And So I Walk

Words
When put
Together right
Can
Cut
Deeper
Than A sword
We're laughing
At you
Not with
You
If you had
Any doubts

But I'm
An adult
Dealing with
Grown children
So it
Hurts less
Right?
Their
Ignorance
Should
Be
My
Burden

Why is
The
Explanation
Needed?
Why is it
Up to me
To make
It
A
Given?
Why
Does it
Still hurt?

I'm a grown
Man
So deal
With it
Shrug it
Off
Words hurt
Less and
Hold less
Meaning
I guess
Nobody
Told me

My personal
Struggle
Isn't enough
I must
Also have
To shoulder
Their
Insecurities
Carry the
Weight of
My bipolar
World along
With ignorance

My shoulders
Are tired
The weight
Beating me
Down
I see light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Just for it
To be snuffed
Out
Over and
Over again

I still
Walk forward
One step
At a time
Slowly trying
To find
That light
Again
Refusing
To
Lay
Down
Again

I
Am
Me
I
Am
Not
A
Reflection
Of
You
And
So
I
Walk

Your Ignorance Doesn't Make Me Less Of A Person

I've had a trying week. I've had a frustrating week. The ignorance of people never ceases to amaze me. It never will so I push forward and continue on.

My meds were doubled and when that happens it takes me a few days to transition and it puts me in a fog. I become quiet, super calm and distant. I'm not the funny, energized Ryan I normally am. This makes those around me uncomfortable. Especially this week because of the reaction I got. I was constantly asked if I was mad. What's wrong? Why aren't you joking with us? I assured them I want mad but that wasn't good enough so I decided to be honest with them about my medication. About my bipolar. I thought hey, I'm not embarrassed of my diagnosis and I could educate. We're adults and can act as such. Nope.

The jokes started. I was actually asked if I was going to freak out. I'm not going to come to work and shoot everyone am I? Do I hear things or see things and start talking to people that aren't there am I? I can laugh with people but I can't take being laughed at. There's a huge difference. So every time I had valid feelings or got frustrated because of what I was doing it was watch it Ryan's going to freak out and lose his shit because I'm bipolar after all.

What I don't understand is I was a valid person with valid feelings to them until I was honest about my bipolar. Suddenly I was less of a person that deserved to be ridiculed and made fun of. In their minds anyway. I'm above and beyond that line of thinking now. I am not in control of their ignorance but I am in control of how I react to it. I actually felt pity. I felt disappointed in their stupidity.

The flip side is I was proud of being honest even though the outcome was more than disappointing. As dumb as it sounds, I was proud of myself for talking about it and I still will. The stigma is still there. But I continue to chip away at it one day at a time. I will not be embarrassed of something i can't control having. But I can control myself, my reactions to it. I'm doing the right thing talking medication even though they literally told me to quit taking them because I was more fun off of them. The old Ryan would have. The new Ryan doesn't give a shit what they think because the new Ryan is confident and doesn't take ignorance to heart and look at it as a reflection of myself. I look at it that people are still uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not uncomfortable. That's on them.

Ignorance and stigma are still very real and very alive in our society. The difference is I don't let it affect me or define me as a person anymore. I have taken the right steps and I've stuck with it. Being bipolar isn't something I asked for but I refuse to let it be my label so in that note....

I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar
R. M. Sully

A Much Needed Break

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written but i took a much needed break fir awhile. September was full of stress and anxiety and it all added up to me disappearing for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, September wasn't a bad month but i had to get out of my comfort zone a few times and it was harder than i thought it would be. I was the lived experience speaker for Beacon for Hope at the walk held at Jones Park here in Emporia, KS. It was truly an honor to be a part of that but i wasn't expecting the flood of emotions that surfaced while trying to give my talk. I had a 15 minute talk planned and I'm not sure i made it to 5. The support of my family, friends and community still overwhelm me with how accepting and open-armed they are.

So i went charging ahead and did another thing completely out of my comfort level and that was to not only go out of state but to encounter the airport as well. I got on a plane and flew to Denver, Colorado.

I don't know if you've ever been in the airport at Denver but it's like walking Emporia on foot inside a building sizewise. People everywhere, loud and constant commotion. Sensory overload to say the least but i did it. I took the trip so i could do some photography and i wasn't disappointed. The beauty there and the surrounding cities is breathtaking. I will definitely go back.

I think all the excitement took a toll though. I battled a bout of depression last week that lasted a few days but seemed like a lifetime. I eventually shut myself in the house Saturday and Sunday and didn't leave. I ordered pizza so i wouldn't have to leave my house and i slept or attempted to watch movies. I didn't have the attention span or care to journal or read...both things i love to do.

This week has been much better. I feel like myself again and I've made plans with Sarah Sunshine for Saturday and I'm looking forward to a day full of laughing and goofing off. A much needed day of that i must admit.

It sucks going thru the down sides of bipolar but the positive thing for me is i know it's not forever. It feels like forever when I'm going thru it but in the back of my mind i tell myself this too will pass. I try not to dwell on the negative but look forward to when I'll be myself again. I use to let it consume me and i think that lead to my downs lasting longer and negativity to really get it's claws in me. I'm not downplaying how hard bipolar or depression can be at all so please don't get me wrong. I know there's people that constantly struggle and my heart goes out you. I've been lucky enough to finally find a med guy that has me on the right meds at the right dosage and that has helped tremendously. It feels like i was lucky enough to find the needle in the haystack.

So the last month was stressful and out of my comfort zone but do i regret it? Not one bit. I'd do it all over again if given the choice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

100 mph With Zero Reason To Look Back

I'm content. I like where I'm at in life. Do you know how long it's been to truly and honestly say that? Me either...guess it's been awhile.

Last Saturday Beacon for Hope held its annual walk and I was the lived experience speaker. I was honored to be asked to speak as well as be on the board. I've talked on the radio with Melissa but i had never faced over 100 people and told my story. It was harder than i thought it would be. It brought up feelings i hadn't faced in awhile. I felt guilty to be alive in front of those who's loved ones are no longer there. I felt proud to hold my head high and be proud of who i am and not embarrassed. It was a good day.

I saw my med guy again and he is amazing. He upped my dosage and i was nervous but honestly i feel great. I thought i already felt great but once again I'm pleasantly surprised. Look at me liking my medication. Not sure that's ever happened.

I go to therapy today and I'm looking forward to seeing Joey. She's awesome at what she does and helps me more than she'll ever take credit for. I think she's helped me become a better person and given me some methods to my madness that keeps me from feeling completely crazy.

I'm single and that's the best place for me to be. I'm actually enjoying being on my own schedule and working thru things without having to worry if I'm bothering someone else. It's allowed me to focus on my medications and moods and if those aren't in check then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway.

So i guess life is good. Is it all rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not but it would be boring if it was. So if you have something bothering you-talk. Talk, talk and talk some more. It really does get easier the more you talk. It has helped me tremendously to realize it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help and to talk. In my opinion it takes a strong person to admit that and i know to those reading these words that you are a strong person so go on and ask, talk, get help so that you can in turn help someone else in their time of need and be with everyone that loves you. Because they do.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Episode

I sit
I think
I hate
I love
None of
Them
Wrong
Maybe some
Of them right
Agree
Disagree
Judge
Accept

Make you
Uncomfortable
Good
Make you think
Make you reflect
Good
Easier to
Explain
Me
Away
So you
Don't look
Inside

I battle
Enough
To concern myself
With
Your baggage
I've checked
My baggage
And can't
Carry anymore
Enough
To last
A
Lifetime

So you deal
With
Yours
And I'll
Continue
To
Carry
Mine
For
Miles
Until a
Lifetime
Is over

Quit Calling It An Episode

Have your feelings ever been explained away or not validated? Ever had a genuine reason to be mad, angry, sad-pretty much any emotion but because you're bipolar it's not valid?

I get this all the time and it frustrates me to no end. Just because I'm bipolar dis not mean that my emotions are invalid and a byproduct of it. I am allowed to cycle my emotions just like you or the next person.

I am a very blunt and honest person and I've come to believe that makes people that aren't that way uncomfortable so it's easier to explain me off than to justify what I'm saying. So though i deal with my burdens i am now expected to take yours on as well. How is that fair?

Don't get me wrong, i have family and friends that allow me to be me but it's the ones that don't that frustrate me. I admit when I'm having an 'episode' for lack of a better word but I'm also human. There's a reason my tag line is I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar. It didn't define me as a person and it sure as hell doesn't define my emotions.

I have learned to reach out when I'm struggling. I have learned that i do have bipolar induced emotions but how unfair to put me in a category that 100% explains me away. If i feel wronged then i will voice it, if I'm sad i will voice it and guys what- has nothing to do with bipolar but everything with being human.

I don't need to be educated in how my behavior effects myself or those around me because i live it everyday. I don't need people that has zero experience being bipolar telling me what I've done wrong but maybe how I've started doing what's right. Criticism can be pretty constructive but also debilitating and counterproductive if not based in concern or for the right reasons.

Ever heard walk a mile in my shoes? Of course you have and until you experience what i do, you can keep your destructive opinions and episode naming to yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or accusatory. Why i even had to put that disclaimer in frustrates me but it's the nature of the beast.

My wish is maybe you'll sore compassion to things you don't understand and make you uncomfortable. My wish is that you'll ask yourself why that makes you uncomfortable. That maybe you'll imagine walking a mile in my shoes. My 'episode' of ranting is done. Singe of you are uncomfortable and thankful and done of you are thankful for me finally voicing my frustration- I'm here for both of you- all i ask is you be here for me as well.

I'M NOT BIPOLAR-I HAVE BIPOLAR
R. M. Sully

Meds Are My Friend

I tell you what, my title says it all. I started these meds a couple of weeks or so ago and i have to admit I'm a huge fan. Yeah you heard me right. I love my meds.

I met with a new guy in Wichita for my medication and he's like a breath of fresh air. He listened to me. Actually listened and cared what i had to say. If i had been on a med and didn't like it, it was of the table. He talked to me not at me and there's a HUGE difference. He took into consideration my concerns or opinions instead of being concerned about how important and smart he is.

So i guess what I'm saying is I'm on my meds and staying on my meds so far. They make me feel leveled out without feeling dumbed down or tired. I am more productive because i actually have an attention span now which is new to me. I still have anxiety at times and get sensory overload which makes me irritable but the good far outweighs the bad.

My niece got married this weekend and the constant here and there wore on me because of it being in Kansas City and having to drive in the traffic so i was stressed every time i got somewhere. I walked out of a store even though i needed the things in my hand just because i felt like everyone was in my personal space and staying at me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that but being at her beautiful wedding was well worth it all.

So all in all I'm a happy man and it took me a long time but I'm finally on the right combination of meds and i feel fantastic!! Life is good and i don't sweat the small stuff and staying positive. What else can i ask for?