Rantings of A Sucker

​It's 2 something in the morning and I've been

writing/journaling while listening to music and I heard

these lyrics- The thought is unimaginable, that I saw you

for the last time and didn't know. You were the one that I

wasn't suppose to lose…lyrics sung by Three Days

Grace in the song Lifetime. As you know by know, music

is a conduit for all of my emotions. Music is my voice

when I don't have one. Even when I'm minding my own

business like this morning as I was writing away listening

to metal and then life threw this emotional curveball my

way, I suppose, because I was enjoying myself too much.

Now I know I've beat this poor horse to death, buried it,

dug it back up just to beat it again. well, I've given you

a pretty descriptive image as to what I'm getting at but I

can't help it. When I can't get rid of it, I must write about

it.

I struggle when it comes to things I can't comprehend

Things that don't follow logic. I find myself analyzing

the situation over and over and over trying to make it fit

in this box or that category or at the minimum, make

sense. The word forever. The word soulmate. The words I

love you. The only logical conclusion I've come to is the

word bullshit. You can fit that word in all kinds of boxes,

categories, bags and sacks by the truckload. That word

makes sense to me.

Now again, I'm the first person to tell you I'm not

perfect, but I am very honest about my imperfections.

Right out of the gate. I spell out all the things I struggle

with from time to time. How my brain decides to short

out and do its own thing from time to time. By admitting

all these things doesn't mean I'm justifying my actions

when they occur by any means. I hold myself

accountable. And that's what frustrates me because where

is everyone else's accountability?

I know I'm an easy target for being the bad guy. Trust

me, I know. The bad thing about being brutally honest

about myself is that it can be used as a weapon by others.

It can be used as a defense in the court of life. Nothing

easier than using someone's own words against them.

suppose a normal person would quit learning to be so

honest because I've learned that about most people as

well but I can't. I take pride in it. Stupid, huh?

With all of this being said, the one question that

constantly remains is- why am I the only one required to

change? Why must I accept the other person for exactly

who they are or else I'm an asshole but here's a list of

things I need to change and if I could get on that

immediately it would be greatly appreciated? If you

don't, well, I'm going to need that forever back. I guess

we're not soulmates after all. I don't love you anymore.

I've had this with friendships as well. Be who we want

you to be and everything will be fine but you must allow

us to be whatever the hell we want to be, say whatever

we want to say and do whatever we want to do. If you

don't like it, we are allowed to say that's just the way we

are but the way you are sucks so please change that.

Thank you.

This is by no means a pity party because it has taught me

a lot about people. I don't have to understand why things

are the way there are to gain knowledge in the fact that I

don't have to accept why things are the way they are. I've

learned I'm fine having fewer friends. I've learned I'm

fine not having a significant other. I've learned enjoying

my own company far outweighs being around people for

the sake of being around other people. I enjoy being

around my family and a couple of other people and that's

good enough. If I don't have to leave my apartment

outside of going to work or being with said family then I

consider that a win. I don't like people anymore.

Part of me despises the way I analyze and look at some

things in black and white. It would be easier to follow the

herd. To be a faceless person constantly morphing into

what others want me to be. The other part of me is proud

for being true to who I am. For being honest. That I only

have the one face and don't feel the need to carry masks

around with me.

I've learned that honesty will get you nowhere in this

game of life. I've learned that in friendships, relationships

and work. You're a sucker waiting to be taken advantage

of if you have that quality. I've been thrown under many

proverbial busses but I take pride I haven't let it change

the fact that I'm still that sucker in life refusing to shed

that quality. It's easier to avoid those busses being alone

behind a locked door.

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar 

Ryan M Sullivan