I'm Angry That I'm Angry

I went to sleep with this on my mind and woke up with it on my mind so time to vomit this out of my head. You're welcome.

I've really been working on my temper as it can be quite explosive and juvenile in nature but it's hard not to get frustrated and the damage it's cost in the past and to not obsess over it. Here's some examples:

I love my family. My brother is one of my best friends but I've treated him horribly at times. I have called him and said inexcusable things in drunken rages, I've publicly bashed him on social media and I've turned my back on him for long stretches yet everytime I'm forgiven by him. My sister-in-law who i call 'sis' forgives me. My nieces forgive me. I'm not angry that they all forgive me, trust me. What gets me is would i do the same over and over and over for them?

Elvis and I had been best friends since middle school. Had each other's back thru first loves, heartbreaks, thick and thin but i have this problem called anger that that has put such a divide between us that we haven't talked in over 5 years. I was the best man at his wedding. His wife Jill has done nothing but loved me and i returned their favor with voiced opinions of hate and anger. Yes i have bipolar but i refuse to use that as a crutch to beat people down with so why do i do this? Elvis isn't sure we can work this out because what if i do it again? Sadly he has a valid point.

So I'm angry that i get so angry. My friend John pushes me to be a better person and i think his philosophy has helped me tremendously and that's that today I'm going to be a better person. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or next month....today i choose to be a better person. A year from today can i look back and be proud of the man i was today? I sure hope so. Because I'm looking back a year ago from today and I'm not sure i can be proud of that man.

It boils down to I'm in control of my actions for once. Now I've always been responsible for my actions but there's a big difference from the two. I am finally controlling my actions-I'm not doing what feels good which is lashing out and pushing away and acting like a child...I'm actually acting like a man (most of the time) and controlling how i react which is a lot harder but surprisingly less damaging in the long run.

I end with we all have something we need to work on and we can make excuses or keep doing what we're doing, which lets face it, is the easy way out or we can make changes and in the end get a sense of accomplishment out of doing the hard thing. A year from today, will you be able to look back and be proud of the person you were today? Only you can decide how you'll be able to answer that question.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully