I'm Back From the Trip Inside My Head

I've been away for a few days and it's because I've been in a funk. I've been struggling with some things but i think my head is screwed on straight again.

One of my biggest struggles is my meds. I hate taking my meds. I have this problem with thinking that it makes me less of a person or steals my creative side from me. It's not true but tell myself that. If you can convince him please let me know how you did it. So i argue with myself on whether i need them or not. I hate getting blood levels drawn. I hate everything about it but the end result is that i need them whether i like it or not. So the psychiatrist started a different one today and off to the races i go.

I still struggle with just accepting things are great and to be happy about it. Sometimes the other shoe isn't going to drop and i miss out on life worrying about something that isn't going to happen. That can be a dangerous thing because it's like a virus and starts spreading through everything and everyone around you and if I'm not careful then it leave me a lonely person because nobody wants to be around that. Hence the medication i hate to take but obviously serves a purpose.

I'm better at being vocal with those around me so they don't feel like they did something wrong with my silence. Sometimes i like to disappear while I'm sitting next to those i care about and I've learned to come back and use my words to reassure that nothing is wrong, i just went on a little trip. Those trips are starting to get shorter.

I have a lot of positive going on in my life and i refuse to be my own worst enemy any longer. I am going to fight to keep all the positives in my life instead of going on trips in my head and realizing there's no one there when i get home. I told you that is a dangerous place and now it's time to follow my own advice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-8

I see that shadow
I know him well
He follows along
Begging for his form
I won't allow it
I can't allow it

Follow my journey
Watch me change
Angry at every
Good choice
Comes close
Reminds me of the past

That shadow
Such a bad thing
Filled with anger
Filled with hate
Causing pain
Feeding off of it

Can't forget
Not allowed
Branded for life
Tattooed with his essence
So he follows
Waiting

Feel my self doubt
Can i change
Or doomed to fail?
Will my
Evil angel
Win?

I fill others with insecurity
I make them uncomfortable
I make them lose trust
I make them remember
I make them question
I make them run

I try
I say I've changed
Words are easy
So I'm told
Fall out of my mouth
Onto deaf ears

Well i have changed
Prove it you say?
I can't wait
Let me show you
So the shadow
Stays at bay

I'm Very Confident In My Lack of Confidence

Self-confidence, or the lack thereof, still a huge struggle to date. I'm not sure if it means I'm still doing something wrong or I'll never be able to do it right.

Right now it feels like I'll never be able to things right. I've done to many wrongs to ever make them right and my biggest achievement will be disappointing those around me. At least i lived up to that expectation.

I'm really, really trying to stay positive and pull myself out of this funk i woke up in. I just keep thinking about what someone said once. That once you see the real side of someone that's the truth of who they are and they can never change. People don't change...maybe for awhile but never for good. If that's true, then I've been doomed to fail from the beginning. If that's true, why even try?

I'm going to keep trying and this isn't some victory speech that's going to get the 80's movie slow clap that i never understood, but for sanity's sake. I refuse to live in a world that I'm doomed to fail. I refuse to allow other people's opinions of me decide what i can and can't have in my life.

My lack of self-confidence tells me to give up. Act however you want because all this trying will be for nothing if I'm doomed to fail anyway. Too much damage has been done to get friends back. Too much damage has been done to my love for us to make it. Too much damage has been done to family that the next rocket trip to planet dipshit will be the final straw.

A lack of self-confidence can be a damaging thing to myself and those around me and i struggle. I am trying. I have changed. Maybe it's that some refuse to see it. So why is that my burden? Why do i make it my burden?

Probably because i still screw up. Probably because i will never reach a level of perfection so it is true that I'm doomed to fail if i look at it that way because that's honestly what we expect from others isn't it? An unrealistic expectation of doing everything right everyday. Every action, every spoken word, every emotion must be perfect because a score of 99 out of a hundred is pretty damn good but I'm sorry it's not perfect so thanks for the valiant effort but you fail.

So i continue on with fighting to be the man i want to be knowing I'm going to fail achieving perfection. And I'm fine with that because a perfect guy sounds boring to me. My imperfections make me unique. They make me different and there's nothing wrong with being different. Who in the hell wants to be like everyone else? I think I've more than proven that i don't. I just need to be more confident about it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

You Said You'll Never Leave But I Know You're Lying

The title says it all. I have abandonment issues. Why? That's the million dollar question. I sit here and think that i have zero reason for that issue and i feel that i am correct which makes it that much more frustrating for me when i feel this way.

I grew up with both parents in the house. They were married until the day my dad passed away from cancer. So i never experienced a parent leaving when i was a child which can obviously be a reason for someone to feel abandoned. Not it.

I have this feeling of impending doom. Someone is going to leave me. Something is wrong. Someone is going to leave me. Today is the day that my world gets turned upside down. Someone is going to leave me. Someone is going to die. Someone is going to leave me. Someone had changed their mind about forever with me. Someone is going to leave me.

As you can see it becomes all consuming and that is when i do something stupid. That is when it goes from a mental glitch to a reality. A self-induced reality. I like, no, i love my reality. I love everyone in my reality. Not today paranoid man with bipolar. That former me is gone. I refuse to let him back in. His shadow still hangs around.

It's his shadow that brings this self-doubt. This lack of confidence i get from time to time because i think that's part of it. I need to be confident in other's confidence that they're here for the long haul. I need to drink off of that instead of drinking from the well of paranoia. That well is contaminated and has been for a long time.

I'm a fighter now instead of giving in to every emotion and then trying to sift thru the damage later. I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse to be lazy. Because giving in to every emotion is laziness. Pain and simple. It's the easy way out and puts the burden on others you were too weak to carry. I am not a weak person. I'm not that guy anymore.

So talking about feelings makes people uncomfortable. Trust me, i know. But it is a necessity. It is a must. It is the absolute key to my relationship growing stronger by the day with my love. It is necessary to keep my friendhips strong. It is important for my family to know what's going on instead of lashing out. That shadow of who i use to be likes to hang around and see if he can take back over but the jokes on him. He forgot that when i become a better man each day, my future gets bright and shadows disappear.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Need Sleep Or This Dream Really Needs To End

45 minutes. That's a decent amount of time for quite a few things. Exercising, time spent waiting on hold...numerous things except total amount of sleep for the night. Not so much.

For some reason my brain decided to go on OT last night and if would share its paycheck with me it might be worth it. But I've never seen a dime so i won't hold my breath. I got in this obsessing mode and man i got things figured out and it was happy thoughts but sleeping makes me happy too.

I was thinking about the future and it looks bright and fills me with an all-consuming happiness but i guess i really needed to start hammering all the details out once the sun went down. I must do my best thinking from 10pm on. I'll need to see if i can switch shifts because I'm not cut out for this one anymore.

My relationship looks bright and that's going great. I looked into some different options for careers I'm interested in and how i can achieve that. Then i sat there and played out every combination of scenarios on how it would turn out. Crazy, right? Maybe. Ok yes it is but I'm not sure how to stop doing something that comes so automatic.

I feel I've gotten my temper under better control. Yesterday i had a minor setback with that one but i still feel i handled it better than that former self would have. That former self wasn't a very good guy and i like me so I'll do whatever it takes to keep liking me. I feel I'm getting my OCD tendencies under better control minus the obsessing. That's good. Lots of positives going on. I use my words with people instead of shutting down and escaping into my head. Never escape into my head if you have a chance. Sushi is amazing but you're not going to buy it from a gas station so think of being inside my head as gas station sushi.

So hopefully tonight is better. I've got things to do today, dinner with my mom then Men's Group so hopefully I'll be so tired once that's all done that i can finally get some shut eye. Hope you all have a good day and stay safe.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Tried My Skin On Today. Anyone Know A Good Tailor?

I am a huge Linkin Park fan. Chester stopped a concert for me because he saw me get pulled down and waited until he knew i was ok before starting back up. I can't make this kind of thing up. That being said my heart goes out to his friends and family. I listen to his music all the time and this morning i was listening to Crawling. I understand that feeling. 'Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how i fall, confusing what is real.' Wow.

It's hard to be in my own skin at times. More than i care to admit. I think of all the things in my life I need to make right and what if i can't? What if I'm not able to? I've got a lot of positive things happening in my life so I'm not saying my life is crap by any stretch of the imagination. It's the major things that haunt me. I am with my soulmate but i caused a lot of hurt and pain. Can i make all of that forgivable? I lost my best friend...is that so far beyond repair that I've lost him for good? There's obviously people in this town that feel I've wronged them in an unforgivable way. I saw one of them yesterday and it made me realize that there are people out there that still think of me as a bad person. Still talk of me as a bad person. Am i a bad person?

I have a hard time with being me sometimes. I have those days that i can't get relief from wanting to sit down but i have to walk in circles because my brain won't slow down. I'm craving to sit down with a good book but start a movie instead because i know my attention span is to the point that even the movie will turn into background noise so that i can journal for 2 minutes before i have to move on to two lines of poetry but nope can't do that either so let's work on a short story just to start thinking how irritated i am that I'm not reading right now. I want to go hang out with friends but that means leaving my apartment so nope. Wait i hate that I'm in my apartment instead of hanging with friends so down the stairs we go...what the hell am i doing outside of my apartment? Get back in there!!

Let's add in a side of heart issues because life really has a sense of humor. I can't remember the last time i didn't have a black eye from passing out and falling. I can kick my own ass like a champ. I can also dwell and obsess on it like a champ. I can joke about it to make others feel better like a champ. I can be scared. I can cry when I'm alone because what if I'm finally getting good back in my life and this kills me?

What if i can't make all these wrongs right? What if i can't be forgiven for things i long to be forgiven for? What if I don't get to enjoy a long life with my soulmate? What if my best friend never forgives me? What if i changed for the better but it's too late and I'm stuck with 40 years of regrets?

I'm sorry this one isn't my usual funny upbeat blog but it's just as real. Sometimes the show has to stop and the actors have to get real. This is the reality of me crawling in my skin worrying about wounds that won't heal.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Paranoia Drives White Vans, Love Drives A Nissan

Alright, alright, alright. Have you ever seen something you swore was there but chances are it really wasn't? We all have. Completely natural for the eye and mind to jack with us from time to time and we see a shadow or something out of the corner of our eye just to turn and nothing's there. I mean, this does happen to the 'normal' people out there too right? Man i hope so or you guys are really missing out and should get out more.

Now how about vehicles and people. Are you cool enough to look out a window and see the FBI (man they really are probably following at this point) in white vans sitting outside your house? Have you been in such an enlightened state of psychotic psychosis that your brain has literally told you that your boring, laid back lifestyle is so interesting that the FBI wants to hang out outside just to catch a glimpse of how awesome you are? Why are you saying no? Oh that's right, because my answer should be no as well. Ummmm...is it bad that it's going to be yes? Well that sucks but I've already said too much so keep up so i can get this finished before they knock on the door.

I don't see them all the time and it's few and far between but it's so real to me when i have, that i emailed the KBI and told them to please quit following me. Let that dandy piece of candy soak in real good for you. That leads to a certain bit of chaos and embarrassment and I'm sure a red flag next to my name in their database. It lead to the sheriff, the EPD, courthouse security and my brother being notified to name a few. I still have to show my face around in this town. Tell me i haven't been judged as a looney tune.  But that's beyond seeing a shadow or something out of the corner of my eye but it's as real to me as that strange white van sitting out....you get my point.

My family has tolerated this craziness and supported me thru thick and thin with a passion that equals no other. Well no other except my love that drives a Nissan. She doesn't think I'm crazy. Well she does but not in that sense of the word. Not the negative way people have of saying it but in the way that I'm unique and she loves that about me. She told me she's going to be by my side thru all my ups AND all my downs. That 'and' is huge. I'm use to buts. I'm use to clauses. I'm use to horrible, hateful remarks. The only thing she had to say when i finally let go and told her all of this baggage that came with me was she finally understood why i had done the things i had done and that she loves my honesty. And me. Another huge 'and'.

I can't imagine how isolated and lonely she had to have felt at times the first 2+ years we were together. Constantly wondering what she had done wrong while i disappeared into my head thinking i was doing her a favor by hiding it. It lead to our break up. It lead to heartbreak.  It lead this unashamed, strong and confident man that I've become. What? Yes i am saying I'm glad all that bad happened because now my life is filled with good including M because of it. So even though it was painful I'm glad it happened. I needed it to happen.

I've now got being a key note speaker in my sights. I want to speak to schools, law enforcement, mental health conferences...i want to help others get where I'm at before 40. I want to give insight to those that deal with the public. I want to touch lives in a positive light. I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed and i like me flaws and all. So does my family. I'm guessing M does too since she said she's looking forward to the next 40 years. She obvioulsly hasn't tried to picture what I'm going to look like at 80.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully