It's Been Awhile But Life Is Good

 I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd last written but I'm thinking maybe that's a good thing. I've really been in a good place mentally and life has been good so I've been enjoying it. Let me go ahead and fill you in.

First and foremost, I have an amazing woman in my life that has done nothing but prove on a daily basis that someone can genuinely love me for me. No strings attached. No drama attached. No other motive than to be happy, be a strong couple and to face every day together as a team. When she says she loves me, it's more than just words. It's in her every action, her every look she gives me, her every laugh. She loves my family like they're her own, she loves my friends like they were her's first and she loves me like I'm the only man she's ever wanted Her kiddos make me feel wanted and part of the family every day.  Never once in our entire relationship have I ever had to question how she feels about me, never been filled with doubt, never had to wonder if she's being honest or just keeping me around because I'm convenient until someone else comes along. I'm a lucky man and I can only hope that I make her feel the same way she makes me feel every single day. She's my partner, my friend and my forever person. 

I've been battling being sick and was dealing with some long term effects that was beginning to become more than depressing but a vitamin regimen of all things has been a game changer and I'm feeling better than i had in quite awhile. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to the gym and starting keto again and start making life a little healthier.

My oldest, Ashlyn, has made me a Papa again and she is such a wonderful mother to my two grandbabies and hard working mom. Braden passed the Bar and is now an attorney and engaged to his partner in crime. Corynne has been dealing with major health issues but is one of the toughest and driven people I know and amazes me every day with how she can life can deal her a hit and she just keeps on truckin'. I couldn't be more proud of them.

I have started a job that is fulfilling in every way. I get to help people and am part of an environment that doesn't just say we're a family but actually proves we are a family every day thru actions, words and environment. I have the best coworker's a person could ever hope for that genuinely care about me as a person, cheer me on for success and celebrate right along with me when I'm able to accomplish something. I can be there for 12 hours a shift and can honestly say I am excited to get there on my way to work, excited to see them and learn from them while I'm there and miss them when I'm on my way home. If that doesn't explain how wonderful my job is then I don't know what to tell you.

I still see Katie who is not only the best therapist but a great friend. She's been a huge part of helping me be the person I want to be and need to be. She's my pick me up when I am at my lowest, my voice of reason and has always been there for me whether it's to be proud of me or to listen to the rantings of my sometimes irrational thoughts on life. I will forever be indebted to her.

It goes without saying that I have the best mom in the world that I still have to have my coffee sessions with because I will always have that momma's boy in me and I'm proud of that fact. My big brother  and sis continually cheer me on and always have my best interest at the forefront. I'm a lucky guy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is good. I've had a few bumps along the way but that just keeps life interesting. I've learned to let life happen. Well let's not get carried away- I'm learning to let life happen. To not analyze ever little thing. That Tabbee saying I love you is nothing more than her genuinely loving me. My coworkers accepting me and liking me is nothing more than they actually like Ryan for who Ryan is. I'm learning that if I start trying to find a hidden meaning in things, I'll miss out on the actual meaning and it is so much more fulfilling.

I'm excited for the things happening in my life. The chance to put my mental health advocacy to work while at work, to feel blessed with the new friends and family in my life, Tabbee, the kiddos. Life is good and I'm going to enjoy it for exactly what it is.

Thank you for reading,

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Let's Be Honest

I've had so much emptiness for so long, it shouldn't hurt anymore.

I wrote that in my journal yesterday. You see, I've been described as honest. Honest to a fault. But that's not the truth. Because if I was so honest, honest to a fault, I would lash out when my heart feels broken, with my true feelings of sadness instead of with words meant to destroy and inflict pain. I wouldn't jab with my sharpened tongue to make sure you feel more pain than I can bear alone. I would tell someone my feelings are hurt instead abusing them with words meant to hurt because I feel weak with vulnerability. I would tell people I need them instead of barking that I can walk this world alone. I would say that I feel empty inside because I'm the one that scooped everything out that made me feel raw and threw it away. I would say I'm lonely because I'm so sure that you are going to leave, that the concept of you sticking around forever, is one I can't compute because in my mind nothing lasts forever therefore let me sabotage so I can prove how honest my brain is with me and a heart is for the weak and vulnerable.

I have spent so much of life trying not to feel anything, that I'm responsible for the most damage. I have to accept the most blame. I have to point the finger at myself every day in the mirror. I'm hell bent on not feeling, that I can't admit I feel too much and I don't know how to process it. That I'm the one with feelings of inadequacies therefore you are inadequate. You see, I'm not honest with anyone, including myself, because I lie every single day about how I really feel.

If I'm to be honest, to a fault, I feel sad. I feel guilt. I feel remorse. I feel lost. I feel alone. That I feel exhausted being acquainted with myself. I'm the one I'm so angry with. I wonder if I had been this honest person I claim to be and had told someone how much I needed them, and loved them and appreciated them if we'd still be together? And if not, would I at least only have to deal with the hurt instead of the regret and guilt of things said that can never be unsaid? Would I still have a few of the friends I use to have? Would my family have had to forgive me less times than they've had to? 

I am trying so hard to be a better person. Like John tells me, be a better person today than you were yesterday. So I'm starting with truly being honest. I do want someone to grow old with. I do want to be loved. I do get lonely. I do need friends. I do long for acceptance, especially from myself. I am afraid of dying with more regrets than amazing memories. My feelings do get hurt.

 I love to write. I love poetry and art. I love to game. I love laughing with my buddies in the evening while we're gaming until I can't breathe. I love coffee with my mom. I love trips to Wichita to see my kiddos/little man. I love deep conversations on the porch with John and Ape. I love that Alex calls me to vent or for advice. I love that someone trusted me enough to help them through a rough night. I love the time I had with someone and all the good memories we had while we were together.

You see, I need to learn that just because things don't work out the way I wanted, doesn't mean I can't love the things that did during that time. I can be honest that every day isn't filled with rainbows and unicorns but some days are and they are truly magical. Some days are filled with tears but the ones that are filled with laughter recharge my soul. It's easy to go through a rough patch and convince yourself that everything always has been and always will be complete and utter shit but that's not the truth. My good days, my great days, far surpass my bad ones. It's ok to be honest with myself about that as well.

So my goal is to truly be that honest guy. Honest to a fault. To not only tell those around me that I love them and need them but to learn to love and need myself as well. There are some things that are never going to be and that's ok. There are some things I'm never going to be able to take back or unsay and though that was not ok for me to do some of the things I've done, I can work on never doing those things again. I can learn to forgive myself, ask for forgiveness, ask for help, be vulnerable, be a good friend, be a good partner if there's one in my future, be a good dad, son, brother. 

Last of all, I can be good to myself. That's not going to be easy. I'm going to fail from time to time. But that's ok too because I'm just trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

Thank you for letting me be honest with you.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

A Thank You to Blue October

 This blog has been a long time in the making. I have to admit I've avoided it because it makes me emotional and thinking about the past can be painful. Thinking of all the horrible things I've done, said and thought, when being honest with myself, can be defeating but it doesn't have to be. I have been put here for a reason and I may not always know that reason but I intend to make the most of it.

The song that slapped me in the face all those years ago was, of course, Hate Me. I'm in the middle of raging alcoholism, a marriage I'm taking for granted and kids that are probably traumatized and embarrassed of their dad that's a hard-working drunk. "The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again" damn I said that so many times.  I was really good at broken promises. I think that song spoke to me so profoundly because I wanted, needed, everyone to hate me because that was something I understood. God I hated myself. So "Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you" I had a new addiction and that was Blue October.

Now I have to admit, after listening to song after song, I was wondering if it's possible to copyright my brain because I swore Justin was listening to my thoughts and writing songs about them. That is how close I related with his music. I felt like he was singing my story. He knew my pain, my fears-my sadness. He understood what it's like to laugh on the outside while screaming on the inside. To appear full of life while wishing I was dead. I had searched in all the wrong places for answers and I swore they were at the bottom of a bottle so I was determined to drink until I found the one with all of the solutions. I'm not saying it doesn't exist but I say the same thing about unicorns as well.

I remember many drunken nights, listening to Blue October, feeling his pain while trying to figure out how to end mine. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to die. I had done the testing of water type things-cutting, self-harm, completely reckless behavior hoping that would do it but I had never really really attempted suicide. Until I did. I remember being at such peace with it. It was like being in a fog as I drove to the grocery store and bought all the sleeping pills they had. Next stop was the liquor store. I remember spinning the top off of a whisky bottle with one hand while swallowing pills with the other. As I wrote the note that never would've been good enough to explain why I did what I did, I remember them kicking in and I cried. Not because I regretted my decision but because I had finally found the strength to go thru with it. I woke up puking. And I was angrier than I ever have been in my life. I was so bad of a screw-up I couldn't even kill myself.

I've told an extremely limited amount of people about that night. A verse in Black Orchid "Maybe life isn't for everyone" was what I really believed. I believed I was put here by mistake and I was going to fix it. I hear "how selfish" and "how could they do that to us" amongst many many other exclamations against something they can't possibly understand. At that point, I felt the most unselfish thing I could do for those I loved was no longer be here. I felt the only way I could make the pain go away was to die. The only forgiveness there was for my countless sins was to go away so I could ensure, in the only way I felt was possible, never to hurt anyone ever again. 

Why am I telling my story in this way? It's a simple answer really. Stigma. I have fought for not being embarrassed of who I am and that includes the bad parts of Ryan. I'm a ball of bipolar, mental illness, hurts, regrets, anger, guilt and countless other things that luckily include-a hell of a sense of humor, laughter, great friends and family just to name a limited few of all the good parts and things I have. It saddens me that we lose men and women to suicide multiple times a day. Please talk to someone if you are to that point. Please ask for help. 

I think of all the things I would've missed out on. I think of all the things those I love would've missed out on. Saturday morning coffee with my mom. Being a grandpa. Being a dad. Being a brother. Being a brother-in-law. My point in all of this is that moment in time seems insurmountable. Seems impossible. Seems the only answer to a lifetime of questions. It isn't. It really really isn't. I promise you it isn't. 

Call someone. Call anyone. Call the Suicide Hotline (988) I'm begging you. I think back to that night multiple times a week. I think about the ones I know that succeeded and I watch their loved ones left in a constant questioning of where they went wrong. What could they possibly have done to change the outcome. I can only tell you my perspective but I'm thankful I didn't succeed. I am thankful I finally started talking about it. You are not alone. By calling 988 you'll find out just how not alone you really are. I promise.

Now go and listen to "Fear" by Blue October. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar.

Ryan M Sullivan

Being Manic is Ok, Right?

 I got a couple of hours of sleep and then bounced out of bed with a ton of energy and a million ideas. I know I'm going manic because I've been here a thousand times and it's been trying to take control the past couple of days. All the signs are there and I don't ignore them anymore. Instead, I thought I would use this as an opportunity to let you in on what I experience. Maybe it will help someone along the way.

The first sign for me is my speech. I can't talk fast enough. I have so many ideas and thoughts whirling thru my head like a tornado of incoherency and lucidity fighting for control that i need to get it out as fast as I can before I forget everything I wanted to say. It's hard to sit idle during conversations because I just want to talk. And talk. And talk. You don't need to because I have it under control.

Next comes impulse control. That ranges from saying things nobody should ever say in private let alone public. It kind of ties in with the whole speech thing. It becomes a thought straight to verbal before my brain can yell "Nope. Don't say that. Ever." The really dangerous thing about lack of impulse control is spending money. I want to buy everything my heart has ever desired and then everything it has never desired. I start looking at the dumbest shit on Amazon. You never know when you'll need an office sized L shaped computer and writing desk in the living room of your apartment even though you already own a perfectly fine writing desk. But isn't L shaped and it wont take up your entire living room so is it really that fine? I can only wear one watch band at a time but owning 15 is better. 6 TB of storage for the PS5 is amazing but so is a 12. I need a different soap for every day of the month so i always smell fresh with matching underarm deodorant. My buddy just bought a desktop gaming PC and I know I just got a really nice gaming laptop a few weeks ago but it would look better sitting next to a desktop. Because I can only use one at a time doesn't figure into the equation. Luckily, I have bought none of these but they're sitting in my 'save for later' in my Amazon account. We'll get to that in a minute.

Irritability and grandiose ideas. I love being manic because of all these brilliant ideas I have (can't you tell so far?) and when I'm hyper-focused on something I find important it irritates me that you don't find it as important. When I vocalize the grandest idea in human existence, I struggle with the fact that you are too lucid to understand the importance of what I'm saying. Why must you speak common sense to the amazing Ryan Sullivan when I've just told you I am going to be a best selling author that's never written a book? No I have not ever directed a movie but mine will be a blockbuster so why do you keep asking stupid questions? I love my job so I should quit. I just asked that question 3.2 seconds ago but you haven't answered yet so screw you. I think you get the idea.

The good thing about dealing with bipolar for the past 30 years give or take is I've become pretty self-aware. I watch for my own red flags. The warning signs. So when I say I put all that stuff in my 'save for later' list on Amazon it's because I have taught myself that putting it there is just as satisfying as actually purchasing them. Plus it's a good laugh when I come off my mania to look at all the crazy stuff I put in there. I have learned to listen to myself talk and at what speed so I know mania is a coming. I gauge my irritability against would that irritate anyone or just Manic Ryan. I have spent many times broke as a joke because of mania. I have embarrassed myself with the claims of fame during mania. I have hurt feelings and destroyed relationships because of mania.

Mania is always described as almost euphoric and trust me it can be. But that only applies to me and I forget that sometimes. So when my level isn't matched I actually wonder what your problem is while you're wondering what the hell my problem is. Luckily those close to me have learned this is as much a part of me as my beard was until I had to shave it off because I wasn't patient enough to wait for Joe to make it look amazing as always. I really am fortunate. Not everyone is.

So what I'm saying is I'm not asking for a free pass to act however I want but maybe a little slack here and there isn't too much to ask. On the flip side, holding me accountable with kindness is a must because I refuse to use my bipolar as an excuse to not be a good person. So I'm going to fake shop, not start my best selling novel while not directing a blockbuster and have speed conversations with myself until it's time to go to work. I know this about myself. I'm proud of myself for knowing this about myself and for fighting like hell with Manic Ryan to not destroy everything he's worked hard to obtain. So I'll wait patiently to take my meds, shower and go to work because I've been blessed with another day-bipolar and all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Rantings of A Sucker

​It's 2 something in the morning and I've been

writing/journaling while listening to music and I heard

these lyrics- The thought is unimaginable, that I saw you

for the last time and didn't know. You were the one that I

wasn't suppose to lose…lyrics sung by Three Days

Grace in the song Lifetime. As you know by know, music

is a conduit for all of my emotions. Music is my voice

when I don't have one. Even when I'm minding my own

business like this morning as I was writing away listening

to metal and then life threw this emotional curveball my

way, I suppose, because I was enjoying myself too much.

Now I know I've beat this poor horse to death, buried it,

dug it back up just to beat it again. well, I've given you

a pretty descriptive image as to what I'm getting at but I

can't help it. When I can't get rid of it, I must write about

it.

I struggle when it comes to things I can't comprehend

Things that don't follow logic. I find myself analyzing

the situation over and over and over trying to make it fit

in this box or that category or at the minimum, make

sense. The word forever. The word soulmate. The words I

love you. The only logical conclusion I've come to is the

word bullshit. You can fit that word in all kinds of boxes,

categories, bags and sacks by the truckload. That word

makes sense to me.

Now again, I'm the first person to tell you I'm not

perfect, but I am very honest about my imperfections.

Right out of the gate. I spell out all the things I struggle

with from time to time. How my brain decides to short

out and do its own thing from time to time. By admitting

all these things doesn't mean I'm justifying my actions

when they occur by any means. I hold myself

accountable. And that's what frustrates me because where

is everyone else's accountability?

I know I'm an easy target for being the bad guy. Trust

me, I know. The bad thing about being brutally honest

about myself is that it can be used as a weapon by others.

It can be used as a defense in the court of life. Nothing

easier than using someone's own words against them.

suppose a normal person would quit learning to be so

honest because I've learned that about most people as

well but I can't. I take pride in it. Stupid, huh?

With all of this being said, the one question that

constantly remains is- why am I the only one required to

change? Why must I accept the other person for exactly

who they are or else I'm an asshole but here's a list of

things I need to change and if I could get on that

immediately it would be greatly appreciated? If you

don't, well, I'm going to need that forever back. I guess

we're not soulmates after all. I don't love you anymore.

I've had this with friendships as well. Be who we want

you to be and everything will be fine but you must allow

us to be whatever the hell we want to be, say whatever

we want to say and do whatever we want to do. If you

don't like it, we are allowed to say that's just the way we

are but the way you are sucks so please change that.

Thank you.

This is by no means a pity party because it has taught me

a lot about people. I don't have to understand why things

are the way there are to gain knowledge in the fact that I

don't have to accept why things are the way they are. I've

learned I'm fine having fewer friends. I've learned I'm

fine not having a significant other. I've learned enjoying

my own company far outweighs being around people for

the sake of being around other people. I enjoy being

around my family and a couple of other people and that's

good enough. If I don't have to leave my apartment

outside of going to work or being with said family then I

consider that a win. I don't like people anymore.

Part of me despises the way I analyze and look at some

things in black and white. It would be easier to follow the

herd. To be a faceless person constantly morphing into

what others want me to be. The other part of me is proud

for being true to who I am. For being honest. That I only

have the one face and don't feel the need to carry masks

around with me.

I've learned that honesty will get you nowhere in this

game of life. I've learned that in friendships, relationships

and work. You're a sucker waiting to be taken advantage

of if you have that quality. I've been thrown under many

proverbial busses but I take pride I haven't let it change

the fact that I'm still that sucker in life refusing to shed

that quality. It's easier to avoid those busses being alone

behind a locked door.

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar 

Ryan M Sullivan 

It’s All Lies

I spend about 99% of my personal time alone these days and it affords me a lot of time to think and reflect. I’ve come to the realization that most of life and what I personally have learned of mental illness is all lies. Don’t worry, I’ll clarify. 

We’ve been taught that life is at its fullest when we’re surrounded by friends and have that one special person by our side that we can spend our life with. But the lessons I’ve learned from those teachings are that everyone cares about their own happiness and as long as you conform to whatever makes them happy 100% of the time then you are worthy, your friendship is cherished and you’ll be loved to the moon and back forever and a day. Now let that not be the case, their eternal 100% happiness, then you are belittled, not given a second thought and dragged to the curb like yesterday’s trash. And heaven help you if you stand up for yourself and say you don’t want to be treated like the way they say they don’t want to be treated either. Oops I made the mistake of being concerned about my own well-being. I need to think about what I’ve done and probably apologize as well. 

If I sound bitter then you’re reading this right because I am. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t want to try to understand people anymore. There’s no give and take, no working on anything anymore, no meaning to words or promises or integrity or honesty. It’s all about instant gratification. It’s about being a friend only if they get what they want. I know what you’ve been saying you want in a friendship Ryan but that’s your problem. Your wishes will be discarded because, well, we don’t care. 

Relationships are no different. It’s I’ll tell you what you want to hear if it means I get what I want. Then when I don’t need that from you anymore, no big deal, I’ll throw you away and go get it from someone else. But while we’re together, all my past traumas are valid, I have every right to make you pay for them and you’d better be 100% supportive of my needs and wants. I deserve to do whatever I want because I haven’t been able to for the last x amount of years. I know that’s thru choices of my own but I still need you to bear that cross Ryan because, well, no one else will. I need you to be perfect at all times because if you aren’t then I’m leaving. So it looks like I’ll be leaving, sorry about the whole forever part not working out…byeeeee. 

So here comes the mental illness part. I’ve had it shoved down my throat that medication is what’s best for ME. RYAN will feel better if I’M medicated. Bullshit. I’m better for those around me if I’m medicated. I don’t speak my feelings as much when I’m medicated. I don’t get angry at legitimate things that would make anyone angry if I’m medicated. I don’t stick up for myself as much if I’m medicated. So once again I’m to do what’s best for others. I have constantly said I hate my meds but that never matters because it’s always followed up with the whole that’s what’s best for you Ryan. Is it though? Is it honestly what’s best for me or is it what’s best for you?

The way I look at it, I’ve pretty much cut everyone out of my life at this point besides family and maybe a couple of people so nobody really has to worry about their rules for me anymore. Or their expectations. They can all pretty much continue worrying about themselves. I know this isn’t all upbeat and positive but I don’t care. Neither is the reality of life. Blame it on my meds if that makes you feel better. I have learned that if I have nobody in my life then nobody can hurt me. There’s a look at my reality, and honestly, I am perfectly fine with it. I no more owe an explanation for my choices for my life than the next person. When I hear someone give their opinion or have a legitimate reason to be upset, never once have I walked up to them and said ‘Hey are you supposed to be on medication, and if so, are you taking them?’ 

So take this post with a grain of salt. Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t. This is genuinely how I feel about everything right now and putting it into words is what helps me. This is my therapy. Because that’s what I need to feel better and what I need is now my priority. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Hear Me Fall

​I read a response to a post the other day that has stuck with me. ‘Nobody hears a tree grow but everyone hears it when it falls’. Damn. I mean, well, damn.

It was like being throat punched because I was left speechless with a flood  of emotions and memories. More like a tidal wave. Such a powerful and emotional statement in so few of words. 

I got to thinking of my life. Of stupid things I’ve done. Mistakes I’ve made. And I thought of how many times when I fell, those are still the sounds people hear. How many drunk stories are still intoxicating for people to bring up? How the sound of handcuffs are like an ax to wood. Mental hospitals. Suicide attempts. Bipolar. Medication. Anger. Depression. Tears. Yelling. Silence. 

I haven’t always done the right thing in my life. I’ve made some horrible decisions. I hear that wood cracking around me on a daily basis from cuts past. Memories that won’t go away no matter how hard I try. Memories that keep me awake at night and no amount of tears or guilt or anger will ever make them go away. But you know what I don’t hear? My roots growing deeper and stronger because of them. 

I can’t hear my growth from all these experiences called life because the sounds of the past are so loud but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. It means not everything needs to be immediately understood. It means that instant gratification will only be a disappointment if that’s what I’m after. It means I also need to pay attention to those growing around me. 

You see, it’s easy for me to want and expect and desire and accuse. But do I do the same for those around me in return? Am I yelling ‘Watch me grow!!!’ while holding the ax of mockery and judgement against someone else’s trunk? Absolutely I have. I do. Sometimes I’m sharpening it during the conversation. I can do better. 

The thing with trees is we judge them for what we can see. What’s above ground. The important thing is what we can’t see. The roots. Just because I feel like I’m not growing upwards doesn’t mean that maybe the growth I’m needing at that moment is a firm base. Something to build upon so that when it is upward it’s based on something solid. This goes for everyone. I no more can judge the height of their tree without knowing what I can’t see. I need to do better. 

Has everyone heard me fall? Absolutely. Thank god my roots were deep enough to stand me back up. Instead of listening for the cracks in everyone maybe I need to listen to their silence. Because that’s the sound of growth. And maybe I’ll get the same in return. 

Im not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan