I've Lost Me: Please Leave A Message

What a year it's been. A lot of good and some bad and when it's good, it's really good. The downside to that is when it's been bad, it's been really bad. I've lost myself somewhere along the way, or I should say, I've lost my edge, my solid ground, my stability mentally. I've shut down and I'm on cruise control. It's still moving so good enough, right?

Start with the good or do I get the bad off my chest? I always try to stay positive on here but sometimes that's easier said than done. Let's start with the bad. What's the worst that could happen? Let's find out...

I quit taking my meds. Like a while ago. Ok like a long time ago. I was cured so what do you want from me?! Then I needed to be able to go without sleep and to have bipolar brain so I could multitask and it just kept snowballing until it was moving too fast to stop and the inevitable happened and I crashed and burned. And I did it at work. That's always fun and neat and super comfortable for everyone involved. I had a panic attack. All the noises became magnified and the sweat started along with the tight chest. My vision tunneled and then the anger started because dealing with the true emotion is stupid so getting angry helps everything always. I ended up in the bathroom on the phone with my wife (yes I got married and yes we'll get to that later) telling her I was going to quit because all I cared about was escaping. I needed to run and I wasn't sure where I just knew it would get me away from there. She told me to go talk to my Supervisor who is like a sister to me and that she would understand. I don't have her permission to use her name so I won't but she is an amazing person and a great friend. Speaking of amazing, Tabbee got me calmed down and off I went. I walked in the door to let S know I was leaving and next thing I know I was crying. Yay. Loved that in so many ways said me never.

The problem I have is I listen to peoples worst day ever every time I work. Death hangs out and monitors the phones ready to interject at a moments notice. Even as a trainee, he whispers in my ear that I can make this a relatable moment and if I would only put myself in the caller's shoes then surely I'll hear my mom's voice if I concentrate hard enough or I'll hear the click of the gun that took my buddy way too soon or the tears of the mom, sister, brother, son, parent, child will wash away the guilt I feel for being glad I'm alive when someone else is not. I am seeing the deceased when I'm not at work and I can hear their voices and all I can do is answer not caring what strangers think but hoping they can hear me and that's a comfort for them. I've lost me. Please leave a message and I'm hoping to get back with you shortly.

So I got married and I love being a husband. She helps me more than anyone could. She has helped me get back on my meds and been supportive with all of this. I can be honest with her about everything and that's refreshing. She didn't look at me crazy when I told her I've been hearing and seeing Justin. She's never made me feel stupid for who or what I am. That's huge. That's love. That's til death do us part.

I'm not sure I'm the super low % of people that can do this job. I do know that I respect and love my coworkers. I can say they never get the recognition they deserve or have earned. I can say that not everyone can do what they do-being a superhero isn't for everyone. I think I'm proof of that. And that's ok.

I'm going to be ok. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow but I will be. I've made it 47 years and I plan on sticking around for more so here's to round whatever the hell it is of starting meds again and finding myself. Thanks for letting me vent and I'll try to write more often. I appreciate each and every one of you...don't forget 988 if you're needing help and 911 is always there for you as well. Either way, there's a superhero on the other end waiting to help.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It's Been Awhile But Life Is Good

 I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd last written but I'm thinking maybe that's a good thing. I've really been in a good place mentally and life has been good so I've been enjoying it. Let me go ahead and fill you in.

First and foremost, I have an amazing woman in my life that has done nothing but prove on a daily basis that someone can genuinely love me for me. No strings attached. No drama attached. No other motive than to be happy, be a strong couple and to face every day together as a team. When she says she loves me, it's more than just words. It's in her every action, her every look she gives me, her every laugh. She loves my family like they're her own, she loves my friends like they were her's first and she loves me like I'm the only man she's ever wanted Her kiddos make me feel wanted and part of the family every day.  Never once in our entire relationship have I ever had to question how she feels about me, never been filled with doubt, never had to wonder if she's being honest or just keeping me around because I'm convenient until someone else comes along. I'm a lucky man and I can only hope that I make her feel the same way she makes me feel every single day. She's my partner, my friend and my forever person. 

I've been battling being sick and was dealing with some long term effects that was beginning to become more than depressing but a vitamin regimen of all things has been a game changer and I'm feeling better than i had in quite awhile. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to the gym and starting keto again and start making life a little healthier.

My oldest, Ashlyn, has made me a Papa again and she is such a wonderful mother to my two grandbabies and hard working mom. Braden passed the Bar and is now an attorney and engaged to his partner in crime. Corynne has been dealing with major health issues but is one of the toughest and driven people I know and amazes me every day with how she can life can deal her a hit and she just keeps on truckin'. I couldn't be more proud of them.

I have started a job that is fulfilling in every way. I get to help people and am part of an environment that doesn't just say we're a family but actually proves we are a family every day thru actions, words and environment. I have the best coworker's a person could ever hope for that genuinely care about me as a person, cheer me on for success and celebrate right along with me when I'm able to accomplish something. I can be there for 12 hours a shift and can honestly say I am excited to get there on my way to work, excited to see them and learn from them while I'm there and miss them when I'm on my way home. If that doesn't explain how wonderful my job is then I don't know what to tell you.

I still see Katie who is not only the best therapist but a great friend. She's been a huge part of helping me be the person I want to be and need to be. She's my pick me up when I am at my lowest, my voice of reason and has always been there for me whether it's to be proud of me or to listen to the rantings of my sometimes irrational thoughts on life. I will forever be indebted to her.

It goes without saying that I have the best mom in the world that I still have to have my coffee sessions with because I will always have that momma's boy in me and I'm proud of that fact. My big brother  and sis continually cheer me on and always have my best interest at the forefront. I'm a lucky guy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is good. I've had a few bumps along the way but that just keeps life interesting. I've learned to let life happen. Well let's not get carried away- I'm learning to let life happen. To not analyze ever little thing. That Tabbee saying I love you is nothing more than her genuinely loving me. My coworkers accepting me and liking me is nothing more than they actually like Ryan for who Ryan is. I'm learning that if I start trying to find a hidden meaning in things, I'll miss out on the actual meaning and it is so much more fulfilling.

I'm excited for the things happening in my life. The chance to put my mental health advocacy to work while at work, to feel blessed with the new friends and family in my life, Tabbee, the kiddos. Life is good and I'm going to enjoy it for exactly what it is.

Thank you for reading,

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

A Thank You to Blue October

 This blog has been a long time in the making. I have to admit I've avoided it because it makes me emotional and thinking about the past can be painful. Thinking of all the horrible things I've done, said and thought, when being honest with myself, can be defeating but it doesn't have to be. I have been put here for a reason and I may not always know that reason but I intend to make the most of it.

The song that slapped me in the face all those years ago was, of course, Hate Me. I'm in the middle of raging alcoholism, a marriage I'm taking for granted and kids that are probably traumatized and embarrassed of their dad that's a hard-working drunk. "The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again" damn I said that so many times.  I was really good at broken promises. I think that song spoke to me so profoundly because I wanted, needed, everyone to hate me because that was something I understood. God I hated myself. So "Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you" I had a new addiction and that was Blue October.

Now I have to admit, after listening to song after song, I was wondering if it's possible to copyright my brain because I swore Justin was listening to my thoughts and writing songs about them. That is how close I related with his music. I felt like he was singing my story. He knew my pain, my fears-my sadness. He understood what it's like to laugh on the outside while screaming on the inside. To appear full of life while wishing I was dead. I had searched in all the wrong places for answers and I swore they were at the bottom of a bottle so I was determined to drink until I found the one with all of the solutions. I'm not saying it doesn't exist but I say the same thing about unicorns as well.

I remember many drunken nights, listening to Blue October, feeling his pain while trying to figure out how to end mine. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to die. I had done the testing of water type things-cutting, self-harm, completely reckless behavior hoping that would do it but I had never really really attempted suicide. Until I did. I remember being at such peace with it. It was like being in a fog as I drove to the grocery store and bought all the sleeping pills they had. Next stop was the liquor store. I remember spinning the top off of a whisky bottle with one hand while swallowing pills with the other. As I wrote the note that never would've been good enough to explain why I did what I did, I remember them kicking in and I cried. Not because I regretted my decision but because I had finally found the strength to go thru with it. I woke up puking. And I was angrier than I ever have been in my life. I was so bad of a screw-up I couldn't even kill myself.

I've told an extremely limited amount of people about that night. A verse in Black Orchid "Maybe life isn't for everyone" was what I really believed. I believed I was put here by mistake and I was going to fix it. I hear "how selfish" and "how could they do that to us" amongst many many other exclamations against something they can't possibly understand. At that point, I felt the most unselfish thing I could do for those I loved was no longer be here. I felt the only way I could make the pain go away was to die. The only forgiveness there was for my countless sins was to go away so I could ensure, in the only way I felt was possible, never to hurt anyone ever again. 

Why am I telling my story in this way? It's a simple answer really. Stigma. I have fought for not being embarrassed of who I am and that includes the bad parts of Ryan. I'm a ball of bipolar, mental illness, hurts, regrets, anger, guilt and countless other things that luckily include-a hell of a sense of humor, laughter, great friends and family just to name a limited few of all the good parts and things I have. It saddens me that we lose men and women to suicide multiple times a day. Please talk to someone if you are to that point. Please ask for help. 

I think of all the things I would've missed out on. I think of all the things those I love would've missed out on. Saturday morning coffee with my mom. Being a grandpa. Being a dad. Being a brother. Being a brother-in-law. My point in all of this is that moment in time seems insurmountable. Seems impossible. Seems the only answer to a lifetime of questions. It isn't. It really really isn't. I promise you it isn't. 

Call someone. Call anyone. Call the Suicide Hotline (988) I'm begging you. I think back to that night multiple times a week. I think about the ones I know that succeeded and I watch their loved ones left in a constant questioning of where they went wrong. What could they possibly have done to change the outcome. I can only tell you my perspective but I'm thankful I didn't succeed. I am thankful I finally started talking about it. You are not alone. By calling 988 you'll find out just how not alone you really are. I promise.

Now go and listen to "Fear" by Blue October. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar.

Ryan M Sullivan

I Don't Have A Drinking Problem, You Just Have A Problem with My Drinking

Am I an alcoholic? Absolutely. Do i still drink? Nope. I believe it started out as curiosity then transitioned into self-medicating and full blown dependence upon the stuff. Is been a hell of a ride to get to where I am today.

I started drinking at a young age and i got really good at hiding it. Staying at friend's houses and such whose parents were a little more lenient with that type of thing. I started drinking before school in high school, at my job on break at the fast food restaurant. It's scary how quick it grabbed ahold of me.

I moved out as soon as i graduated and it turned into a free for all. I remember Hilary walking into our apartment add the bath tub had ice in it and packed with alcohol and i thought she would be impressed. She didn't get impressed by the same things i did i found out. It ended our marriage.

It ended all my relationships eventually. It scared most. I think they thought they could change me and that made me drink heavier out of spite. Real mature, i know. At any point i was actually taking my medication, i stayed away from booze. Get off my meds and here came my ugly alcoholic twin with a vengeance.

I'm not sure how many times I've been arrested and spent the night in jail but it's enough times to be embarrassing. Every single charge I've ever had is alcohol related. Every. Single. One. I've spent thousands in fines and lawyer fees. Imagine if i could have that money back today. I've treated police officers with a disrespect that makes me ashamed and if i could remember every single one i need to apologize to i would in a heartbeat. I'm in crisis mode by the time they saw me and jail was honestly the best place for me at that point just for my safety alone but they didn't know that and didn't deserve the abuse i spouted their way.

I could go on but the point of this blog is I've changed. Just last night i got pulled aside at a get together and was told how cool he thought it was that i drank coffee all night and didn't drink a drop but still had fun. It's times like that that i am truly proud of myself. I made an impact in someone else's life no matter how big or small and they did me the favor of letting me know about it. I've learned that being myself is way more fun than having to apologize to people the next day, than waking up in a jail cell. That taking my meds is way less embarrassing than making the paper for being an asshole. I like who i am and i like me. It took me 40 years to be able to say that but damn it's intoxicating.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar.
R. M. Sully