I'm Me and I'm Fine With That

It's taken me a long time to be ok with me. I'm fine with not being what others think the version of me should be.

I admit I've had some actions in my past that were unacceptable. The anger. Making those around me suffer because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for my bipolar and stay on my meds. For never being honest I have bipolar in the first place. I did that to a person I was with for over two years and I put her through hell.I've left people in my past hurt, broken and maybe worse off for having ever meet me in the first place. I could be cruel, vindictive, insecure and many other things that I can't apologize enough for.

I try not to let the past own my present and future but it's hard. It's hard on one hand because I'm my own worst enemy. My mind is a weapon that's always loaded and I can't help myself but to constantly pull the trigger on memories that can't be forgotten. As you know, I love to obsess on things and analyze where things went wrong, what could I have done different, what can I do to change certain behaviors I have? I self-evaluate all the time because I do want to be a better person.

On the other hand though, I've realized I cannot and will not mold myself in to what another person's perception of me should be. That's the dilemma, or my dilemma anyway, of being so open and honest about my bipolar. I now feel like everything I do is put under a microscope and attributed to my bipolar. I refuse to use my bipolar as a crutch for my actions and own responsibility of them but it seems once I laid those crutches down, some beat me over the head with them.

Do you ever feel like being alone and read a book or enjoy your own company? So do I. Have you ever had a hard day at work and you just want to relax and call it an early night? So have I. Has something justifiably made you angry, upset, sad, happy...basically any human emotion at all? Nailed it, same here.

My point is I know being bipolar can give me actions or behaviors that aren't considered within the norm of society but I'm still human. I still have those emotions that everyone experiences and I'm not going to apologize for them. I'm not going to be a science experiment with everything I do analyzed under a microscope so it can be labeled or explained off as bipolar. I get sad but it doesn't mean I'm depressed. I enjoy my alone time but it doesn't mean I'm a recluse. I get angry but it doesn't mean I'm having an 'episode'. I laugh and get excited but it doesn't mean I'm manic.

I appreciate the friends I have and my amazing family. I know I am truly blessed and I try not to take that for granted anymore. I work on my behaviors every day so that I don't hurt or weak havoc on those same people I have taken for granted for so long. But I'm human. I've dealt with real emotions from them without trying to explain it off or slap a label to it. Sometimes the simplest of explanations is like we've all heard before when such things occur..."We're all human afterall"

I've made leaps and bounds of the person I was before. I've made huge strides of progress. I'm on my medication. I try every single day to not be that person I was before and you know what? I'm succeeding. So I may not be perfect but I'm sure as hell more than just bipolar. I guess what I'm getting at is I'm me and I'm fine with that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Remembered Past, Forgotten Future

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I chose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The classes
Are
Deep
Can't
Change
Overnight

Not A Big Fan

This time of year is hard to deal with. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yup I said it. Bah humbug and shame on me, right?

My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving and it's hard to associate the holiday with anything but that for me. Yes I still have the rest of my family to be thankful for but now there's a void that can never be filled for me. His absence is ever present.

Christmas doesn't hold pleasant memories for me during my adult life. It's a time of nothing but stress and bad memories. Feeling like I wasn't able to provide a good enough Christmas for my kids when I was down and out. Feeling like I was a let down to people around me. I cringe when Christmas comes around. I'm sure some of it is in my head only but that doesn't make it any less intolerable.

So then comes my bipolar. My meds this round are helping but not entirely. I've been obsessing and feel myself getting depressed, especially when I'm left alone with myself. I try not to let it consume me but the harder I try the more I think about it. I wish we could go from October straight to January.

I start living in the past. I obsess over it. I know logically I can't change it but that doesn't mean the holidays don't still haunt me. It makes me irritable, angry. It makes me sad for things I've missed out on memory wise with my kids. I disappeared for a few years and wasn't in their life. That's hard to admit but it's the truth. That's what the holidays mean to me.

I've been talking about it in therapy but haven't divulged the full extent of it. It's too hard to voice these things. I want to disappear. I know I need to let go of the past but my mind won't let me and it's about to drive me crazy. I didn't sleep last night. Hello manic...where have you been old friend? I have medicine that will help it go away but I couldn't make myself take it last night. I felt like I didn't deserve to sleep, that I needed to think about all of it. To punish myself. That's the old Ryan and he won last night. Bring honest is the only way to change my behavior. I know better than to fall into that place again. I know there's just as many negatives as I convince myself of the positives of being manic.

I'm struggling with this. Things have been going great and I don't want to backpedal. But I miss aspects of unmedicated Ryan. Those around me don't. Those around me keep telling me how good I'm doing and the great changes they've noticed but I don't want to think about that because in my mind I'm on top of the world and will eventually think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread the more manic I get. I'll be able to do anything and accomplish great things. Unless you've experienced that I'm sure it makes zero sense to you. I understand that.

So I took my medication this morning. I'll take it tonight along with my Zyprexa. I don't want to but I know I need to. I know I've got a battle with myself tonight and I'm not looking forward to it because what if old Ryan wins. Then I'm letting myself and those around me down. Then all of this progress was for nothing. I guess it's time to go to battle with the old Ryan until only one of us is left standing tonight. I'm pretty bullheaded so I see me winning this battle. Tonight is what I'm thinking about. One step at a time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Life Keeps Getting Better

It doesn't seem real that I'm on meds I love and have zero desire to quit taking them. That's a huge first for me and it feels great.

For the first time, I'm on medication that has leveled me out plus allows me to feel human at the same time. I don't feel like a zombie going through the motions of life. I don't want to sleep all day. I have energy. I'm working and loving what I'm doing. I have proper emotions. Things I haven't completely been able to do on my other medications in the past.

It's helped me to slow down just enough to not make snap decisions or reactions. My temper has dramatically reduced and the way I react to situations that arise aren't taken to drastic measures. It's not all or nothing, I'm actually seeing the gray areas of life.

I haven't been manic in awhile and as dumb as it sounds I do miss it or parts of it anyway. I loved the seemingly never ending well of energy and ideas. The lack of needing sleep. The ideas burst of creativity I felt. I don't miss the irresponsible decision making or lack of attention span. It's nice to be able to sit down and read a book or journal again. To watch a movie from start to finish.

I've been able to sit back and look at situations I've been thru lately and can actually notice the changes myself which I think helps me want to take my meds. When normally I would've blown my top, I've stepped back and thought it thru before reacting. I'm easing up on my OCD like obsession with time and schedules. I'm noticing change and that's a good feeling. So many other things I could cover that I've noticed but the point is the meds are helping. Do I still struggle with it? Absolutely. But it's getting better and that makes all the trials and wrong meds make the right ones worth the wait.

So if you're frustrated, hang in there. Don't give up. Keep looking for and asking for different medications. Look for a different doctor or psychiatrist if need be. That's your right. You are the one dealing with your bipolar or anxiety or depression or whatever it may be so only you can decide if you're getting what's needed for you. It can take awhile and be frustrating as all get out but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Therapy, medication and surrounding myself with good people has made a huge difference for myself and I highly recommend it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

And So I Walk

Words
When put
Together right
Can
Cut
Deeper
Than A sword
We're laughing
At you
Not with
You
If you had
Any doubts

But I'm
An adult
Dealing with
Grown children
So it
Hurts less
Right?
Their
Ignorance
Should
Be
My
Burden

Why is
The
Explanation
Needed?
Why is it
Up to me
To make
It
A
Given?
Why
Does it
Still hurt?

I'm a grown
Man
So deal
With it
Shrug it
Off
Words hurt
Less and
Hold less
Meaning
I guess
Nobody
Told me

My personal
Struggle
Isn't enough
I must
Also have
To shoulder
Their
Insecurities
Carry the
Weight of
My bipolar
World along
With ignorance

My shoulders
Are tired
The weight
Beating me
Down
I see light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Just for it
To be snuffed
Out
Over and
Over again

I still
Walk forward
One step
At a time
Slowly trying
To find
That light
Again
Refusing
To
Lay
Down
Again

I
Am
Me
I
Am
Not
A
Reflection
Of
You
And
So
I
Walk

Your Ignorance Doesn't Make Me Less Of A Person

I've had a trying week. I've had a frustrating week. The ignorance of people never ceases to amaze me. It never will so I push forward and continue on.

My meds were doubled and when that happens it takes me a few days to transition and it puts me in a fog. I become quiet, super calm and distant. I'm not the funny, energized Ryan I normally am. This makes those around me uncomfortable. Especially this week because of the reaction I got. I was constantly asked if I was mad. What's wrong? Why aren't you joking with us? I assured them I want mad but that wasn't good enough so I decided to be honest with them about my medication. About my bipolar. I thought hey, I'm not embarrassed of my diagnosis and I could educate. We're adults and can act as such. Nope.

The jokes started. I was actually asked if I was going to freak out. I'm not going to come to work and shoot everyone am I? Do I hear things or see things and start talking to people that aren't there am I? I can laugh with people but I can't take being laughed at. There's a huge difference. So every time I had valid feelings or got frustrated because of what I was doing it was watch it Ryan's going to freak out and lose his shit because I'm bipolar after all.

What I don't understand is I was a valid person with valid feelings to them until I was honest about my bipolar. Suddenly I was less of a person that deserved to be ridiculed and made fun of. In their minds anyway. I'm above and beyond that line of thinking now. I am not in control of their ignorance but I am in control of how I react to it. I actually felt pity. I felt disappointed in their stupidity.

The flip side is I was proud of being honest even though the outcome was more than disappointing. As dumb as it sounds, I was proud of myself for talking about it and I still will. The stigma is still there. But I continue to chip away at it one day at a time. I will not be embarrassed of something i can't control having. But I can control myself, my reactions to it. I'm doing the right thing talking medication even though they literally told me to quit taking them because I was more fun off of them. The old Ryan would have. The new Ryan doesn't give a shit what they think because the new Ryan is confident and doesn't take ignorance to heart and look at it as a reflection of myself. I look at it that people are still uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not uncomfortable. That's on them.

Ignorance and stigma are still very real and very alive in our society. The difference is I don't let it affect me or define me as a person anymore. I have taken the right steps and I've stuck with it. Being bipolar isn't something I asked for but I refuse to let it be my label so in that note....

I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar
R. M. Sully

A Much Needed Break

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written but i took a much needed break fir awhile. September was full of stress and anxiety and it all added up to me disappearing for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, September wasn't a bad month but i had to get out of my comfort zone a few times and it was harder than i thought it would be. I was the lived experience speaker for Beacon for Hope at the walk held at Jones Park here in Emporia, KS. It was truly an honor to be a part of that but i wasn't expecting the flood of emotions that surfaced while trying to give my talk. I had a 15 minute talk planned and I'm not sure i made it to 5. The support of my family, friends and community still overwhelm me with how accepting and open-armed they are.

So i went charging ahead and did another thing completely out of my comfort level and that was to not only go out of state but to encounter the airport as well. I got on a plane and flew to Denver, Colorado.

I don't know if you've ever been in the airport at Denver but it's like walking Emporia on foot inside a building sizewise. People everywhere, loud and constant commotion. Sensory overload to say the least but i did it. I took the trip so i could do some photography and i wasn't disappointed. The beauty there and the surrounding cities is breathtaking. I will definitely go back.

I think all the excitement took a toll though. I battled a bout of depression last week that lasted a few days but seemed like a lifetime. I eventually shut myself in the house Saturday and Sunday and didn't leave. I ordered pizza so i wouldn't have to leave my house and i slept or attempted to watch movies. I didn't have the attention span or care to journal or read...both things i love to do.

This week has been much better. I feel like myself again and I've made plans with Sarah Sunshine for Saturday and I'm looking forward to a day full of laughing and goofing off. A much needed day of that i must admit.

It sucks going thru the down sides of bipolar but the positive thing for me is i know it's not forever. It feels like forever when I'm going thru it but in the back of my mind i tell myself this too will pass. I try not to dwell on the negative but look forward to when I'll be myself again. I use to let it consume me and i think that lead to my downs lasting longer and negativity to really get it's claws in me. I'm not downplaying how hard bipolar or depression can be at all so please don't get me wrong. I know there's people that constantly struggle and my heart goes out you. I've been lucky enough to finally find a med guy that has me on the right meds at the right dosage and that has helped tremendously. It feels like i was lucky enough to find the needle in the haystack.

So the last month was stressful and out of my comfort zone but do i regret it? Not one bit. I'd do it all over again if given the choice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully