Sleepless In Salina

Haha how convenient that I work in a town that started with S is that? Probably not as cool than if I lived in Seattle but I don't so work with me here. Yup. 

So I'm on night three I think it is with 2 hours or less of sleep so I have that going for me. Thing is I don't feel tired or irritated about it. I'm not wishing I was asleep, in fact, quite the contrary. I enjoy the night hours. I mean, I just completely rearranged my apartment and what better time than the midnight hours to get that important piece work done? I have to work today, I know I'm suppose to be off but my boss did me a solid by letting me come in because I missed work due to Ashlyn....GIVING ME MY FIRST GRANDBABY!! I just wish I could get excited about it. But what I was getting at is I won't feel tired at work so I don't feel like it's a big deal. Maybe. 

I saw Derek last Friday I think (maybe I do need sleep) and that went well. He started me back on my Abilify as a compliment to my lithium again. Damned ol obsessing, anger, delusional bipolar bullcrap thing I've got going on. Still. Really thought I would be the first person cured of bipolar by now. I'm kind of a big deal damn it. Haven't I told you? Well don't worry, I will. I also do what I want. Stacy hasn't heard either of these statements a billion times before. Million probably but definitely not billion. Yeah so anyway, it went well. I think I'm a looney tune and he helps convince me I'm not every time and when though I joke I'm being serious. It's easy for me to get so frustrated that I begin to believe I'm crazy. That I'm abnormal. That I need to be locked up. Wait not need but will be. And that scares me. He calms me down and puts my mind at ease. I seriously love that guy and I don't think he understands completely how much he's helped me. Best email I ever sent (thanks Mom for telling me that the other day) and this is the best I've ever done with managing my bipolar. 

So I've noticed the voices seem to have come back more frequent and for good measure there's a random one that says hi or other one word sayings. Pretty cool when you say hi back to a co-worker just to find out they never said hi in the first place. That's what we call...awwwwwwwkward. I'm repeating words or sounds until my brain says that I'm off the hook. One of my coworkers calls it my alien talk. I guess that's cool that I speak alien but also frustrating at the same time. Anger. Oh that nasty little SOB. Over stupid stuff too. I like to think it's do to a culmination of this going on as I've been listing that gets me frustrated and then turns to anger. I haven't decided but that's what I'm leaving towards. Ok I lied that's what Derek told me but I wanted to sound smart. 

So I've listed what's going on and I am frustrated and down right angry at times but have you also read how blessed I am? I'm a papa. I'm a dad. I have an amazing girlfriend.  I have great friends like John, Ape and Sarah to name a few. I have an amazing family. I have a job. At said job, I work with the most understanding guys I could ask for. I mean they call it alien talk instead of telling me I'm a freak. My boss has to be the most understanding guy and works with me beyond what any bids should have to. I have Derek to help guide me along this often trying trip called bipolar. I'm a lucky guy. 

So when I feel like this thing called bipolar is beating me down and I have nothing, I can go back and read this blog as a reminder of the good things because it's so much easier to focus on the bad sometimes. Or all the time. So I'm sleepless in Salina this week but maybe next week when I'm here I'll be sleeping.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully aka Ryan M Sullivan

I'm Sorry But Which Ryan Am I Speaking With?

I'm still here. I've wanted to write but haven't had the ability to it seems. I've had the want and the topics and the desire but have lacked in the area of acting upon it. I've been struggling a bit. Not all at once but the small pieces seem to come together like a puzzle in the end to create one big masterpiece of chaos. Nothing you'd enjoy to hang on your wall I'm afraid. 

I haven't been journaling until recently either and I know that doesn't help. Getting my thoughts on paper has always been a release for me but not taking the avenues that lead to stability have been a hindrance as well in my dealings with bipolar. I'm feeling good so why maintain a routine that got me there?

As I write this I just want to delete it. I feel like I'm rambling as a thousand strands of thought race thru my mind every second. I'm struggling to stay on track. I missed my med appointment with Derek and every time I call I get the secretary's voicemail. Do I leave a voicemail? Of course not because it infuriates me I'm getting voicemail instead of a human. So much better not to have an appointment than to leave what I want on a machine. Right? That's the proper way to handle that situation isn't it? I mean it leads to me rambling on my blog and feeling like I or someone anyway wants to crawl out of my skin so good job Ryan. Whichever Ryan that happens to be.

