Yeah It's A Fight Club Thing

If you don't know, Fight Club is my favorite movie and there's a quote in there that completely resonates with me every time i hear it, which at this point, is well over 200 times. Don't judge me. Anyway it goes like this- "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I was giving you a minute to truly think about what that's saying and the absolute truth behind it. Still thinking? You should be.

Think about your life and how maybe you wanted to change but was there really any push or initiative or reason to if you still had plenty in your life that you loved versus what you regretted or hated about it? I'm guessing, no i know, if you don't think you need to change anything then why do it? If you're thinking about anything right now or you got that bleh feeling reading this then get to changing.

In my life, I've always waited to see if everyone around me would change because who the hell wants to think that it could possibly be yourself that needs changing? I'm going to let you in on a little secret...that quote will have so much more meaning to you if you wait too long and that isn't a good thing.

I have lost so much along the way that it's painful to think about. I've hurt people because since I've been hurt i thought it was justified. I took people for granted. I shut people out. I closed myself off for fear of being hurt that i hurt myself in the long run much more than i ever would have if my actions behind 'I love you' spoke more than those three words ever could.

I feel that in my life, i have lost everything and once i did i was free to start trying to make changes in my life. The joke behind that is i should have never let it get to that point. I agree with the quote for what it's saying but i disagree that changes can't be made before everything is lost. I only figured that out to late. Now i have to sit back and hope that my changes aren't too late. That certain things can be reconciled, that certain sins can be attoned for, that certain pain and wrongs can be forgiven in the long run and the past forgotten or at the very least cease to cause pain.

I know I'm asking for a lot and i probably don't deserve half of what I'm asking for but I'm hoping my actions will finally start speaking louder than my words. I'm hoping my actions start relaying my feelings and that confidence and trust can still be built. Time will tell...i hate that saying but probably because it's the truth and I'm not a patient person. Looks like something else i need to work on.

I'm still struggling with things i myself don't want to forgive or deal with yet and i need to face those things. I need to follow my own advice which is hard to do. Don't wait until you've lost everything before you feel free to do anything. Is a great line in a movie but let it stay there. Don't let it describe your life because I'm telling you, that's a miserable road to travel. Even if you start with the most obvious and go from there it shows effort and i think anyone can appreciate that. At the least you can start appreciating yourself.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Kinda Spiraled At 100 mph

It's been a slippery slope for a few weeks but i need to snap out of it and get back to what was working for me.

I fell off the wagon head first. Did it accomplish anything you ask? Absolutely nothing. It helped me feel worse about myself. It helped me feel guilty. It helped me be an asshole and shut myself off from people. So i guess it accomplished what it always has for me.

I actually started liking myself and was getting my life in order and i feel like I've torn that apart in the last few weeks. I've taken a huge step backwards but i refuse to give up. I'm not done fighting yet.

I'm going to get back to blogging and writing. I'm going to start taking pictures again. I started reading again and man i really missed that, too. I've got all the tools at my disposal but it was easier to be lazy and give in to my demons. Not anymore.

I'm not saying I'll have something on my blog everyday starting out but it'll be more often than it has been. I appreciate ask the encouragement I've received. It means a lot and has helped so thank you!

Today is a new day and a new adventure so I'm going to start enjoying it again.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I haven't written in awhile. It's honestly hard to write an upbeat, you can do it blog right now because that's not how I'm feeling. I had taken such a huge leap forward these past couple of months that i guess the huge step backwards should've been expected.

I know this is just a bump in the road but it's not been a fun one. I've kinda lost joy in the things i was enjoying like my writing and photography. I spent the last weekend sleeping while movies played on the Xbox. I'm not sure i watched a whole movie the entire time. It just feels like existing at times.

Each day i wake up, it's basically a goal just to battle thru that day and hope the next one is better. Killing time. Kill enough time until i can sleep thru to the next day. I've had enjoyable times don't get me wrong. Evenings spent with a certain someone or hanging out with a dear friend of mine who boosts me up but also tells me what i need to hear are highlights. Seems few and far between at times.

Therapy has been going well and i look forward to it every week. I met with her yesterday and she continues to encourage decisions I've made and show me sides of things i refused to acknowledge and to get back to liking me again. I appreciate her more than i could ever express.

I know this blog today is boring but i decided if i forced myself to write then maybe tomorrow will be easier and so forth and i can get back in the swing of things. I'm going to make myself go take some pictures today as well. I think i needed some time off the radar to get things sorted out and get back into the swing of things. Time will tell.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully