Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz popped up on my playlist while at work and the chorus really made reflect for a minute or twelve. It goes like this: I ain't happy, I'm feelin glad. I got sunshine in a bag. I'm useless but not for long the future is comin' on. I really listened to this song I've heard a thousand times and I thought if that doesn't nail the essence of bipolar, then I don't know what does.
The biggest battle I face with my bipolar is the ups and downs. Sometimes within a short period of time. I can be fighting mad and then snap out of it and go "No big deal". I can be sad, deeply, with a what's the point attitude and then start thinking about how things will get better. I can say never while doing the thing I said never to. Saying I'm not going to do something but make plans to do it while also saying I'll do something but make plans not to do it. My family, friends and exes absolutely love this about me. I'm kidding. They hate it. A lot. I don't blame this but what they always forgot was I do too. I hate that my brain shorts out and I can promise I hate it more than they ever could.
The thing with bipolar is, I not only have to worry about what I'm doing and saying. I have to worry about what others are saying and doing. That whole don't worry about what others think only goes so far and applies only to people we don't love or care about. You see, a lot of the times while I'm short-circuiting, I'm in the back of my head saying STOP!! DON'T SAY THAT!! DON'T DO THAT!! I'm not the best person but I do not take joy in being mean or impossible to people I love. Not that I enjoy it otherwise but you know what I'm saying. The problem is I can't always stop everything I do or say but I can sure regret it later.
I have said horrible things to my mom, brother, soulmate, exes, friends. I am very fortunate to have the family that I do because they have never turned their back on me when I can't say the same about them. My brain has made up things that never happened but I could pass a lie detector saying they have. They patiently waited for me to come to terms with the fact they wouldn't lie to me and never made me feel stupid for what happened. I've said mean things to all of them but I'm proud to say the majority are still along for the ride on this bipolar roller coaster of a ride.
The things I have said and done keep me up at night. I've noticed a difference since being back on my meds but I know I'll still get manic which I love and get depressed which I hate. I know I'll try to convince myself I'm cured again. I promised Stacy when we were dating I wouldn't get off of them and I did. I consider her my soulmate and still I quit my meds. I've told mom never again. I've done it again. My point is I always have the best of intentions. I also know what the road to hell is paved with. If I could apologize 1000 times to make it better then I'd apologize 10,000 times to put things back the way they were before I messed up. I can only look forward but I seem to trip while looking over my shoulder. I'm still working on that.
So there's still times I ain't happy but I'm feeling glad. I'll have that sunshine in a bag. I'll feel useless but not for long-the future is coming on.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
Ryan M Sullivan
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