I know everything I'm going thru right now is part of my bipolar. Even on medication. That's what's frustrating is I demand perfection. I take my meds so why do I still get the bad parts? I mean the pills mean a 100% promise that I won't have to still be bipolar, right? That I won't have days I have to struggle or hate everything for no reason or want to quit my job and go live in the woods and disappear. I won't struggle with the paranoia or voices or all the other "crazy" shit I've tried to hide or be embarrassed of in the past. 

I always try to remain positive as I've come too far in the past year and a half or so to give up. I thought about it last night as I sat down at a bar and decided pills for me use to come in the form of a pint. I wanted to drink a lot of those pills but instead I got up and left. I made the choice to get up, walk out the door and go home. I did that. Me. Instead I made a delicious stew and went to bed. So as my title asks which Ryan am I speaking with it's honestly hard to tell sometimes but that's the Ryan that is serious about controlling his bipolar and not taking the easy way out. It's easy to get drunk and get some short-lived relief but dealing with the aftermath lasts so much longer. So I'm going to struggle until it gets better and hate every minute of it but at least guilt isn't part of that struggle this morning. 

So I'm going to call Derek's office and leave a voicemail. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully

It Only Took 42 Years

Damn it's been awhile but I've been itching to write so here I am again. There's been quite a bit that's gone on in the past few months so let's get started.

My job transferred me to Salina for the next year and a half or so and I've been here since July 1. Maybe not a big deal to some but this is the first time I've lived outside Emporia where I grew up since I was 2. Freaks me the hell out sometimes I must admit but I have enjoyed the different variety of restaurants and things to do here. I actually really like Salina. So much that I've got an apartment now here as well as Emporia. Not bad for a guy that was fine never leaving Emporia. My mom and Stacy helped me move in so that helped tremendously.

Did I mention Stacy? Oh my I guess I did. That would happen to be my girlfriend. At 42 if feels weird using the word girlfriend as if I'm talking to my buddies in the locker banks in high school pointing out the chick I'm dating. Yeah bro that's my girlfriend. So are you going to the dance Friday night? Yeah me either. So anyway, yeah, that's what she is-my girlfriend.

I was explaining to my mom how I felt about her and here's the best way I could describe it: she's my magnet. I said do you know how it is when you've lost a puzzle piece and your searching for it and then when you find it everything feels complete? Stacy was my lost puzzle piece and now my life is complete. It's a great feeling.

She's an amazing person. Patient, kind, selfless. I could go on and on but you get the point. She is everything I've wanted but thought I would never have. Didn't deserve. She's convinced me otherwise. She helps me more than I could ever reciprocate I'm sure but I'm forever grateful.

I have a med appointment today. I'm frustrated and hopefully that gets fixed by talking with Derek. Lithium is still doing me good but my sleep or lack of it is back. Other things are back. I've handled some last minute changes the past week better than I ever have in my life but it's the other stuff that's hard to deal with. Paranoia. Voices. Obsessing. Drives me crazy and I hate being like this and it starts bringing me down. Derek will help me.

I try to stay positive and I have a lot of positives in my life. I got to see all three of my wonderful kiddos Friday and I saw Justin Furstenfeld do his Open Book tour. In time I hope to meet Stacy's kids in person. They seem like great kids and I know they make Stacy proud so it'll be my pleasure to meet them.

So it only took 42 years but I have a job I absolutely love, my magnet I absolutely love, my family whose love has no bottom to it including my amazing children who all happen to be adults now and Derek. Life is good on all levels and I'm not sure I've had the pleasure of saying that about myself. It's about time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Irregularities, Irritability and Irrational Behavior Equals Progress

Yeah I know, the title doesn't make sense on how all of that equals progress but in my world of bipolar it makes perfect sense so I'm going to break it down one time (couldn't resist) and explain.

How's everybody been? It's almost there months to the day since my last blog but like I've said before, I don't write for the sake of pumping something out just so I can have a post or get likes on social media. I take this blog very serious so I write when I have something serious to talk about and I use this as a form of therapy for myself. If I write just for the sake of writing then I'm not doing myself any favors. I'll try to be more consistent but once again I promise nothing.

So irregularities. Oh boy has that been an issue which also ties into the irritability but we'll get there. Anyone that really knows me, I am a schedule/time oriented person. If something starts at 9 and I don't get there by 8:45 then I'm late. I won't go watch a movie if the previews have already started. I have routines. I don't like my routines messed with. I have certain days I do certain things and I can't relax if they don't go the way they're suppose to. I sit and stew on the fact that I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing instead of what I'm actually doing.

