The Never-ending Night

When the sun goes down, the demons come to play. I haven't written in awhile because I've had a lot going on in reality and in my head. I try to process both realms before I put words on a page for everyone to read so that I can be nice, coherent and rational. I'm not sure I've ever been accused of being all three at the same time but one must have goals, right?

This week has been stressful, cold, miserable-a ton of negative words that describes how I've felt. I can't get my mind to shut the f up. I can't process some things and that's unacceptable. I've felt like a failure. I've relived my past and analyzed everywhere I went wrong that's led to where I am now. I'm experiencing my personal hell while others sleep the sleep of no remorse or conscience.

It's even seeped into my dreams. Makes me dread sleep. They're so real that it takes me awhile to snap out of it and then I don't want to go back to sleep for fear of what the next dream entails. I'd rather have one dream to obsess over than multiple. I took my Zyprexa last night like I'm supposed to when I can't shut it down and get stable sleep. I slept for 3 hours. I swore I could hear someone walking around in my house and after a thorough check, my rational side lecturing me the whole time, my unrational side came to the conclusion that they're probably hiding in the attic so I blocked the door leading to it because in the attic they'll now stay.

So now that I got that picture of insanity painted on the canvas of your brain we can continue. I've really come to enjoy my own company. If that sounds conceited it's supposed to because who else can give me all these conversations I have with myself and the walls? Who can stand up to a bar set so high? Why should I have idle conversations when I can intelligently tell myself where things went wrong with no possible way to change that moment in time so therefore the solution to the problem is deal with it. Oh I don't understand others actions? Well by all means obsess over it for hours until you come up with a solution of jack shit. Then I can go back to the actions and choices of the picture of perfection I call my past and live experiences over and over while playing the extremely fun game of what if I had done this instead of that and take the game on step further called analyzation and branch that out to possible outcomes that are impossible to achieve while my brain refuses to quit playing the game because like in Monopoly I must have all the pieces on the board before I can say I've won and the game is over. That has to be one of the longest sentences I've ever written in my life. Nothing like a rant sentence to win that achievement. Gold star is going on my fridge for the day and it's barely after 5am.

So to say the least, I'm struggling this week. Maybe longer but who's keeping track? My brain, come on people, work with me here. Luckily I have therapy this morning. Probably a good thing. Poor Joey has no idea what she's in for. Or maybe she does. She is blessed with my presence every Friday after all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

My Brain Is A Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure everyone was receptive of my blog yesterday but I'm fine with that. Everything doesn't have to set well with me 100% of the time and I was just being honest. I'm trying to give insight to my bipolar and yesterday's blog was no different. So with that said...

My biggest problem or complaint or however it's to be labeled is getting my brain to shut off. It whirls round and round. Some days are better than others but some days are worse than others. I get fixated on something and it's all over but the crying. I will analyze and try to decipher and figure out every aspect of it. Picture a white board with lines connecting all over the place and notes and sentences everywhere and possible outcomes all jumbled up everywhere. That's a glimpse. Maybe the tip of the iceberg because I also have an eraser and can start over on some of it, part of it, all of it.

So that's what I've been dealing with since last Friday. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't stop thinking about it. No solution stresses me out, then irritates then angers me. I couldn't come to a solution because I didn't think anything was wrong with who I am. That must not be the case so I couldn't figure out what could be the cause of what I'm suppose to change.

So here I still sit writing this blog with no solution to the claimed problem. There HAS to be a reason. There HAS to be an answer. I HAVE to have an outcome to my analysis. I don't. Unacceptable but I'm suppose to accept it. That's unacceptable to me.

My medication has been working. I say has been because I'm doing things that I was before medication. I felt leveled out. Not so much anymore so time to get ahold of Derek and see what I need to do. How can he help me. What's the next step. Where do I go from here.

I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that. I've come too far for that. I just need this hamster wheel of a brain to not do so many revolutions. I'm not asking for everything to miraculously disappear. Just at a more manageable level. I'll accept that outcome. I can find a solution to that problem and that gives me comfort.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Please Don't Come Closer Or I'll Ask You To Leave

So I go to therapy every Friday. I look forward to therapy. This Friday opened a whole can of worms I wasn't prepared for so my therapy right now is writing about it to try and get it out of my head.

