experience
Normal

Sit in a crowd
So i feel
I belong
Don't talk
And ruin
It
Let me have
One moment
Of
Belonging
Before
Reality
Sets in

I smile
Because i heard
Something
Yet can't
Relate
Smile so i
Don't talk
And ruin
Your moment
Of ignorant
Bliss
Congratulations
On not knowing

So i walk
Thru ignorance
Trying to
Understand
BUT
Feel anger
Boil
Black and white
Mixed right
Make gray
Yet so uncomfortable
To break
The norm

I don't
Envy
Materialistic
Things
I envy
Ignorant
Bliss
I envy
Not having
To analyze
Every
Spoken
Word

So i will
Sit
And try
To keep
Black
On one side
And 

White
On the other
So
I
Can
Belong

Still Alive

I look back
Hate what i see
Why am i alive?
What purpose
Do i serve?
Questions
To the point
Of insanity
Or did i have
To be
Sane
In the first place?

Questions
Answer my
Questions
Rationalize
My emotions
With guilt
And shame
A mixture
Better mixed
With red
And
Red
Alone

I want my
Physical pain
To match
My emotions
And then feel
It all
Pour
To an
End
So tired
Of being
This
Tired

I'm writing
So I'm
Living
Still breathing
Still fighting
Exhausted
To the point
Of being
Void
Of emotions
But
Still
Alive

Being bipolar isn't always an every day struggle but when it is it's exhausting. This poem was written during one of my lows. It shows the emotions felt behind the battle with myself. The battle of wanting everything to be gone but still sticking around. Needing to stick around.

Suicide is a touchy subject. It makes people uncomfortable. It offends, it hurts, it angers, it seems irrational. But what you forget is I'm describing emotions felt by those not contemplating or following thru with suicide.

I'm not in a bad place but it's time we talked about suicide. Let's get uncomfortable because like it or not it's real and it's not going away even if we ignore it. I personally have contemplated and attempted suicide. Is that hard to say? Absolutely. My family, my kids, my girlfriend, my friends all read this. People I've never met read this.

What isn't uncomfortable is I'm a survivor and as a survivor i believe it is my duty to help and talk about it and make it real and spread a message of hope. I hope if you're reading this and are thinking it's not worth sticking around, give it another day. I'm not being condescending I'm just telling you what i tell myself now. One more day. Then repeat if necessary.

I encourage all of us to be more understanding and compassionate. I encourage all of us being that ear that listens or that shoulder to cry on. I encourage all of us to get educated on the subject because it isn't going away and you never know who it may affect in your life including yourself no matter how improbable that seems today. Reach out, get out of your comfort zone and love. Let's get rid of stigma.

If you're struggling please reach out to someone because I'd like to see you give it one more day. Call, text, email someone- whatever it takes to see tomorrow.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Manic

I can
Do anything
Flying high
No lows
Top of the
World
Manic
Controlled chaos
Or uncontrolled
Stability
Makes no sense
But I've never
Had more clarity

I can taste
Colors
And feel
Words
I can solve
Life's equations
I can write
Epic poems
While living
A
Life
Worthy
Of being documented

I'm all important
I'm big words
In a small town
Or so
I think
Maybe that's a
Joke
But i think
Not at the time
While thinking how
Embarrassed
I'll eventually be

It doesn't last
Like all
Good things
It comes to
An end
Deal with the
Damage
The idiot
Inside the
Manic me
That's always
Fighting
To stay

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions

Let me say that no i am not in a bad place but this poem describes my train of thought when i am. A glimpse of the bad side of bipolar...

Destroyer of lives
Why my purpose?
Let me die
Punishment is life
Witness my destruction
Let me die
Forced to live
Don't want to breathe
Lungs fill anyway
Heart is dead
Was it ever alive?
Let me die
Still here

Burn everything
To the ground
Nothing left
But black
Yet i walk
Still wondering
Why
Am i still here?
Let me die
Forced to walk
One foot
Still going
In front of the other

I see no future
Only the past
And regretd
Pump thru
My veins
Sustaining life
Let me die
A life
Not worth living
Yet here
I am
Let me die
Still here

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I'm tired
One foot
In front of the other
But I want
To sit down
Stop

So many battles
No apparent outcome
Nobody wins
Everybody loses
To win is to lose
To lose is only more loss

Existing
That's what life
Is all about
Be what you're not
Hoping no-one sees
What you are

Open up
Change
Useless
Pointless
For who?
For nothing

Walk that path
Try a different route
Discover new scenery
False sense of security
Excitement
Just to come full circle

What's the point?
Preconceived notions
Far outweighing
The new
The past
Destroying the future

This path continues
With one set
Of footprints
The others
Washed away
With tears from the past

So one foot
In front of the other
No sitting yet
Must find
That route
Alone

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-8

I see that shadow
I know him well
He follows along
Begging for his form
I won't allow it
I can't allow it

Follow my journey
Watch me change
Angry at every
Good choice
Comes close
Reminds me of the past

That shadow
Such a bad thing
Filled with anger
Filled with hate
Causing pain
Feeding off of it

Can't forget
Not allowed
Branded for life
Tattooed with his essence
So he follows
Waiting

Feel my self doubt
Can i change
Or doomed to fail?
Will my
Evil angel
Win?

I fill others with insecurity
I make them uncomfortable
I make them lose trust
I make them remember
I make them question
I make them run

I try
I say I've changed
Words are easy
So I'm told
Fall out of my mouth
Onto deaf ears

Well i have changed
Prove it you say?
I can't wait
Let me show you
So the shadow
Stays at bay

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings 7

Second Chances

Do dreams come true?
I had lost faith
Things of fairytales
Never happen for me
Watch it from afar
Thru glass
To everyone else

I couldn't, I wouldn't
Quit thinking of you
Of us
Two powerful letters
When combined
Tried getting use to 'me'
Get use to 'you'

There was a void
In my heart
That only you could fill
Figured it would stay
Try to cover it
Let no one see
Try to do me

When you are truly
A match made in heaven
Things have a way
Of coming together
Like the piece of you
And the void
In my heart

They say time
Is a valuable thing
Time heals
All things
I took those for granted
But I'm
A believer now

My world changed
In an instant
For so much
The better
We're proof that
Love always
Finds a way

When two souls
Connect like ours
Nothing can seperate
For long
What was meant to be
Me for you and
You for me

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-6

Owl Love You ForAwile

I'd given up on an idea
A myth they called love
People swore it existed
Been so long i wasn't convinced
Then i met you

Fought it
Scared me
Didn't want it to happen
What if it didn't last
Easier not to feel

Started falling harder
Wanted to run faster
Love is a weapon
Leaves one vulnerable
Opens the heat to experience pain

So beautiful
So genuine
Damn it no
Falling further
No stopping now

Terrified but thrilled
Feeling complete for once
Thoughts this won't last
If I'd only known then
My exact undoing now

Fell hard
Fell early
Fell fast
Constantly falling
Eventually to my demise

An all consuming love
Never thought possible
I would die for this woman
No thought
Take the bullet steal the pain

Want to steal the pain
Can't help but inflict
My insecurities
Taken out
On her

No more
Can she take
One losing
Of the mind
Too many

History doomed to repeat
Takes me back
Don't let it happen
Make it stop
I can't lose love again

Too late she's gone
Stay alone
Stop
Ruining
Lives

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-5

Let's Talk

Where did you come from?
Who do you
Think you are?
Yes we can talk
But don't expect anything
I'll have to say no

Want to be alone
I've given up
Can't you see?
Yes we can talk
But we're nothing
I need to be alone

Meeting sounds great
Harmless
I'll talk with you
But nothing more
I can't open up
Because you won't like me

Laugh
See I'm funny
I'm that guy
You're comfortable
That's my job
I'm on overtime

Have fun
Talk is pleasant
Leave you with a smile
You say you enjoyed
Yourself
My job is complete

Thank God you
Didn't meet me

I'm off the clock
Think of tonite
It felt natural
That's scary
Thank God you
Didn't meet me

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-3

Forgiveness eludes me
Such a word
We constantly seek
Like chasing a first high
Doomed to fail
I'll never find
Discovering loss
Embracing pain
Lost without it
Yet constantly needing it
Disappointment
Spread it easily
Hand it out effortlessly
Say i want one thing
Constantly proving otherwise
Sit alone
You've fucking earned it
So love it
Cherish it like no other
For that's what you've
Earned