Yeah It's A Fight Club Thing

If you don't know, Fight Club is my favorite movie and there's a quote in there that completely resonates with me every time i hear it, which at this point, is well over 200 times. Don't judge me. Anyway it goes like this- "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I was giving you a minute to truly think about what that's saying and the absolute truth behind it. Still thinking? You should be.

Think about your life and how maybe you wanted to change but was there really any push or initiative or reason to if you still had plenty in your life that you loved versus what you regretted or hated about it? I'm guessing, no i know, if you don't think you need to change anything then why do it? If you're thinking about anything right now or you got that bleh feeling reading this then get to changing.

In my life, I've always waited to see if everyone around me would change because who the hell wants to think that it could possibly be yourself that needs changing? I'm going to let you in on a little secret...that quote will have so much more meaning to you if you wait too long and that isn't a good thing.

I have lost so much along the way that it's painful to think about. I've hurt people because since I've been hurt i thought it was justified. I took people for granted. I shut people out. I closed myself off for fear of being hurt that i hurt myself in the long run much more than i ever would have if my actions behind 'I love you' spoke more than those three words ever could.

I feel that in my life, i have lost everything and once i did i was free to start trying to make changes in my life. The joke behind that is i should have never let it get to that point. I agree with the quote for what it's saying but i disagree that changes can't be made before everything is lost. I only figured that out to late. Now i have to sit back and hope that my changes aren't too late. That certain things can be reconciled, that certain sins can be attoned for, that certain pain and wrongs can be forgiven in the long run and the past forgotten or at the very least cease to cause pain.

I know I'm asking for a lot and i probably don't deserve half of what I'm asking for but I'm hoping my actions will finally start speaking louder than my words. I'm hoping my actions start relaying my feelings and that confidence and trust can still be built. Time will tell...i hate that saying but probably because it's the truth and I'm not a patient person. Looks like something else i need to work on.

I'm still struggling with things i myself don't want to forgive or deal with yet and i need to face those things. I need to follow my own advice which is hard to do. Don't wait until you've lost everything before you feel free to do anything. Is a great line in a movie but let it stay there. Don't let it describe your life because I'm telling you, that's a miserable road to travel. Even if you start with the most obvious and go from there it shows effort and i think anyone can appreciate that. At the least you can start appreciating yourself.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully