I know you all will find this incredibly hard to believe but I got off my meds again. For quite awhile. Because I am the walking definition of insanity and I swear each time the results will be different. They weren’t in case you were wondering.
This round was a mixture of reasons and chaos but the end result was the same. I work a lot of hours at my job plus I’m on call half of the month so I get nothing resembling regular hours or sleep. I went thru a relationship ending. I can try to act manly and say it didn’t bother me but it did. I believed the whole soulmate forever BS and I have nobody to blame but myself but that doesn’t take away the hurt. Words are cheap but can cut like a knife. So I really became a recluse. Nobody is going to ever hurt me again and if I’m by myself are my meds really that important?
The thing I didn’t take into account is I can shut everyone out and lock the door but I can’t escape myself. I can’t leave my bipolar on the outside of that locked door. Let me tell you, I can be horrible company to myself sometimes. I enjoy setting up a screen and playing home movies of my thoughts. I can tell myself I’ve already seen this and it sucks so I don’t really want to relive it but I remind myself that’s the only way I’ll learn is to obsess on it and break it down, decipher every word and action so that I won’t make the same mistake again. Relive the pain so I can embrace it and become numb to it. Relive the anger so I can perfect it. Remember being taken advantage of, used, overworked, unappreciated so that it will eventually roll off of me. On the flip side, if I replay all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, all the hurt I’ve inflicted over the years, if I punish myself enough then maybe I will atone for my sins.
I can tell you all of that hasn’t become productive. Sitting in the past watching rerun after rerun hasn’t changed the outcome. It has led to lost time of doing things I enjoy. It has left me going to bed feeling lost and waking up to wondering what the point of being alive is. Why was I put here? To be an example of what nobody should ever be? It’s hard to write these things but that’s what it took for me to take action. When I’m writing things like this in my journal, I knew, no matter how much I don’t want it to be true, that I absolutely can not do this on my own. That’s what I really struggle with at the end of the day. I can’t do this on my own. I have to swallow pills to make all the bad parts of bipolar go away.
I had to admit to myself I am a hypocrite. I say this because the first thing I tell someone else that tells me about their struggles is there is not a damn thing wrong with taking your medication. That it takes a stronger person to admit they need help no matter the form, whether it’s meds, therapy or both. So who am I to not follow my own words of advice?
So for the millionth and first time I have started my medication again. I’m back on lithium. I’m taking Abilify. I had an honest conversation with my doctor yesterday and will be seeing a psychiatrist again. I’m actively looking for a local therapist. Because I came to myself with my struggles and told myself there is not a damn thing wrong with taking my medication. That it takes a stronger person to admit I need help.
I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar
Ryan M Sullivan
No comments:
Post a Comment