It’s Not the End of the World

Sometimes or a lot of times things don’t work out in life the way I want them to. The thing about that is, at the time, I think I’ll never get over this or it’s the end of the world. How will I live without so and so in my life or I can’t take this at work anymore or fill in the blank. I’m learning I just need to breathe. 

I say I’m learning I just need to breathe because if I focus on the fact that I’m breathing then I can focus on the fact that it is not the end of the world and I will actually get over this. That one day from now will be less horrible than it was yesterday hopefully. That one week from that will be easier yet. One month. Six months. Eventually I will look back at this end all be all and realize it was temporary even though at the time it felt like a forever. 

Now I can wish things were different but as my dad used to say ‘Wish in one hand and’ well I think you get it. But all the wishing in the world won’t help me realize that I’m missing out on today’s positives if I’m focused on yesterdays problems. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m one that loves to obsess on everything and replay it a million times over while beating myself up for things I can’t change but I’m trying to make a valiant effort at change. 

I’ve learned that part of that change means letting people go not out of spite but out of respect. My wishes don’t supersede their wishes. My wishes don’t mean that I can say what I need to say so I feel

better. Same with work. It’s called work for a reason. It’s not called going to fun. Oh I have to go to pure bliss today. It’s called work. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The goal is to have more good than bad and not focus on only the bad. 

I have dug myself a hole of late that I’ve struggled to climb out of and part of that is my bipolar but some of it is my mindset as well. I can’t dwell on things I can’t change or have no control over except my reactions to them and I can grab a shovel and keep digging that hole deeper or I can figure out a way to get out of this damn hole. I’ve dug a lot of holes in my life and I’ve managed to climb out of every single one of them so I know I can do the same again this time. 

Life will never go the way I try to tell it to all of the time and I need to learn that’s ok because it has proven to me over and over again that what I think is earth shattering today ends up being a memory down the road we call life. A memory that has become a life lesson instead of a devastating end of the road. 

So as Blue October put it best:

I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re good

I hope you get what you wish for

And you’re well understood

 I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

 Ryan M Sullivan 

The Biggest Lie Ever Told

Based off my title I’ll get right to the point. I believe the biggest lie ever told is that there’s someone for everybody. There’s a soulmate just waiting for you out there. To me, that’s the equivalent of a participation ribbon at field day. It’s a feel good statement. Something that someone says to their single friend so they don’t feel bad about themselves. 

Now don’t get the wrong idea because this isn’t a pity party blog. I’m not on my knees in the middle of a rainstorm screaming at the heavens ‘why god why’ dramatically like some crappy Hallmark movie. I’m merely trying to understand how some people are able to find that one person that sticks with them thru thick and thin while others seem destined to walk this earth alone. I think about this a lot. 

On a personal level,I haven’t had a relationship last longer than 4 years and that was my marriage. The rest have been a lot less than that. Now to be brutally honest, I use to be a raging alcoholic and I have since realized that’s not something women are eagerly searching for on the old resume of relationships and I’m bipolar to boot. I’m not saying bipolar people are not worthy of love but I am saying alcoholic ones can be challenging to love. Unmedicated raging alcoholic ones slightly by a lot could possibly be more challenging. 

I grew up with perfect examples of soulmates with my grandparents and my own parents, my brother and Maria so I’m not comparing that term to, let’s say, unicorns or leprechauns but they do seem to hang out in the same places. So again I wonder what separates those from me? I know I’m not the easiest person in the world sometimes but neither was my dad or mom or grandpa or my brother…you get my point. They still have someone that had stuck by their side. 

I’m know it’s a good thing that I’ve moved on from some of my relationships but I feel I had a couple over all these years that I thought was the real deal. I believed it when they said I love you. I believed myself when i said it back. But I sit here single, writing this blog, analyzing why I’m single sitting here writing this blog. I am comfortable being single. I’m comfortable being alone. But I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t want that special someone that complimented me as a person. 

So maybe it’s me? Maybe at the end of the day I need to look in the mirror and keep evaluating my actions and expectations and see if they’re unreasonable. Maybe I’m demanding unicorns and leprechauns when I should be more realistic and look for a human that will make mistakes but on the other hand allow me to make mine as well. That is a very real possibility. I will accept blame where blame is due. I don’t have a problem being honest and critical with myself. Maybe too much so but I’d rather be that way than trying to live up to the fantasy of perfection. That’s the unicorn’s name by the way. 

So anyway, if I’m meant to walk the rest of my days alone in the sense as remaining single then alone I will walk but that means that there’s someone for everyone remains as the biggest lie ever told. I’ll be hanging out with Perfection if anyone needs me. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan

Who Am I

Who am I 

Do I even

Know anymore

I laugh

Wondering

If that’s 

Really my laugh

Or if I’ve 

Faked it so

Long

That

Maybe I

Dont have one

Maybe I

Laugh

To hide

The sadness

Like a secret

Locked away

Scared of

The knowledge 

Behind it

Look away

So you dont

See the tears

Trapped behind eyes

Closed doors

Ona

Darkened room

Trapped

With my truth

With my thoughts 

With myself 

Ive never

Hated a person

So much

I say

Out loud

To the mirror

I repeat

The lies

Ive been told

Ive believed 

Only causing

The resentment 

In myself to grow

Easier to stay

In this darkened 

Room with

The truths 

Of

Myself

Walk over

And lock

The door

Dont open it

Lose the key

Wipe the sweat

As I put

Brick after brick

Instead of 

Drying

Tear

After

Tear

Looking in

The darkest

Of corners

Where

I had to have

Lost myself

My soul

Has no light

To shine

No angel

To serve

As guardian 

Anymore

I see

An outline

Of me

Shell

Of an

Outside

With nothing

On the

Inside

Broken

Tired

Lost 

Empty

One foot

Behind the

Other

Losing progress

Every step

Of the

Way

Cursed

Trapped

With my past

Stuck in

A loop

Of reverse

Smile

It’ll get

Better

Is a smile

Still a smile

If it dies

At your lips

It’s so

Easy 

So maybe

You can carry

This burden

For me

Take the

Weight of

Carrying two

Polars

Take the

Noise of

More than one

Voice in my

Ear

Maybe you

Can battle

If what I see

Is actually real

Time to put

That smile on

Finish zipping

Up

The skin

Of what I’m 

Suppose to

Be

While covering

The uncomfortable 

Truth

Of who i

Actually am