So to get the question answered right out of the gate, no I still haven't taken my sleeping pills. Why you ask? Well because this kid is going full blown manic and damn how I've missed it. I've had the warning signs but I've ignored them. No point in having this blog if I'm not going to be honest.
Voices. When they start getting worse I know my brain is going to start hitting overdrive. Don't get me wrong, no sleep isn't helping matters but they seem to talk more when mania is setting in. My name seems to be the favorite topic to yell at me for the time being and man am I enjoying that.
Medication. Should've probably been number one but I didn't want to talk about it but I have to. No I haven't been consistent the last few weeks. Have I stopped altogether um hell no but consistency is just as important. Especially with lithium. My Abilify got screwed up with insurance yada yada and by the time I got it I'm sure it was completely out of my system so I'm having to start over. I'm back on track but in the meantime hello mania.
With the virus going around I came into work with a cough and to me sinus issues but as a precaution I've been quarantined from work until the outcome of my doc appointment this morning. Hoping that turns out being nothing more than the good ol crud but now I've had extra time on my hands to try and not buy stuff. The desire to spend mass amounts of money hasn't plagued me in quite awhile but I really want to make up for lost time.
So with the above being said it may be time to hand my debit card over to Stacy until I am back on the road. I get obsessive. If I buy one travel backpack for my gaming systems then 17 backpacks would obviously be better. Never know when one might need 17 gaming backpacks. Or multiple bottles of the same shower soap. Yes I can only use one at a time but the option to use two or more is definitely something to consider. Or another coffee maker but this one has a carafe as well and looks cool. No mine isn't broken but you're completely missing the point.
On the bright side, I've become obsessed with my credit and getting any little derogatory remarks off. So I guess my point is I don't only engage in harmful or risky behaviors but too much of a good thing....you know the saying. I just want to be able to walk down the middle of the sidewalk instead of one side or the other. It's the extremes that are exhausting. I don't need 10 hours of sleep but more than one would be neat. I don't want to be a tightwad but I don't need to empty my bank account either. I want an amazing credit score but I've got to quit obsessing over it. Happy mediums. I imagine that way if living is neat too.
So I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight. It's going to be a battle and I'm going to go ahead and admit I'll work up a thousand excuses and may or may not act like a 5 year old child when the time comes but I will take one. I'm already getting irritated just thinking about giving up this mania. Which is all I need to know on if I should take a sleeping pill tonight or not. Because once I go full blown there's no turning back until it's run its course and guilt, remorse and embarrassment usually come hang out for awhile afterwards. I think I'll pass.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully aka Ryan Sullivan
No comments:
Post a Comment