Hear Me Fall

​I read a response to a post the other day that has stuck with me. ‘Nobody hears a tree grow but everyone hears it when it falls’. Damn. I mean, well, damn.

It was like being throat punched because I was left speechless with a flood  of emotions and memories. More like a tidal wave. Such a powerful and emotional statement in so few of words. 

I got to thinking of my life. Of stupid things I’ve done. Mistakes I’ve made. And I thought of how many times when I fell, those are still the sounds people hear. How many drunk stories are still intoxicating for people to bring up? How the sound of handcuffs are like an ax to wood. Mental hospitals. Suicide attempts. Bipolar. Medication. Anger. Depression. Tears. Yelling. Silence. 

I haven’t always done the right thing in my life. I’ve made some horrible decisions. I hear that wood cracking around me on a daily basis from cuts past. Memories that won’t go away no matter how hard I try. Memories that keep me awake at night and no amount of tears or guilt or anger will ever make them go away. But you know what I don’t hear? My roots growing deeper and stronger because of them. 

I can’t hear my growth from all these experiences called life because the sounds of the past are so loud but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. It means not everything needs to be immediately understood. It means that instant gratification will only be a disappointment if that’s what I’m after. It means I also need to pay attention to those growing around me. 

You see, it’s easy for me to want and expect and desire and accuse. But do I do the same for those around me in return? Am I yelling ‘Watch me grow!!!’ while holding the ax of mockery and judgement against someone else’s trunk? Absolutely I have. I do. Sometimes I’m sharpening it during the conversation. I can do better. 

The thing with trees is we judge them for what we can see. What’s above ground. The important thing is what we can’t see. The roots. Just because I feel like I’m not growing upwards doesn’t mean that maybe the growth I’m needing at that moment is a firm base. Something to build upon so that when it is upward it’s based on something solid. This goes for everyone. I no more can judge the height of their tree without knowing what I can’t see. I need to do better. 

Has everyone heard me fall? Absolutely. Thank god my roots were deep enough to stand me back up. Instead of listening for the cracks in everyone maybe I need to listen to their silence. Because that’s the sound of growth. And maybe I’ll get the same in return. 

Im not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan 

It’s Not the End of the World

Sometimes or a lot of times things don’t work out in life the way I want them to. The thing about that is, at the time, I think I’ll never get over this or it’s the end of the world. How will I live without so and so in my life or I can’t take this at work anymore or fill in the blank. I’m learning I just need to breathe. 

I say I’m learning I just need to breathe because if I focus on the fact that I’m breathing then I can focus on the fact that it is not the end of the world and I will actually get over this. That one day from now will be less horrible than it was yesterday hopefully. That one week from that will be easier yet. One month. Six months. Eventually I will look back at this end all be all and realize it was temporary even though at the time it felt like a forever. 

Now I can wish things were different but as my dad used to say ‘Wish in one hand and’ well I think you get it. But all the wishing in the world won’t help me realize that I’m missing out on today’s positives if I’m focused on yesterdays problems. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m one that loves to obsess on everything and replay it a million times over while beating myself up for things I can’t change but I’m trying to make a valiant effort at change. 

I’ve learned that part of that change means letting people go not out of spite but out of respect. My wishes don’t supersede their wishes. My wishes don’t mean that I can say what I need to say so I feel

better. Same with work. It’s called work for a reason. It’s not called going to fun. Oh I have to go to pure bliss today. It’s called work. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The goal is to have more good than bad and not focus on only the bad. 

I have dug myself a hole of late that I’ve struggled to climb out of and part of that is my bipolar but some of it is my mindset as well. I can’t dwell on things I can’t change or have no control over except my reactions to them and I can grab a shovel and keep digging that hole deeper or I can figure out a way to get out of this damn hole. I’ve dug a lot of holes in my life and I’ve managed to climb out of every single one of them so I know I can do the same again this time. 

Life will never go the way I try to tell it to all of the time and I need to learn that’s ok because it has proven to me over and over again that what I think is earth shattering today ends up being a memory down the road we call life. A memory that has become a life lesson instead of a devastating end of the road. 

So as Blue October put it best:

I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re good

I hope you get what you wish for

And you’re well understood

 I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

 Ryan M Sullivan 

The Biggest Lie Ever Told

Based off my title I’ll get right to the point. I believe the biggest lie ever told is that there’s someone for everybody. There’s a soulmate just waiting for you out there. To me, that’s the equivalent of a participation ribbon at field day. It’s a feel good statement. Something that someone says to their single friend so they don’t feel bad about themselves. 

Now don’t get the wrong idea because this isn’t a pity party blog. I’m not on my knees in the middle of a rainstorm screaming at the heavens ‘why god why’ dramatically like some crappy Hallmark movie. I’m merely trying to understand how some people are able to find that one person that sticks with them thru thick and thin while others seem destined to walk this earth alone. I think about this a lot. 

On a personal level,I haven’t had a relationship last longer than 4 years and that was my marriage. The rest have been a lot less than that. Now to be brutally honest, I use to be a raging alcoholic and I have since realized that’s not something women are eagerly searching for on the old resume of relationships and I’m bipolar to boot. I’m not saying bipolar people are not worthy of love but I am saying alcoholic ones can be challenging to love. Unmedicated raging alcoholic ones slightly by a lot could possibly be more challenging. 

I grew up with perfect examples of soulmates with my grandparents and my own parents, my brother and Maria so I’m not comparing that term to, let’s say, unicorns or leprechauns but they do seem to hang out in the same places. So again I wonder what separates those from me? I know I’m not the easiest person in the world sometimes but neither was my dad or mom or grandpa or my brother…you get my point. They still have someone that had stuck by their side. 

I’m know it’s a good thing that I’ve moved on from some of my relationships but I feel I had a couple over all these years that I thought was the real deal. I believed it when they said I love you. I believed myself when i said it back. But I sit here single, writing this blog, analyzing why I’m single sitting here writing this blog. I am comfortable being single. I’m comfortable being alone. But I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t want that special someone that complimented me as a person. 

So maybe it’s me? Maybe at the end of the day I need to look in the mirror and keep evaluating my actions and expectations and see if they’re unreasonable. Maybe I’m demanding unicorns and leprechauns when I should be more realistic and look for a human that will make mistakes but on the other hand allow me to make mine as well. That is a very real possibility. I will accept blame where blame is due. I don’t have a problem being honest and critical with myself. Maybe too much so but I’d rather be that way than trying to live up to the fantasy of perfection. That’s the unicorn’s name by the way. 

So anyway, if I’m meant to walk the rest of my days alone in the sense as remaining single then alone I will walk but that means that there’s someone for everyone remains as the biggest lie ever told. I’ll be hanging out with Perfection if anyone needs me. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan

Who Am I

Who am I 

Do I even

Know anymore

I laugh

Wondering

If that’s 

Really my laugh

Or if I’ve 

Faked it so

Long

That

Maybe I

Dont have one

Maybe I

Laugh

To hide

The sadness

Like a secret

Locked away

Scared of

The knowledge 

Behind it

Look away

So you dont

See the tears

Trapped behind eyes

Closed doors

Ona

Darkened room

Trapped

With my truth

With my thoughts 

With myself 

Ive never

Hated a person

So much

I say

Out loud

To the mirror

I repeat

The lies

Ive been told

Ive believed 

Only causing

The resentment 

In myself to grow

Easier to stay

In this darkened 

Room with

The truths 

Of

Myself

Walk over

And lock

The door

Dont open it

Lose the key

Wipe the sweat

As I put

Brick after brick

Instead of 

Drying

Tear

After

Tear

Looking in

The darkest

Of corners

Where

I had to have

Lost myself

My soul

Has no light

To shine

No angel

To serve

As guardian 

Anymore

I see

An outline

Of me

Shell

Of an

Outside

With nothing

On the

Inside

Broken

Tired

Lost 

Empty

One foot

Behind the

Other

Losing progress

Every step

Of the

Way

Cursed

Trapped

With my past

Stuck in

A loop

Of reverse

Smile

It’ll get

Better

Is a smile

Still a smile

If it dies

At your lips

It’s so

Easy 

So maybe

You can carry

This burden

For me

Take the

Weight of

Carrying two

Polars

Take the

Noise of

More than one

Voice in my

Ear

Maybe you

Can battle

If what I see

Is actually real

Time to put

That smile on

Finish zipping

Up

The skin

Of what I’m 

Suppose to

Be

While covering

The uncomfortable 

Truth

Of who i

Actually am

I Don’t Need You Anymore

This is going to be very direct and to the point and to be honest, I should’ve done this years ago. 

I am tired of trying to be what everyone but myself wants me to be. I’m tired of stipulations and rules and compliance always being the clause behind friendships, girlfriends, family- everyone. I’m tired of love being held back like dog treats unless I sit, stay and roll over. 

Example number one. I’ll love my meds I’ll hate my meds. I’ll take my meds I’ll go off my meds. I understand in your world this is a huge inconvenience for you and cause for debate, your unsolicited debate, but I don’t care. I don’t give a shit. You know why? Because my bipolar isn’t about you. I struggle with it everyday, not you. You may struggle with the affects it has on me or the biproduct of but you have no clue what the actual struggle of bipolar is so until you do the last thing I’ll accept from you is your judgement. Don’t like it, don’t stick around. It’s pretty simple in my world. If this sounds selfish it’s because it is. I should’ve been more selfish a long time ago. 

Example two. I have struggled off and on for as long as I can remember with alcohol. I have never claimed I’ll be perfect. That I won’t fall off the wagon. I feel I’ve done amazing for awhile now but that might change today and then tomorrow could be better. That’s my world and I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I have a few beers from time to time. I’ll continue to have a few beers from time to time. Your opinion on the matter is exactly that, an opinion, and believe it or not I don’t have to agree with said opinion. You don’t have to agree with my opinion on the matter but I am no longer open to discussing it. Don’t like that, not my problem. 

There’s plenty of other examples but I think you’re getting my point. This blog is long overdue. I have lived the last 44 years trying so hard to make everyone around me happy that I forgot to ask myself if I was happy. Well I’m not but I will be. Because I am now making this about me. I deserve to be happy.  I’m done being told I’m a piece of shit. I’m done being told I’m a shitty dad because I refuse to be mentally and verbally assaulted for mistakes made in the past. I’m human and I’m far from perfect but I’m done paying for my sins. I’m done conforming and molding and fitting into boxes made by others and trying to be what everyone else wants me to be at the cost of my sanity. At the cost of my happiness. No wonder I don’t know who I am anymore because I literally don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve been too busy being what everyone else wanted me to be. That bullshit stops here. 

If this blog offends you then maybe you’re part of my problem. You can excuse yourself from the table. I choose happiness despite your feelings on the matter. Despite what makes you uncomfortable or disappointed or uneasy or any other descriptors I’ve heard over the years. That is your problem, not mine. I may spend the rest of my life by myself sitting in my apartment and that will be worlds better than constantly shifting to what makes everyone happy but myself. I choose happiness and I choose me. If you choose not to be a part of that I am perfectly fine with that. My happiness isn’t based off of how many people I can call friends.

 So I am done with one-sided friendships, one-sided relationships and trying to be what you need me to be to be happy at the expense of my own happiness. I am at the brink of losing my sanity and I refuse to do all this shit any longer. So if you want to be my friend or more and my happiness is just as important as yours then hi my name is Ryan. If not, I’m perfectly fine with remaining strangers and you can keep on walking. I’m done. I’m over it and I refuse to budge. It’s time to be happy again. Period. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan

There Is No Forever

I’m struggling 

I want

To scream

While I laugh

Out loud

Invisible tears

Flow

While I put on

My smile 

Got to let

Everyone

Know

Everything is ok

Feelings go

Unheard

With no one 

To listen

My mind

Battles

Hours upon hours

With no outcome

No resolve

No solution 

Keep it to

Yourself

Don't be a bother 

My opinion differs

From yours

So I’m not privy

To your world

Anymore

If only I mold

Myself into

Everything

Everyone

Wants me to

Be then maybe

I’ll completely 

Lose who I am

If only I wasn’t me

Then maybe I’d be

Something

Worthy compared

To valuable 

I’d be worth

Your time

Envious of those

You hold dear

To remember

That feeling 

Of being

Important

How long

Until

I finally

Break

Maybe that’s 

What you’re 

After

Leave me

Beaten

Broken

In pieces

Before you

Move on

Overthink

While you

Give it no

Thought at all

What was

Left of me

To give

Is

Now

Gone

Maybe never

To be found

I fell

For the

Promises

Of forever

When I should

Know

Forever doesn’t 

Exist

They are

As empty

As the 

Words 

Spoken

I got

Stuck holding

The bag

Filled with

The years

Of sins

Committed

By another

Yet still

Expected

To atone

For them

So busy

Proving

You can do

What you

Want

That you forgot

I wasn’t 

The one

Who had

Been holding

You down

All those

Years

Stuck

On making

Up for

Lost time

Going after

Some lost

Youth

Chasing some

Freedom

All of which

Had been locked

But I was never

Holding the key

But I sit

At home

Bearing the

Punishment

Of the sins

I did not 

Commit

So you can

Shove it in

The face

Of the one

Who isn’t 

Paying attention

I can’t beg

Anymore and

Not for some

Resemblance

Of pride

Because I no

Longer know

What that looks

Like but

Because I’m 

Tired

Exhausted

A shell

A shell 

Of a person

That loved you

That said

Forever

Forever and

A day

To the moon

And back

Without knowing

Forever isn’t 

Very long and

The moon a short trip

And so

I will

Walk one way

While you

Run the other

I walk 

Not ready

To leave you behind

While you

Run

Never a

Second thought I’m 

Already a distant past

The Darkness In the Light

Sometimes on the brightest days all I can see is the dark. I open the fridge and nothing looks good. I turn on the TV and can't decide on what to watch. I get to the front door just to put my keys back down. Turn on one of my gaming systems just to shut it off before the game even loads. Four walls are the only decision I can make. 

Have you ever laughed and wondered if that's actually your real laugh or if you've faked it so long that you don't think you even have a real laugh anymore? Maybe conversations are just something that you're suppose to have so you've learned over time the right social cues to react to to say the right thing? More like you're an actor than a real person in life. Maybe. Not even sure about that most times it seems. Not sure about most things anymore. 

I spend more and more time with myself than anyone else. I think I've become antisocial for self-preservation. I can't handle things anymore like I use to like ignorance and the mundane. The senseless conversations along with the complaining without conscious effort to make change. So in comes the self-preservation part. I have a notorious problem with keeping my thoughts to myself. With evaluating everything said, seperating the legit from the bullshit and then speaking my mind. I've learned a lot of people don't dig that. The thing is, I do that to myself constantly and treat myself worse than anyone else ever could so I guess I don't take feelings into account. Just the grating fingernails on the chalkboard feeling I get listening to it. 

I know I sound like an ass and hell I probably am. I just don't know how to function in day to day situations anymore I guess. If there's a problem, fix it. Pretty simple in my world. Maybe I'm losing my empathy but to empathize with someone you have to be able to relate in some way and I guess I just don't anymore. 

So these are just a small glimpse of things that trouble me. A lot. I feel like I can't be myself around people because I have nothing in common with most people anymore. I try to self-reflect constantly. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I try not to be cynical but as you can see that's still a work in progress. Perfection is unattainable sadly but sitting around in your own crap complaining that it smells like crap hasn't solved any problems that I'm aware of either. If you've made it this far into the blog just know that this is my opinion on everything. Despite the world around me, I will always hold onto my right to have one. Good thing is, you have the right not to agree with it. 

With this all being said or vomitted or rambled or however you want to label it, I do battle myself with the problem of wanting to become a complete recluse every single day. There's comfort in silence. In enjoying your own company. But at what cost? Regrets that hit later in life? Not being able to choose to be alone because that's the only choice I have? Where I work, I have the entire plant to myself all night long for 12 hours and it's absolutely amazing. I'm going to have to train the new guys the routines for night shift and you know what troubles me the most? It's not that I don't know what I'm doing or how to train... it's the anxiety of being stuck with someone for 12 hours that's going to want to have conversations and be social. Changing my routine to fit theirs. Dammit. 

I know I'm tired so my rose colored glasses have become clear but I find life exhausting and there's something therapeutic about closing the door to the outside world. My goal is to make sure there's still a door there instead of only four walls. To make sure that door still opens to those I love because one day I may open it only to find four more walls. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan