We’ve been taught that life is at its fullest when we’re surrounded by friends and have that one special person by our side that we can spend our life with. But the lessons I’ve learned from those teachings are that everyone cares about their own happiness and as long as you conform to whatever makes them happy 100% of the time then you are worthy, your friendship is cherished and you’ll be loved to the moon and back forever and a day. Now let that not be the case, their eternal 100% happiness, then you are belittled, not given a second thought and dragged to the curb like yesterday’s trash. And heaven help you if you stand up for yourself and say you don’t want to be treated like the way they say they don’t want to be treated either. Oops I made the mistake of being concerned about my own well-being. I need to think about what I’ve done and probably apologize as well.
If I sound bitter then you’re reading this right because I am. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t want to try to understand people anymore. There’s no give and take, no working on anything anymore, no meaning to words or promises or integrity or honesty. It’s all about instant gratification. It’s about being a friend only if they get what they want. I know what you’ve been saying you want in a friendship Ryan but that’s your problem. Your wishes will be discarded because, well, we don’t care.
Relationships are no different. It’s I’ll tell you what you want to hear if it means I get what I want. Then when I don’t need that from you anymore, no big deal, I’ll throw you away and go get it from someone else. But while we’re together, all my past traumas are valid, I have every right to make you pay for them and you’d better be 100% supportive of my needs and wants. I deserve to do whatever I want because I haven’t been able to for the last x amount of years. I know that’s thru choices of my own but I still need you to bear that cross Ryan because, well, no one else will. I need you to be perfect at all times because if you aren’t then I’m leaving. So it looks like I’ll be leaving, sorry about the whole forever part not working out…byeeeee.
So here comes the mental illness part. I’ve had it shoved down my throat that medication is what’s best for ME. RYAN will feel better if I’M medicated. Bullshit. I’m better for those around me if I’m medicated. I don’t speak my feelings as much when I’m medicated. I don’t get angry at legitimate things that would make anyone angry if I’m medicated. I don’t stick up for myself as much if I’m medicated. So once again I’m to do what’s best for others. I have constantly said I hate my meds but that never matters because it’s always followed up with the whole that’s what’s best for you Ryan. Is it though? Is it honestly what’s best for me or is it what’s best for you?
The way I look at it, I’ve pretty much cut everyone out of my life at this point besides family and maybe a couple of people so nobody really has to worry about their rules for me anymore. Or their expectations. They can all pretty much continue worrying about themselves. I know this isn’t all upbeat and positive but I don’t care. Neither is the reality of life. Blame it on my meds if that makes you feel better. I have learned that if I have nobody in my life then nobody can hurt me. There’s a look at my reality, and honestly, I am perfectly fine with it. I no more owe an explanation for my choices for my life than the next person. When I hear someone give their opinion or have a legitimate reason to be upset, never once have I walked up to them and said ‘Hey are you supposed to be on medication, and if so, are you taking them?’
So take this post with a grain of salt. Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t. This is genuinely how I feel about everything right now and putting it into words is what helps me. This is my therapy. Because that’s what I need to feel better and what I need is now my priority.
I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar
Ryan M Sullivan
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