Between You and I

Do it says the voice

While arguing with common sense

I'm tired of giving piggyback rides

To the fake and unattached

The whispering, faceless ones

That didn't have my best

Interests at heart

But truly try their hardest

Smile mother fucker

So they don't know

Make them laugh

Just so I remember

What an honest one

Sounds like

You wait until you is home

Before you shows up

Did you know

I want to die sometimes

Or do you even care?

Too concerned with whispering

In my ear about death

To realize

Maybe I want

To live

You make it hard

To differentiate

Between what's real

And what's really real

Because sometimes 

I don't know anymore

And that's what

You've always wanted

Separate

Tear

Blend

Lie

Sustain

Kill

Breathe

Continue

Try as you might

To tear this skin open

Somehow I'm quicker

With the stitches

But the

Real question

Is

For how long?

Who will be

The winner

And who is

The real

Loser

I know your heart

Isn't in the right

Place

Win at all costs

Is beginning

To be

Your motto

Instead of mine

With the stakes

Being nothing more

Than my life

My life 

Is nothing more

To you than

A bounty

One to be added

To a list

Maybe someone will

Mourn

You've never cared

What I've thought

You've kept it all

Between you and me

Never caring

About the damage

As long as

You're heard

Remember when

You told me

To kill myself?

I think just

For fun

Because I'm 

Only

A game

I'm not sure

I know how 

To accept advice

From anyone

But you

Anymore

It's time

     The

          End

This poem is about arguing with a voice only I can hear. The back and forth. The endless games being played by one of me against me. It's exhausting and hopefully I was able to transfer that to this piece.

Thank you for reading.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Maniacally Awake So Let's Go Shopping

So it's day one billion with hardly any sleep but I'm loving my creative side with my writings. It's the impulse shopping I would love to do that's got me nervous. 

So to get the question answered right out of the gate, no I still haven't taken my sleeping pills. Why you ask? Well because this kid is going full blown manic and damn how I've missed it. I've had the warning signs but I've ignored them. No point in having this blog if I'm not going to be honest. 

Voices. When they start getting worse I know my brain is going to start hitting overdrive. Don't get me wrong, no sleep isn't helping matters but they seem to talk more when mania is setting in. My name seems to be the favorite topic to yell at me for the time being and man am I enjoying that. 

Medication. Should've probably been number one but I didn't want to talk about it but I have to. No I haven't been consistent the last few weeks. Have I stopped altogether um hell no but consistency is just as important. Especially with lithium. My Abilify got screwed up with insurance yada yada and by the time I got it I'm sure it was completely out of my system so I'm having to start over. I'm back on track but in the meantime hello mania. 

With the virus going around I came into work with a cough and to me sinus issues but as a precaution I've been quarantined from work until the outcome of my doc appointment this morning. Hoping that turns out being nothing more than the good ol crud but now I've had extra time on my hands to try and not buy stuff. The desire to spend mass amounts of money hasn't plagued me in quite awhile but I really want to make up for lost time. 

So with the above being said it may be time to hand my debit card over to Stacy until I am back on the road. I get obsessive. If I buy one travel backpack for my gaming systems then 17 backpacks would obviously be better. Never know when one might need 17 gaming backpacks. Or multiple bottles of the same shower soap. Yes I can only use one at a time but the option to use two or more is definitely something to consider. Or another coffee maker but this one has a carafe as well and looks cool. No mine isn't broken but you're completely missing the point. 

On the bright side, I've become obsessed with my credit and getting any little derogatory remarks off. So I guess my point is I don't only engage in harmful or risky behaviors but too much of a good thing....you know the saying. I just want to be able to walk down the middle of the sidewalk instead of one side or the other. It's the extremes that are exhausting. I don't need 10 hours of sleep but more than one would be neat. I don't want to be a tightwad but I don't need to empty my bank account either. I want an amazing credit score but I've got to quit obsessing over it. Happy mediums. I imagine that way if living is neat too. 

So I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight. It's going to be a battle and I'm going to go ahead and admit I'll work up a thousand excuses and may or may not act like a 5 year old child when the time comes but I will take one. I'm already getting irritated just thinking about giving up this mania. Which is all I need to know on if I should take a sleeping pill tonight or not. Because once I go full blown there's no turning back until it's run its course and guilt, remorse and embarrassment usually come hang out for awhile afterwards. I think I'll pass. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully aka Ryan Sullivan