So in walks irritability. I get irritable. Very irritable. Too much sensory or extracurricular activities start going on then it stresses me and stress turns to anger. Change is not a good thing with me no what the saying says about it being otherwise. I do this and then I do this and then I do this. I don't have time for the thats. I start shutting down and then I disappear. I hide from the outside world while trying to get my shit together. I'm perfectly fine not leaving my house for the entire weekend.

Irrational behavior doesn't always mean I'm flipping the f out. It may mean I decided to drink a beer after not having one for a month. I may not respond to texts or phone calls. I may go to Walmart so I can buy some thing I've decided I needed on a whim or order something on Amazon because it makes me feel better. It may mean I flip the f out.

So I've covered all the bases and I'm sure your confused on how this equals progress. Well let me clarify. I use to look at all of these as a negative thing. I would chastise myself for alerting myself to behave in these ways. Then I started looking at it in a positive light. You know why I react in these ways? Because I have allowed myself to get out of my comfort zone. I have had my routine or schedule get changed but I still went along with it. Yeah it made me irritable or maybe irrational but only because I didn't completely shut down and refuse to go along with it. I'm starting to have more irregularities in my life because I'm allowing there to be irregularities in my life.

I'm losing my therapist for three months because she's having a baby. She told me she feels perfectly fine with that face because she knows I'm in a good place and I can do it. She couldn't have said that 6 months ago. I worked over three hours away for the last week in a town I know nothing about and I did it. I went to a beard competition and competed in front of people last month. Even met and talked to a great group of people that I had never met before in my life. Many more examples of changes I have made but my point is I'm making changes. I'm not letting my bipolar constantly dictate if I'm going to have fun or not. I don't let it constantly dictate that I'm not going to leave my place for an entire weekend. I'm no longer letting it constantly dictate me.

So I may have some irregularities and get irritable and have some some Irrational behaviours from time to time but that just tells me it's equaling progress.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Being Stubborn Isn't Helping

So I went to Wichita yesterday and saw Derek. I've been having problems with paranoia and auditory. Anger. I was actually responsible when these things started getting out of control again and got ahold of him.

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me. When these things amp up my number one go to is alcohol. I still convince myself that it's better than what any meds can do at the time because I can get that numbing, brain-slowing affect pretty quick. So I get to that desired level but then alcoholic Ryan steps in says he'll take it from here and then I'm flat wasted. It's no longer therapeutic. Quite the opposite.

So I talked with Derek yesterday and had told him previously under zero circumstances ever will I take lithium again. Screw the lab work and the tweaking of levels until I'm stable. Blah blah blah never say never, right? You think I'd now that by now. So I'm back on lithium after years and years of not being on it. It's the best medication that ever worked for me.

And there is the insanity of a sane situation. I just said it's the best medication that has ever worked for me yet I refused to go back on it. Because I don't like spending 5 minutes getting my lab work done. And to be real honest, I know that under no circumstances can I drink while taking it. Oh it says you can have a couple drinks or in moderation as long as you maintain hydration. What in the hell is moderation? This is why I say that I can't drink while taking it. I don't know moderation and I won't stop after a couple. It's easy to go toxic with lithium mixed with alcohol.

So I'm excited to be on something that I know without a doubt works for me but nervous and maybe even a little irritated that the alcohol stopped once I took my first dose last night. It's hard to completely give up something that has been a somewhat constant in your life. It's scary. I struggle with my alcoholism. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute.

So I'm asking for help. I'm asking for your prayers, encouragement, thoughts, accountability. I'm going to tell all the girls at the pub I love going to that under no circumstances am I to be served. That's embarrassing to have to do that but if I leave myself an out I'll take it. They are all amazing people and I know they'll help me however they can. I know you're thinking well he'll just go somewhere else. I don't feel comfortable other places. If I don't go there, then I drank at home. That's the biggest struggle I'm going to face. I can tell myself all kinds of things from I'm a grown man and can drink if I want to, that bonfires burn brighter with a beer in your hand, that people think I'm-that I think I'm more social and fun to be around. That alcohol actually improves my state of mind and bipolar. That it fixes my problems.

So I've got to unconvince myself of these things and realize they couldn't be farther from the truth. I need to remind myself of the nights in jail, thousands spent on fines, relationships lost, pain and anguish I've put friends and family thru. And that it's not going to make my bipolar go away. It's not medication. It's counterproductive. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing.

So I say being stubborn isn't helping but that may not be the truth. Because my stubbornness at doing something that seems impossible may just be the motivation that keeps this ball rolling. Telling myself I can't make it today will make me stubborn enough to do it for a week. Then a month. Then a year.

So please help me out. I've got two doses of lithium under my belt and that's two more than I had this time yesterday. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I keep saying I want to get better so my actions need to reflect that as well. Woke up sober this morning so I'm off to a good start.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

The Window

I opened my
Eyes
Found my
Surroundings
Sleep leaving
And you're gone
Still
After all
Of these
Years
You're
Still
Gone

Determined
To make
Everyone suffer
Because of my
Personal hell
I lost
Sight
That
I had
Heaven
By
My
Side

Years haven't
Brought
Forgiveness
And
Closure
Only constant
Regret
An all
Expense paid
Trip
Down
Memory
Lane

I can't let
Go
I hold
Tight to
My
Feelings
Of love
I
Lost
Years
Ago
Never to be
Had again

Past repeats
Itself
Only if
You put
Yourself
In a
Position
To allow
It
Never again
I can't
I won't
Never the same

Nobody compares
Not fair
To them
Anguish
For me
Better to
Be
Alone
Than
To deal
With
Unmet
Expectations

I don't
Have
What it
Takes
I won't
Give
Therefore
I do not
Receive
How to settle
When I've
Already experienced
The best I could

Get over it
Let go
Move on
Easy words
For those
On the
Outside
Attempting
To look in
While their
View is
Smeared
With their advice

Time heals
All things
A lifetime
Must be
What
They
Meant
Moving forward
With my
Memories
Moving
Backwards

Continuing alone
Is easier
Than the
Chance
Of experiencing
Loss
Again
How many
Times
Can something
Break
Before it's
Broken
Forever

Solitude
Alone
Self-preservation
Closed
Lock the door
Throw away
The key
While
Opening
The
Blinds
To the
Past

So out
That
Window
I stare
The memories
Cast a
Shadow
On
My face
At
That window
There I
Stand

The Never-ending Night

When the sun goes down, the demons come to play. I haven't written in awhile because I've had a lot going on in reality and in my head. I try to process both realms before I put words on a page for everyone to read so that I can be nice, coherent and rational. I'm not sure I've ever been accused of being all three at the same time but one must have goals, right?

This week has been stressful, cold, miserable-a ton of negative words that describes how I've felt. I can't get my mind to shut the f up. I can't process some things and that's unacceptable. I've felt like a failure. I've relived my past and analyzed everywhere I went wrong that's led to where I am now. I'm experiencing my personal hell while others sleep the sleep of no remorse or conscience.

It's even seeped into my dreams. Makes me dread sleep. They're so real that it takes me awhile to snap out of it and then I don't want to go back to sleep for fear of what the next dream entails. I'd rather have one dream to obsess over than multiple. I took my Zyprexa last night like I'm supposed to when I can't shut it down and get stable sleep. I slept for 3 hours. I swore I could hear someone walking around in my house and after a thorough check, my rational side lecturing me the whole time, my unrational side came to the conclusion that they're probably hiding in the attic so I blocked the door leading to it because in the attic they'll now stay.

So now that I got that picture of insanity painted on the canvas of your brain we can continue. I've really come to enjoy my own company. If that sounds conceited it's supposed to because who else can give me all these conversations I have with myself and the walls? Who can stand up to a bar set so high? Why should I have idle conversations when I can intelligently tell myself where things went wrong with no possible way to change that moment in time so therefore the solution to the problem is deal with it. Oh I don't understand others actions? Well by all means obsess over it for hours until you come up with a solution of jack shit. Then I can go back to the actions and choices of the picture of perfection I call my past and live experiences over and over while playing the extremely fun game of what if I had done this instead of that and take the game on step further called analyzation and branch that out to possible outcomes that are impossible to achieve while my brain refuses to quit playing the game because like in Monopoly I must have all the pieces on the board before I can say I've won and the game is over. That has to be one of the longest sentences I've ever written in my life. Nothing like a rant sentence to win that achievement. Gold star is going on my fridge for the day and it's barely after 5am.

So to say the least, I'm struggling this week. Maybe longer but who's keeping track? My brain, come on people, work with me here. Luckily I have therapy this morning. Probably a good thing. Poor Joey has no idea what she's in for. Or maybe she does. She is blessed with my presence every Friday after all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully