100 mph With Zero Reason To Look Back

I'm content. I like where I'm at in life. Do you know how long it's been to truly and honestly say that? Me either...guess it's been awhile.

Last Saturday Beacon for Hope held its annual walk and I was the lived experience speaker. I was honored to be asked to speak as well as be on the board. I've talked on the radio with Melissa but i had never faced over 100 people and told my story. It was harder than i thought it would be. It brought up feelings i hadn't faced in awhile. I felt guilty to be alive in front of those who's loved ones are no longer there. I felt proud to hold my head high and be proud of who i am and not embarrassed. It was a good day.

I saw my med guy again and he is amazing. He upped my dosage and i was nervous but honestly i feel great. I thought i already felt great but once again I'm pleasantly surprised. Look at me liking my medication. Not sure that's ever happened.

I go to therapy today and I'm looking forward to seeing Joey. She's awesome at what she does and helps me more than she'll ever take credit for. I think she's helped me become a better person and given me some methods to my madness that keeps me from feeling completely crazy.

I'm single and that's the best place for me to be. I'm actually enjoying being on my own schedule and working thru things without having to worry if I'm bothering someone else. It's allowed me to focus on my medications and moods and if those aren't in check then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway.

So i guess life is good. Is it all rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not but it would be boring if it was. So if you have something bothering you-talk. Talk, talk and talk some more. It really does get easier the more you talk. It has helped me tremendously to realize it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help and to talk. In my opinion it takes a strong person to admit that and i know to those reading these words that you are a strong person so go on and ask, talk, get help so that you can in turn help someone else in their time of need and be with everyone that loves you. Because they do.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Episode

I sit
I think
I hate
I love
None of
Them
Wrong
Maybe some
Of them right
Agree
Disagree
Judge
Accept

Make you
Uncomfortable
Good
Make you think
Make you reflect
Good
Easier to
Explain
Me
Away
So you
Don't look
Inside

I battle
Enough
To concern myself
With
Your baggage
I've checked
My baggage
And can't
Carry anymore
Enough
To last
A
Lifetime

So you deal
With
Yours
And I'll
Continue
To
Carry
Mine
For
Miles
Until a
Lifetime
Is over

Quit Calling It An Episode

Have your feelings ever been explained away or not validated? Ever had a genuine reason to be mad, angry, sad-pretty much any emotion but because you're bipolar it's not valid?

I get this all the time and it frustrates me to no end. Just because I'm bipolar dis not mean that my emotions are invalid and a byproduct of it. I am allowed to cycle my emotions just like you or the next person.

I am a very blunt and honest person and I've come to believe that makes people that aren't that way uncomfortable so it's easier to explain me off than to justify what I'm saying. So though i deal with my burdens i am now expected to take yours on as well. How is that fair?

Don't get me wrong, i have family and friends that allow me to be me but it's the ones that don't that frustrate me. I admit when I'm having an 'episode' for lack of a better word but I'm also human. There's a reason my tag line is I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar. It didn't define me as a person and it sure as hell doesn't define my emotions.

I have learned to reach out when I'm struggling. I have learned that i do have bipolar induced emotions but how unfair to put me in a category that 100% explains me away. If i feel wronged then i will voice it, if I'm sad i will voice it and guys what- has nothing to do with bipolar but everything with being human.

I don't need to be educated in how my behavior effects myself or those around me because i live it everyday. I don't need people that has zero experience being bipolar telling me what I've done wrong but maybe how I've started doing what's right. Criticism can be pretty constructive but also debilitating and counterproductive if not based in concern or for the right reasons.

Ever heard walk a mile in my shoes? Of course you have and until you experience what i do, you can keep your destructive opinions and episode naming to yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or accusatory. Why i even had to put that disclaimer in frustrates me but it's the nature of the beast.

My wish is maybe you'll sore compassion to things you don't understand and make you uncomfortable. My wish is that you'll ask yourself why that makes you uncomfortable. That maybe you'll imagine walking a mile in my shoes. My 'episode' of ranting is done. Singe of you are uncomfortable and thankful and done of you are thankful for me finally voicing my frustration- I'm here for both of you- all i ask is you be here for me as well.

I'M NOT BIPOLAR-I HAVE BIPOLAR
R. M. Sully

Meds Are My Friend

I tell you what, my title says it all. I started these meds a couple of weeks or so ago and i have to admit I'm a huge fan. Yeah you heard me right. I love my meds.

I met with a new guy in Wichita for my medication and he's like a breath of fresh air. He listened to me. Actually listened and cared what i had to say. If i had been on a med and didn't like it, it was of the table. He talked to me not at me and there's a HUGE difference. He took into consideration my concerns or opinions instead of being concerned about how important and smart he is.

So i guess what I'm saying is I'm on my meds and staying on my meds so far. They make me feel leveled out without feeling dumbed down or tired. I am more productive because i actually have an attention span now which is new to me. I still have anxiety at times and get sensory overload which makes me irritable but the good far outweighs the bad.

My niece got married this weekend and the constant here and there wore on me because of it being in Kansas City and having to drive in the traffic so i was stressed every time i got somewhere. I walked out of a store even though i needed the things in my hand just because i felt like everyone was in my personal space and staying at me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that but being at her beautiful wedding was well worth it all.

So all in all I'm a happy man and it took me a long time but I'm finally on the right combination of meds and i feel fantastic!! Life is good and i don't sweat the small stuff and staying positive. What else can i ask for?