Am I Alone or Just Lonely?

​I’ve thought about this quite a few times…am I alone or just lonely? There’s a big difference and here’s what I’ve come up with and I think we’ve all been here at one point or another in our life and if not, then I am envious of your luck. 

I think it is easy to fall into the trap of ‘I’m all alone’. I know I’ve said it before. Or I feel so alone. But if I’m to be honest with myself I’m not. I know I’m not because of that word ‘feel’ before it. I’m feeling feelings that I don’t like to feel so I escalate it to the extreme because now I can try to view it as an absolute instead of an emotion. Bear with me, I’ll try to make sense. 

I know I’m not alone because at any given time I can drive to my mom’s house for a cup of coffee or at the very minimum talk to her on the phone. I can call my kiddos, my brother, Maria, nieces and the couple of people I consider close friends. My point is, that’s not called alone. I am fortunate that I have a very loving and understanding family surrounding me. I am fortunate to have a couple of very dear friends. I am the furthest thing from alone. But you know what I am?

I’m lonely. And not just any kind of lonely if I want to be honest. I’m lonely for the kind of things I see other’s have. Example: I was gone for a conference for three days and I miss that feeling of someone being excited for me to be back. Someone missing my presence for three days. I think my PS5 and Xbox missed me or maybe it was the other way around but that good old fashioned feeling of being wanted, needed, missed. There’s nothing wrong with being single and it’s better than being in a relationship where you still feel lonely but deep down, no matter how much I deny it, I want someone on an emotional level. I want that thing that I see everyone else is lucky enough to have. And the lack of that thing is called loneliness. But I’m not alone. 

I have no idea if I’m making any sense whatsoever and if you’re going what the hell is this guy talking about that’s ok. Because this is my therapy session I’m holding for myself, reminding myself,  that there’s a huge difference between being alone and feeling lonely. 

I have a habit of my brain processing feelings as the end all be all. As extremes. And while I’m being honest, as pity parties. I start turning sometimes into always. I start using the word never. I start feeling sorry for myself because I’m all alone. No I’m not. I feel lonely and that's a valid feeling but feelings are yucky so let’s use a different word. 

So at the end of the day, I can take comfort in the fact that no matter how lonely I feel at times I am still NEVER alone. That’s a powerful thing my friends. Do I want someone special in my life that thinks I’m someone special in their life? I’d be a liar if I said anything but yes. Will it happen? I mean have you seen this sexy beard and dad bod thing I have going on? Who knows but I do have the guarantee of never ever being alone. And that’s priceless. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M. Sullivan