It's 2 something in the morning and I've been
writing/journaling while listening to music and I heard
these lyrics- The thought is unimaginable, that I saw you
for the last time and didn't know. You were the one that I
wasn't suppose to lose…lyrics sung by Three Days
Grace in the song Lifetime. As you know by know, music
is a conduit for all of my emotions. Music is my voice
when I don't have one. Even when I'm minding my own
business like this morning as I was writing away listening
to metal and then life threw this emotional curveball my
way, I suppose, because I was enjoying myself too much.
Now I know I've beat this poor horse to death, buried it,
dug it back up just to beat it again. well, I've given you
a pretty descriptive image as to what I'm getting at but I
can't help it. When I can't get rid of it, I must write about
it.
I struggle when it comes to things I can't comprehend
Things that don't follow logic. I find myself analyzing
the situation over and over and over trying to make it fit
in this box or that category or at the minimum, make
sense. The word forever. The word soulmate. The words I
love you. The only logical conclusion I've come to is the
word bullshit. You can fit that word in all kinds of boxes,
categories, bags and sacks by the truckload. That word
makes sense to me.
Now again, I'm the first person to tell you I'm not
perfect, but I am very honest about my imperfections.
Right out of the gate. I spell out all the things I struggle
with from time to time. How my brain decides to short
out and do its own thing from time to time. By admitting
all these things doesn't mean I'm justifying my actions
when they occur by any means. I hold myself
accountable. And that's what frustrates me because where
is everyone else's accountability?
I know I'm an easy target for being the bad guy. Trust
me, I know. The bad thing about being brutally honest
about myself is that it can be used as a weapon by others.
It can be used as a defense in the court of life. Nothing
easier than using someone's own words against them.
suppose a normal person would quit learning to be so
honest because I've learned that about most people as
well but I can't. I take pride in it. Stupid, huh?
With all of this being said, the one question that
constantly remains is- why am I the only one required to
change? Why must I accept the other person for exactly
who they are or else I'm an asshole but here's a list of
things I need to change and if I could get on that
immediately it would be greatly appreciated? If you
don't, well, I'm going to need that forever back. I guess
we're not soulmates after all. I don't love you anymore.
I've had this with friendships as well. Be who we want
you to be and everything will be fine but you must allow
us to be whatever the hell we want to be, say whatever
we want to say and do whatever we want to do. If you
don't like it, we are allowed to say that's just the way we
are but the way you are sucks so please change that.
Thank you.
This is by no means a pity party because it has taught me
a lot about people. I don't have to understand why things
are the way there are to gain knowledge in the fact that I
don't have to accept why things are the way they are. I've
learned I'm fine having fewer friends. I've learned I'm
fine not having a significant other. I've learned enjoying
my own company far outweighs being around people for
the sake of being around other people. I enjoy being
around my family and a couple of other people and that's
good enough. If I don't have to leave my apartment
outside of going to work or being with said family then I
consider that a win. I don't like people anymore.
Part of me despises the way I analyze and look at some
things in black and white. It would be easier to follow the
herd. To be a faceless person constantly morphing into
what others want me to be. The other part of me is proud
for being true to who I am. For being honest. That I only
have the one face and don't feel the need to carry masks
around with me.
I've learned that honesty will get you nowhere in this
game of life. I've learned that in friendships, relationships
and work. You're a sucker waiting to be taken advantage
of if you have that quality. I've been thrown under many
proverbial busses but I take pride I haven't let it change
the fact that I'm still that sucker in life refusing to shed
that quality. It's easier to avoid those busses being alone
behind a locked door.
I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar
Ryan M Sullivan
