So I'm on night three I think it is with 2 hours or less of sleep so I have that going for me. Thing is I don't feel tired or irritated about it. I'm not wishing I was asleep, in fact, quite the contrary. I enjoy the night hours. I mean, I just completely rearranged my apartment and what better time than the midnight hours to get that important piece work done? I have to work today, I know I'm suppose to be off but my boss did me a solid by letting me come in because I missed work due to Ashlyn....GIVING ME MY FIRST GRANDBABY!! I just wish I could get excited about it. But what I was getting at is I won't feel tired at work so I don't feel like it's a big deal. Maybe.
I saw Derek last Friday I think (maybe I do need sleep) and that went well. He started me back on my Abilify as a compliment to my lithium again. Damned ol obsessing, anger, delusional bipolar bullcrap thing I've got going on. Still. Really thought I would be the first person cured of bipolar by now. I'm kind of a big deal damn it. Haven't I told you? Well don't worry, I will. I also do what I want. Stacy hasn't heard either of these statements a billion times before. Million probably but definitely not billion. Yeah so anyway, it went well. I think I'm a looney tune and he helps convince me I'm not every time and when though I joke I'm being serious. It's easy for me to get so frustrated that I begin to believe I'm crazy. That I'm abnormal. That I need to be locked up. Wait not need but will be. And that scares me. He calms me down and puts my mind at ease. I seriously love that guy and I don't think he understands completely how much he's helped me. Best email I ever sent (thanks Mom for telling me that the other day) and this is the best I've ever done with managing my bipolar.
So I've noticed the voices seem to have come back more frequent and for good measure there's a random one that says hi or other one word sayings. Pretty cool when you say hi back to a co-worker just to find out they never said hi in the first place. That's what we call...awwwwwwwkward. I'm repeating words or sounds until my brain says that I'm off the hook. One of my coworkers calls it my alien talk. I guess that's cool that I speak alien but also frustrating at the same time. Anger. Oh that nasty little SOB. Over stupid stuff too. I like to think it's do to a culmination of this going on as I've been listing that gets me frustrated and then turns to anger. I haven't decided but that's what I'm leaving towards. Ok I lied that's what Derek told me but I wanted to sound smart.
So I've listed what's going on and I am frustrated and down right angry at times but have you also read how blessed I am? I'm a papa. I'm a dad. I have an amazing girlfriend. I have great friends like John, Ape and Sarah to name a few. I have an amazing family. I have a job. At said job, I work with the most understanding guys I could ask for. I mean they call it alien talk instead of telling me I'm a freak. My boss has to be the most understanding guy and works with me beyond what any bids should have to. I have Derek to help guide me along this often trying trip called bipolar. I'm a lucky guy.
So when I feel like this thing called bipolar is beating me down and I have nothing, I can go back and read this blog as a reminder of the good things because it's so much easier to focus on the bad sometimes. Or all the time. So I'm sleepless in Salina this week but maybe next week when I'm here I'll be sleeping.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully aka Ryan M Sullivan
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