I have to admit it made me angry when I was confronted with what I can only assume was insinuated as a flaw within myself. She said our time together has been leading up to this and everything inside me wants to call bullshit but here I am writing about it.

She said that I only allow people into my life so far and if they try to get all the way in then I find a reason to remove myself from the situation or relationship. I only allow people to see the Ryan I allow them to see. Self-sabotage were her exact words and she wants to get to the root of the problem. Slowly. And on my terms. I hope she plans on working there forever.

Control she says is my motivator ( I've never heard that before in my life...maybe) and because I can't control other aspects of my life then I refuse to give up what I can control. Maybe so. I like to look at it as I refuse to give anyone anything they can use against me.

So to continue with my last statement. Why would I give anyone emotional insight of me personally? Let me tell you my fears and insecurities so that you can throw them in my face at a later time. Sounds phenomenal. Sign me up please. I will not show weakness. Weakness leads to manipulation and just snowballs from there.

This has put my brain into overdrive since Friday morning. I've been thinking about it obsessively. Every way I look at it leads to me staying the way I am. I would rather keep the few really close friends I have than make more. I trust them completely but it's taken years. I would rather stay single than try to explain to someone again my quirks and they act like they understand what they're in for but split when they realize they didn't have the slightest idea. I won't be put under a microscope or analyzed. I'm good handling myself with bipolar because I'm the one with bipolar. I don't want conversations about emotional things or explain why I don't want to.

This sounds like a rant and probably because it is. If I'm fine with me I don't care if someone else isn't. You don't like me then great move on and I'll talk to you later. She doesn't like that I'm able to do that either by the way. It is who I am. I guess I don't have time for BS. I don't need more friends or a girlfriend to feel like I've become accomplished with my life. I love Joey to death. She's an amazing person but I feel like I've made it thru almost 42 years and I'm still here so I guess what I'm trying to say is...please don't come closer or I'll ask you to leave.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Sometimes I Really Enjoy My Own Company

I say that not to be full of myself but to be honest. And it's not a bad thing if you ask me, at least in my case, because I have struggled with that very thing for years. Enjoying my own company.

I should clarify and say I struggled to be alone for the right reasons. Anxiety would and still can prevent me from going to a get together or function. Something that sounded fun when I said I would go but then when the time came I couldn't make myself do it. I don't know how many times I would get dressed, walk out the door only to go back inside and feel the safety of locking the door behind me knowing I didn't have to face what was on the other side.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. It starts to make me feel panicky, then anxious, then anger because I can't control the situation which leads to me dumping gasoline and lighting a match to burn the world down around me. If I lock myself in then I don't have to worry about being mean to those around me and I can avoid whatever situation stresses me out. Kinda like the above paragraph but in a bigger level. Avoiding everything that stresses me can be a problem. That locked door becomes a security blanket. It becomes a medication that makes the outside world disappear. That's not healthy.

I journal religiously. Some may say fanatically. I say it's a good thing. Most of the time. It's a really good outlet for me, ways to get the things clogging up my brain out on paper and deal with. The bad part is sometimes that leads to me 'disappearing' altogether and before I know it I haven't had contact with anyone for three days.

So you're wondering why I say I like my own company and that's not a bad thing? Understandable. I say that because I have started going to those things that riddle me with anxiety. I battle that locked door and when I find myself locking it from the outside instead of the inside, that's a battle won. I've started trying to deal with my stress in a healthy manner before it becomes an all consuming rage and a lot of that is talking about it to the right people that give loving and honest feedback with honest solutions. I still journal but I don't allow myself to get lost for hours or days with my thoughts.

I can say I enjoy my own company because that's what I'm doing- enjoying it. I watch movies, read constantly, game on the Xbox One (yes I still love to game), work on my poetry and I write short stories. And speaking of short stories, one that I wrote will be made into a 30 minute short film for a film festival happening later in the year. Yup. You read that right. I refuse to divulge anything else except that John and April will be amazing to work with on this and I'm beyond excited.

So yes, I still have my quirks and triggers and God knows I still have bipolar but it doesn't always have to win. I'm on amazing medication, Joey is an amazing therapist and I have the best family and friends a guy could ask for. So I'm going to enjoy my own company over a cup of coffee before I go face the day. I hope yours is amazing.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Need You So Go Away

I wrote this about my friendships, past relationships. The ending of both of those words has always encouraged me to set sail from both.

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I choose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The claws
Are deep
Can't
Change
It
Overnight

So walk
Away
Knowing
I'm fine
This is
The world
I
Created
And I
Will spin
Around
With the
Consequences

Don't Buy What I'm Selling

I should've been a used car salesman. They get a bad rap because they're dishonest. Hence the fact metaphorically I should've been one. I apologize to all the honest used car salesmen.

I am an alcoholic. Plain and simple. No point in mincing words or candy coating it. So as an alcoholic I've gotten good at hiding that fact from those I love. Selling false goods. Using their hope knowing it will cause blindness while listening to me profess how I'm clean and sober while I wait until I can have my next drink. I'm a fake at this point.

I haven't been sober as long as my family thinks I have been. I've gotten lazy at fighting and instead beat myself with the bottle. I've been stressed and have used the proverbial coping skills I've become so talented at. If I could sell it as art I'd be known worldwide. The bad thing is it still didn't help me sleep. I mixed booze with my medication which is a huge no-no in hopes I could sleep. Numb. Forget for awhile. Anything really.

I preach to my kids not to be like me. Keep it under control. You've got an example in front of you where that path leads. But I also teach them to be honest. How hypocritical have I been? The classic do as I say not as I do. I can't expect anything from them if I can't back it up myself. My dad always told me all a man has is his word. I've not kept up with that teaching.

I'm going to screw up and my family has always supported me. They've been there when I've admitted I've drank. So why lie now? What's the point? I'm 41 years old so it's not like I can get grounded. There's zero repercussions they can give me so again why lie?  Because there's been so much disappointment. There's been so much said about how proud they are. Because I write this blog and have come so far with being bipolar that I get cocky and forget I'm still an alcoholic that will take any excuse to drink.

I learned to use it as a coping mechanism at a young age. Then it became a necessity. I see it, smell it, hear about it I'm ready to drink until I fall down. Until I get arrested. Until I hurt those around me. Until everyone is laughing at me instead of with me. I know all of this yet I still want to do it. Every single minute of every single hour sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe always.

So I'm not saying that I won't drink tomorrow or the day after. I'm not saying that I will. What I am saying is I won't lie about it anymore. If I can not be ashamed of being bipolar then I shouldn't be ashamed admitting I have a problem and be honest when it gets the best of me.

I'm sorry for those I've disappointed and lied to. I'm sorry for selling bullshit while trying to convince you it's a diamond. I at least owe you all that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

So I Write

I write a lot about a lot of things. I'm passionate about what I write because it has meaning and context. I feel like I can make a difference. But what if I don't feel like I can? What if I can't convince myself today that it's for a mutual benefit?

Sometimes I need to write because I can. That because of that fact I still feel human. That I'm normal. That I'm still breathing. And sometimes that's enough.

I've been pondering what my next blog was going to be about and it threw me for a loop because I wasn't sure. So hours turned into days and days weeks. I felt like I needed something legitimate to talk about and it evaded me. That's when I realized that's exactly what I needed to talk about. Nothing.

When I start trying to decide how I can get people to read my blog then I have entirely defeated the reason for writing it in the first place. It becomes forced and unbelievable. It becomes not me. I've fight too hard to be me so I refuse to sell out now.

So I have no message. I have no points of wisdom that will explain the unexplainable today. And I'm fine with that. You know why?  Because I realized I can write because I can. Plain and simple. I enjoy writing. I can. So I did.

If there's something you're expecting it of this then fine, I give you this. There doesn't have to be a reason for something. There doesn't have to be an expected outcome. There doesn't have to be expectations. If you enjoy doing something then do it and let that be the only reason.

Keep life simple and do the things that make you happy. The things that make you happy need no explanation at all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully