I've Lost Me: Please Leave A Message

What a year it's been. A lot of good and some bad and when it's good, it's really good. The downside to that is when it's been bad, it's been really bad. I've lost myself somewhere along the way, or I should say, I've lost my edge, my solid ground, my stability mentally. I've shut down and I'm on cruise control. It's still moving so good enough, right?

Start with the good or do I get the bad off my chest? I always try to stay positive on here but sometimes that's easier said than done. Let's start with the bad. What's the worst that could happen? Let's find out...

I quit taking my meds. Like a while ago. Ok like a long time ago. I was cured so what do you want from me?! Then I needed to be able to go without sleep and to have bipolar brain so I could multitask and it just kept snowballing until it was moving too fast to stop and the inevitable happened and I crashed and burned. And I did it at work. That's always fun and neat and super comfortable for everyone involved. I had a panic attack. All the noises became magnified and the sweat started along with the tight chest. My vision tunneled and then the anger started because dealing with the true emotion is stupid so getting angry helps everything always. I ended up in the bathroom on the phone with my wife (yes I got married and yes we'll get to that later) telling her I was going to quit because all I cared about was escaping. I needed to run and I wasn't sure where I just knew it would get me away from there. She told me to go talk to my Supervisor who is like a sister to me and that she would understand. I don't have her permission to use her name so I won't but she is an amazing person and a great friend. Speaking of amazing, Tabbee got me calmed down and off I went. I walked in the door to let S know I was leaving and next thing I know I was crying. Yay. Loved that in so many ways said me never.

The problem I have is I listen to peoples worst day ever every time I work. Death hangs out and monitors the phones ready to interject at a moments notice. Even as a trainee, he whispers in my ear that I can make this a relatable moment and if I would only put myself in the caller's shoes then surely I'll hear my mom's voice if I concentrate hard enough or I'll hear the click of the gun that took my buddy way too soon or the tears of the mom, sister, brother, son, parent, child will wash away the guilt I feel for being glad I'm alive when someone else is not. I am seeing the deceased when I'm not at work and I can hear their voices and all I can do is answer not caring what strangers think but hoping they can hear me and that's a comfort for them. I've lost me. Please leave a message and I'm hoping to get back with you shortly.

So I got married and I love being a husband. She helps me more than anyone could. She has helped me get back on my meds and been supportive with all of this. I can be honest with her about everything and that's refreshing. She didn't look at me crazy when I told her I've been hearing and seeing Justin. She's never made me feel stupid for who or what I am. That's huge. That's love. That's til death do us part.

I'm not sure I'm the super low % of people that can do this job. I do know that I respect and love my coworkers. I can say they never get the recognition they deserve or have earned. I can say that not everyone can do what they do-being a superhero isn't for everyone. I think I'm proof of that. And that's ok.

I'm going to be ok. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow but I will be. I've made it 47 years and I plan on sticking around for more so here's to round whatever the hell it is of starting meds again and finding myself. Thanks for letting me vent and I'll try to write more often. I appreciate each and every one of you...don't forget 988 if you're needing help and 911 is always there for you as well. Either way, there's a superhero on the other end waiting to help.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

I'm Sorry But Which Ryan Am I Speaking With?

I'm still here. I've wanted to write but haven't had the ability to it seems. I've had the want and the topics and the desire but have lacked in the area of acting upon it. I've been struggling a bit. Not all at once but the small pieces seem to come together like a puzzle in the end to create one big masterpiece of chaos. Nothing you'd enjoy to hang on your wall I'm afraid. 

I haven't been journaling until recently either and I know that doesn't help. Getting my thoughts on paper has always been a release for me but not taking the avenues that lead to stability have been a hindrance as well in my dealings with bipolar. I'm feeling good so why maintain a routine that got me there?

As I write this I just want to delete it. I feel like I'm rambling as a thousand strands of thought race thru my mind every second. I'm struggling to stay on track. I missed my med appointment with Derek and every time I call I get the secretary's voicemail. Do I leave a voicemail? Of course not because it infuriates me I'm getting voicemail instead of a human. So much better not to have an appointment than to leave what I want on a machine. Right? That's the proper way to handle that situation isn't it? I mean it leads to me rambling on my blog and feeling like I or someone anyway wants to crawl out of my skin so good job Ryan. Whichever Ryan that happens to be.

I know everything I'm going thru right now is part of my bipolar. Even on medication. That's what's frustrating is I demand perfection. I take my meds so why do I still get the bad parts? I mean the pills mean a 100% promise that I won't have to still be bipolar, right? That I won't have days I have to struggle or hate everything for no reason or want to quit my job and go live in the woods and disappear. I won't struggle with the paranoia or voices or all the other "crazy" shit I've tried to hide or be embarrassed of in the past. 

I always try to remain positive as I've come too far in the past year and a half or so to give up. I thought about it last night as I sat down at a bar and decided pills for me use to come in the form of a pint. I wanted to drink a lot of those pills but instead I got up and left. I made the choice to get up, walk out the door and go home. I did that. Me. Instead I made a delicious stew and went to bed. So as my title asks which Ryan am I speaking with it's honestly hard to tell sometimes but that's the Ryan that is serious about controlling his bipolar and not taking the easy way out. It's easy to get drunk and get some short-lived relief but dealing with the aftermath lasts so much longer. So I'm going to struggle until it gets better and hate every minute of it but at least guilt isn't part of that struggle this morning. 

So I'm going to call Derek's office and leave a voicemail. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully

It Only Took 42 Years

Damn it's been awhile but I've been itching to write so here I am again. There's been quite a bit that's gone on in the past few months so let's get started.

My job transferred me to Salina for the next year and a half or so and I've been here since July 1. Maybe not a big deal to some but this is the first time I've lived outside Emporia where I grew up since I was 2. Freaks me the hell out sometimes I must admit but I have enjoyed the different variety of restaurants and things to do here. I actually really like Salina. So much that I've got an apartment now here as well as Emporia. Not bad for a guy that was fine never leaving Emporia. My mom and Stacy helped me move in so that helped tremendously.

Did I mention Stacy? Oh my I guess I did. That would happen to be my girlfriend. At 42 if feels weird using the word girlfriend as if I'm talking to my buddies in the locker banks in high school pointing out the chick I'm dating. Yeah bro that's my girlfriend. So are you going to the dance Friday night? Yeah me either. So anyway, yeah, that's what she is-my girlfriend.

I was explaining to my mom how I felt about her and here's the best way I could describe it: she's my magnet. I said do you know how it is when you've lost a puzzle piece and your searching for it and then when you find it everything feels complete? Stacy was my lost puzzle piece and now my life is complete. It's a great feeling.

She's an amazing person. Patient, kind, selfless. I could go on and on but you get the point. She is everything I've wanted but thought I would never have. Didn't deserve. She's convinced me otherwise. She helps me more than I could ever reciprocate I'm sure but I'm forever grateful.

I have a med appointment today. I'm frustrated and hopefully that gets fixed by talking with Derek. Lithium is still doing me good but my sleep or lack of it is back. Other things are back. I've handled some last minute changes the past week better than I ever have in my life but it's the other stuff that's hard to deal with. Paranoia. Voices. Obsessing. Drives me crazy and I hate being like this and it starts bringing me down. Derek will help me.

I try to stay positive and I have a lot of positives in my life. I got to see all three of my wonderful kiddos Friday and I saw Justin Furstenfeld do his Open Book tour. In time I hope to meet Stacy's kids in person. They seem like great kids and I know they make Stacy proud so it'll be my pleasure to meet them.

So it only took 42 years but I have a job I absolutely love, my magnet I absolutely love, my family whose love has no bottom to it including my amazing children who all happen to be adults now and Derek. Life is good on all levels and I'm not sure I've had the pleasure of saying that about myself. It's about time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Irregularities, Irritability and Irrational Behavior Equals Progress

Yeah I know, the title doesn't make sense on how all of that equals progress but in my world of bipolar it makes perfect sense so I'm going to break it down one time (couldn't resist) and explain.

How's everybody been? It's almost there months to the day since my last blog but like I've said before, I don't write for the sake of pumping something out just so I can have a post or get likes on social media. I take this blog very serious so I write when I have something serious to talk about and I use this as a form of therapy for myself. If I write just for the sake of writing then I'm not doing myself any favors. I'll try to be more consistent but once again I promise nothing.

So irregularities. Oh boy has that been an issue which also ties into the irritability but we'll get there. Anyone that really knows me, I am a schedule/time oriented person. If something starts at 9 and I don't get there by 8:45 then I'm late. I won't go watch a movie if the previews have already started. I have routines. I don't like my routines messed with. I have certain days I do certain things and I can't relax if they don't go the way they're suppose to. I sit and stew on the fact that I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing instead of what I'm actually doing.

So in walks irritability. I get irritable. Very irritable. Too much sensory or extracurricular activities start going on then it stresses me and stress turns to anger. Change is not a good thing with me no what the saying says about it being otherwise. I do this and then I do this and then I do this. I don't have time for the thats. I start shutting down and then I disappear. I hide from the outside world while trying to get my shit together. I'm perfectly fine not leaving my house for the entire weekend.

Irrational behavior doesn't always mean I'm flipping the f out. It may mean I decided to drink a beer after not having one for a month. I may not respond to texts or phone calls. I may go to Walmart so I can buy some thing I've decided I needed on a whim or order something on Amazon because it makes me feel better. It may mean I flip the f out.

So I've covered all the bases and I'm sure your confused on how this equals progress. Well let me clarify. I use to look at all of these as a negative thing. I would chastise myself for alerting myself to behave in these ways. Then I started looking at it in a positive light. You know why I react in these ways? Because I have allowed myself to get out of my comfort zone. I have had my routine or schedule get changed but I still went along with it. Yeah it made me irritable or maybe irrational but only because I didn't completely shut down and refuse to go along with it. I'm starting to have more irregularities in my life because I'm allowing there to be irregularities in my life.

I'm losing my therapist for three months because she's having a baby. She told me she feels perfectly fine with that face because she knows I'm in a good place and I can do it. She couldn't have said that 6 months ago. I worked over three hours away for the last week in a town I know nothing about and I did it. I went to a beard competition and competed in front of people last month. Even met and talked to a great group of people that I had never met before in my life. Many more examples of changes I have made but my point is I'm making changes. I'm not letting my bipolar constantly dictate if I'm going to have fun or not. I don't let it constantly dictate that I'm not going to leave my place for an entire weekend. I'm no longer letting it constantly dictate me.

So I may have some irregularities and get irritable and have some some Irrational behaviours from time to time but that just tells me it's equaling progress.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Being Stubborn Isn't Helping

So I went to Wichita yesterday and saw Derek. I've been having problems with paranoia and auditory. Anger. I was actually responsible when these things started getting out of control again and got ahold of him.

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me. When these things amp up my number one go to is alcohol. I still convince myself that it's better than what any meds can do at the time because I can get that numbing, brain-slowing affect pretty quick. So I get to that desired level but then alcoholic Ryan steps in says he'll take it from here and then I'm flat wasted. It's no longer therapeutic. Quite the opposite.

So I talked with Derek yesterday and had told him previously under zero circumstances ever will I take lithium again. Screw the lab work and the tweaking of levels until I'm stable. Blah blah blah never say never, right? You think I'd now that by now. So I'm back on lithium after years and years of not being on it. It's the best medication that ever worked for me.

And there is the insanity of a sane situation. I just said it's the best medication that has ever worked for me yet I refused to go back on it. Because I don't like spending 5 minutes getting my lab work done. And to be real honest, I know that under no circumstances can I drink while taking it. Oh it says you can have a couple drinks or in moderation as long as you maintain hydration. What in the hell is moderation? This is why I say that I can't drink while taking it. I don't know moderation and I won't stop after a couple. It's easy to go toxic with lithium mixed with alcohol.

So I'm excited to be on something that I know without a doubt works for me but nervous and maybe even a little irritated that the alcohol stopped once I took my first dose last night. It's hard to completely give up something that has been a somewhat constant in your life. It's scary. I struggle with my alcoholism. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute.

So I'm asking for help. I'm asking for your prayers, encouragement, thoughts, accountability. I'm going to tell all the girls at the pub I love going to that under no circumstances am I to be served. That's embarrassing to have to do that but if I leave myself an out I'll take it. They are all amazing people and I know they'll help me however they can. I know you're thinking well he'll just go somewhere else. I don't feel comfortable other places. If I don't go there, then I drank at home. That's the biggest struggle I'm going to face. I can tell myself all kinds of things from I'm a grown man and can drink if I want to, that bonfires burn brighter with a beer in your hand, that people think I'm-that I think I'm more social and fun to be around. That alcohol actually improves my state of mind and bipolar. That it fixes my problems.

So I've got to unconvince myself of these things and realize they couldn't be farther from the truth. I need to remind myself of the nights in jail, thousands spent on fines, relationships lost, pain and anguish I've put friends and family thru. And that it's not going to make my bipolar go away. It's not medication. It's counterproductive. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing.

So I say being stubborn isn't helping but that may not be the truth. Because my stubbornness at doing something that seems impossible may just be the motivation that keeps this ball rolling. Telling myself I can't make it today will make me stubborn enough to do it for a week. Then a month. Then a year.

So please help me out. I've got two doses of lithium under my belt and that's two more than I had this time yesterday. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I keep saying I want to get better so my actions need to reflect that as well. Woke up sober this morning so I'm off to a good start.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully