It's Been Awhile But Life Is Good

 I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd last written but I'm thinking maybe that's a good thing. I've really been in a good place mentally and life has been good so I've been enjoying it. Let me go ahead and fill you in.

First and foremost, I have an amazing woman in my life that has done nothing but prove on a daily basis that someone can genuinely love me for me. No strings attached. No drama attached. No other motive than to be happy, be a strong couple and to face every day together as a team. When she says she loves me, it's more than just words. It's in her every action, her every look she gives me, her every laugh. She loves my family like they're her own, she loves my friends like they were her's first and she loves me like I'm the only man she's ever wanted Her kiddos make me feel wanted and part of the family every day.  Never once in our entire relationship have I ever had to question how she feels about me, never been filled with doubt, never had to wonder if she's being honest or just keeping me around because I'm convenient until someone else comes along. I'm a lucky man and I can only hope that I make her feel the same way she makes me feel every single day. She's my partner, my friend and my forever person. 

I've been battling being sick and was dealing with some long term effects that was beginning to become more than depressing but a vitamin regimen of all things has been a game changer and I'm feeling better than i had in quite awhile. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to the gym and starting keto again and start making life a little healthier.

My oldest, Ashlyn, has made me a Papa again and she is such a wonderful mother to my two grandbabies and hard working mom. Braden passed the Bar and is now an attorney and engaged to his partner in crime. Corynne has been dealing with major health issues but is one of the toughest and driven people I know and amazes me every day with how she can life can deal her a hit and she just keeps on truckin'. I couldn't be more proud of them.

I have started a job that is fulfilling in every way. I get to help people and am part of an environment that doesn't just say we're a family but actually proves we are a family every day thru actions, words and environment. I have the best coworker's a person could ever hope for that genuinely care about me as a person, cheer me on for success and celebrate right along with me when I'm able to accomplish something. I can be there for 12 hours a shift and can honestly say I am excited to get there on my way to work, excited to see them and learn from them while I'm there and miss them when I'm on my way home. If that doesn't explain how wonderful my job is then I don't know what to tell you.

I still see Katie who is not only the best therapist but a great friend. She's been a huge part of helping me be the person I want to be and need to be. She's my pick me up when I am at my lowest, my voice of reason and has always been there for me whether it's to be proud of me or to listen to the rantings of my sometimes irrational thoughts on life. I will forever be indebted to her.

It goes without saying that I have the best mom in the world that I still have to have my coffee sessions with because I will always have that momma's boy in me and I'm proud of that fact. My big brother  and sis continually cheer me on and always have my best interest at the forefront. I'm a lucky guy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is good. I've had a few bumps along the way but that just keeps life interesting. I've learned to let life happen. Well let's not get carried away- I'm learning to let life happen. To not analyze ever little thing. That Tabbee saying I love you is nothing more than her genuinely loving me. My coworkers accepting me and liking me is nothing more than they actually like Ryan for who Ryan is. I'm learning that if I start trying to find a hidden meaning in things, I'll miss out on the actual meaning and it is so much more fulfilling.

I'm excited for the things happening in my life. The chance to put my mental health advocacy to work while at work, to feel blessed with the new friends and family in my life, Tabbee, the kiddos. Life is good and I'm going to enjoy it for exactly what it is.

Thank you for reading,

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Not A Big Fan

This time of year is hard to deal with. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yup I said it. Bah humbug and shame on me, right?

My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving and it's hard to associate the holiday with anything but that for me. Yes I still have the rest of my family to be thankful for but now there's a void that can never be filled for me. His absence is ever present.

Christmas doesn't hold pleasant memories for me during my adult life. It's a time of nothing but stress and bad memories. Feeling like I wasn't able to provide a good enough Christmas for my kids when I was down and out. Feeling like I was a let down to people around me. I cringe when Christmas comes around. I'm sure some of it is in my head only but that doesn't make it any less intolerable.

So then comes my bipolar. My meds this round are helping but not entirely. I've been obsessing and feel myself getting depressed, especially when I'm left alone with myself. I try not to let it consume me but the harder I try the more I think about it. I wish we could go from October straight to January.

I start living in the past. I obsess over it. I know logically I can't change it but that doesn't mean the holidays don't still haunt me. It makes me irritable, angry. It makes me sad for things I've missed out on memory wise with my kids. I disappeared for a few years and wasn't in their life. That's hard to admit but it's the truth. That's what the holidays mean to me.

I've been talking about it in therapy but haven't divulged the full extent of it. It's too hard to voice these things. I want to disappear. I know I need to let go of the past but my mind won't let me and it's about to drive me crazy. I didn't sleep last night. Hello manic...where have you been old friend? I have medicine that will help it go away but I couldn't make myself take it last night. I felt like I didn't deserve to sleep, that I needed to think about all of it. To punish myself. That's the old Ryan and he won last night. Bring honest is the only way to change my behavior. I know better than to fall into that place again. I know there's just as many negatives as I convince myself of the positives of being manic.

I'm struggling with this. Things have been going great and I don't want to backpedal. But I miss aspects of unmedicated Ryan. Those around me don't. Those around me keep telling me how good I'm doing and the great changes they've noticed but I don't want to think about that because in my mind I'm on top of the world and will eventually think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread the more manic I get. I'll be able to do anything and accomplish great things. Unless you've experienced that I'm sure it makes zero sense to you. I understand that.

So I took my medication this morning. I'll take it tonight along with my Zyprexa. I don't want to but I know I need to. I know I've got a battle with myself tonight and I'm not looking forward to it because what if old Ryan wins. Then I'm letting myself and those around me down. Then all of this progress was for nothing. I guess it's time to go to battle with the old Ryan until only one of us is left standing tonight. I'm pretty bullheaded so I see me winning this battle. Tonight is what I'm thinking about. One step at a time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully