Being Manic is Ok, Right?

 I got a couple of hours of sleep and then bounced out of bed with a ton of energy and a million ideas. I know I'm going manic because I've been here a thousand times and it's been trying to take control the past couple of days. All the signs are there and I don't ignore them anymore. Instead, I thought I would use this as an opportunity to let you in on what I experience. Maybe it will help someone along the way.

The first sign for me is my speech. I can't talk fast enough. I have so many ideas and thoughts whirling thru my head like a tornado of incoherency and lucidity fighting for control that i need to get it out as fast as I can before I forget everything I wanted to say. It's hard to sit idle during conversations because I just want to talk. And talk. And talk. You don't need to because I have it under control.

Next comes impulse control. That ranges from saying things nobody should ever say in private let alone public. It kind of ties in with the whole speech thing. It becomes a thought straight to verbal before my brain can yell "Nope. Don't say that. Ever." The really dangerous thing about lack of impulse control is spending money. I want to buy everything my heart has ever desired and then everything it has never desired. I start looking at the dumbest shit on Amazon. You never know when you'll need an office sized L shaped computer and writing desk in the living room of your apartment even though you already own a perfectly fine writing desk. But isn't L shaped and it wont take up your entire living room so is it really that fine? I can only wear one watch band at a time but owning 15 is better. 6 TB of storage for the PS5 is amazing but so is a 12. I need a different soap for every day of the month so i always smell fresh with matching underarm deodorant. My buddy just bought a desktop gaming PC and I know I just got a really nice gaming laptop a few weeks ago but it would look better sitting next to a desktop. Because I can only use one at a time doesn't figure into the equation. Luckily, I have bought none of these but they're sitting in my 'save for later' in my Amazon account. We'll get to that in a minute.

Irritability and grandiose ideas. I love being manic because of all these brilliant ideas I have (can't you tell so far?) and when I'm hyper-focused on something I find important it irritates me that you don't find it as important. When I vocalize the grandest idea in human existence, I struggle with the fact that you are too lucid to understand the importance of what I'm saying. Why must you speak common sense to the amazing Ryan Sullivan when I've just told you I am going to be a best selling author that's never written a book? No I have not ever directed a movie but mine will be a blockbuster so why do you keep asking stupid questions? I love my job so I should quit. I just asked that question 3.2 seconds ago but you haven't answered yet so screw you. I think you get the idea.

The good thing about dealing with bipolar for the past 30 years give or take is I've become pretty self-aware. I watch for my own red flags. The warning signs. So when I say I put all that stuff in my 'save for later' list on Amazon it's because I have taught myself that putting it there is just as satisfying as actually purchasing them. Plus it's a good laugh when I come off my mania to look at all the crazy stuff I put in there. I have learned to listen to myself talk and at what speed so I know mania is a coming. I gauge my irritability against would that irritate anyone or just Manic Ryan. I have spent many times broke as a joke because of mania. I have embarrassed myself with the claims of fame during mania. I have hurt feelings and destroyed relationships because of mania.

Mania is always described as almost euphoric and trust me it can be. But that only applies to me and I forget that sometimes. So when my level isn't matched I actually wonder what your problem is while you're wondering what the hell my problem is. Luckily those close to me have learned this is as much a part of me as my beard was until I had to shave it off because I wasn't patient enough to wait for Joe to make it look amazing as always. I really am fortunate. Not everyone is.

So what I'm saying is I'm not asking for a free pass to act however I want but maybe a little slack here and there isn't too much to ask. On the flip side, holding me accountable with kindness is a must because I refuse to use my bipolar as an excuse to not be a good person. So I'm going to fake shop, not start my best selling novel while not directing a blockbuster and have speed conversations with myself until it's time to go to work. I know this about myself. I'm proud of myself for knowing this about myself and for fighting like hell with Manic Ryan to not destroy everything he's worked hard to obtain. So I'll wait patiently to take my meds, shower and go to work because I've been blessed with another day-bipolar and all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

I'm Useless But Not For Long

 Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz popped up on my playlist while at work and the chorus really made reflect for a minute or twelve. It goes like this: I ain't happy, I'm feelin glad. I got sunshine in a bag. I'm useless but not for long the future is comin' on. I really listened to this song I've heard a thousand times and I thought if that doesn't nail the essence of bipolar, then I don't know what does.

The biggest battle I face with my bipolar is the ups and downs. Sometimes within a short period of time. I can be fighting mad and then snap out of it and go "No big deal". I can be sad, deeply, with a what's the point attitude and then start thinking about how things will get better. I can say never while doing the thing I said never to. Saying I'm not going to do something but make plans to do it while also saying I'll do something but make plans not to do it. My family, friends and exes absolutely love this about me. I'm kidding. They hate it. A lot. I don't blame this but what they always forgot was I do too. I hate that my brain shorts out and I can promise I hate it more than they ever could.

The thing with bipolar is, I not only have to worry about what I'm doing and saying. I have to worry about what others are saying and doing. That whole don't worry about what others think only goes so far and applies only to people we don't love or care about. You see, a lot of the times while I'm short-circuiting, I'm in the back of my head saying STOP!! DON'T SAY THAT!! DON'T DO THAT!! I'm not the best person but I do not take joy in being mean or impossible to people I love. Not that I enjoy it otherwise but you know what I'm saying. The problem is I can't always stop everything I do or say but I can sure regret it later.

I have said horrible things to my mom, brother, soulmate, exes, friends. I am very fortunate to have the family that I do because they have never turned their back on me when I can't say the same about them. My brain has made up things that never happened but I could pass a lie detector saying they have. They patiently waited for me to come to terms with the fact they wouldn't lie to me and never made me feel stupid for what happened. I've said mean things to all of them but I'm proud to say the majority are still along for the ride on this bipolar roller coaster of a ride.

The things I have said and done keep me up at night. I've noticed a difference since being back on my meds but I know I'll still get manic which I love and get depressed which I hate. I know I'll try to convince myself I'm cured again. I promised Stacy when we were dating I wouldn't get off of them and I did. I consider her my soulmate and still I quit my meds. I've told mom never again. I've done it again. My point is I always have the best of intentions. I also know what the road to hell is paved with. If I could apologize 1000 times to make it better then I'd apologize 10,000 times to put things back the way they were before I messed up. I can only look forward but I seem to trip while looking over my shoulder. I'm still working on that.

So there's still times I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad. I'll have that sunshine in a bag. I'll feel useless but not for long-the future is coming on.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Million and One Times Is the Charm

​I know you all will find this incredibly hard to believe but I got off my meds again. For quite awhile. Because I am the walking definition of insanity and I swear each time the results will be different. They weren’t in case you were wondering. 

This round was a mixture of reasons and chaos but the end result was the same. I work a lot of hours at my job plus I’m on call half of the month so I get nothing resembling regular hours or sleep. I went thru a relationship ending. I can try to act manly and say it didn’t bother me but it did. I believed the whole soulmate forever BS and I have nobody to blame but myself but that doesn’t take away the hurt. Words are cheap but can cut like a knife. So I really became a recluse. Nobody is going to ever hurt me again and if I’m by myself are my meds really that important?

The thing I didn’t take into account is I can shut everyone out and lock the door but I can’t escape myself. I can’t leave my bipolar on the outside of that locked door. Let me tell you, I can be horrible company to myself sometimes. I enjoy setting up a screen and playing home movies of my thoughts. I can tell myself I’ve already seen this and it sucks so I don’t really want to relive it but I remind myself that’s the only way I’ll learn is to obsess on it and break it down, decipher every word and action so that I won’t make the same mistake again. Relive the pain so I can embrace it and become numb to it. Relive the anger so I can perfect it. Remember being taken advantage of, used, overworked, unappreciated so that it will eventually roll off of me. On the flip side, if I replay all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, all the hurt I’ve inflicted over the years, if I punish myself enough then maybe I will atone for my sins. 

I can tell you all of that hasn’t become productive. Sitting in the past watching rerun after rerun hasn’t changed the outcome. It has led to lost time of doing things I enjoy. It has left me going to bed feeling lost and waking up to wondering what the point of being alive is. Why was I put here? To be an example of what nobody should ever be? It’s hard to write these things but that’s what it took for me to take action. When I’m writing things like this in my journal, I knew, no matter how much I don’t want it to be true, that I absolutely can not do this on my own. That’s what I really struggle with at the end of the day. I can’t do this on my own. I have to swallow pills to make all the bad parts of bipolar go away.

I had to admit to myself I am a hypocrite. I say this because the first thing I tell someone else that tells me about their struggles is there is not a damn thing wrong with taking your medication. That it takes a stronger person to admit they need help no matter the form, whether it’s meds, therapy or both. So who am I to not follow my own words of advice? 

So for the millionth and first time I have started my medication again. I’m back on lithium. I’m taking Abilify. I had an honest conversation with my doctor yesterday and will be seeing a psychiatrist again. I’m actively looking for a local therapist. Because I came to myself with my struggles and told myself there is not a damn thing wrong with taking my medication. That it takes a stronger person to admit I need help. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan