It’s All Lies

I spend about 99% of my personal time alone these days and it affords me a lot of time to think and reflect. I’ve come to the realization that most of life and what I personally have learned of mental illness is all lies. Don’t worry, I’ll clarify. 

We’ve been taught that life is at its fullest when we’re surrounded by friends and have that one special person by our side that we can spend our life with. But the lessons I’ve learned from those teachings are that everyone cares about their own happiness and as long as you conform to whatever makes them happy 100% of the time then you are worthy, your friendship is cherished and you’ll be loved to the moon and back forever and a day. Now let that not be the case, their eternal 100% happiness, then you are belittled, not given a second thought and dragged to the curb like yesterday’s trash. And heaven help you if you stand up for yourself and say you don’t want to be treated like the way they say they don’t want to be treated either. Oops I made the mistake of being concerned about my own well-being. I need to think about what I’ve done and probably apologize as well. 

If I sound bitter then you’re reading this right because I am. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t want to try to understand people anymore. There’s no give and take, no working on anything anymore, no meaning to words or promises or integrity or honesty. It’s all about instant gratification. It’s about being a friend only if they get what they want. I know what you’ve been saying you want in a friendship Ryan but that’s your problem. Your wishes will be discarded because, well, we don’t care. 

Relationships are no different. It’s I’ll tell you what you want to hear if it means I get what I want. Then when I don’t need that from you anymore, no big deal, I’ll throw you away and go get it from someone else. But while we’re together, all my past traumas are valid, I have every right to make you pay for them and you’d better be 100% supportive of my needs and wants. I deserve to do whatever I want because I haven’t been able to for the last x amount of years. I know that’s thru choices of my own but I still need you to bear that cross Ryan because, well, no one else will. I need you to be perfect at all times because if you aren’t then I’m leaving. So it looks like I’ll be leaving, sorry about the whole forever part not working out…byeeeee. 

So here comes the mental illness part. I’ve had it shoved down my throat that medication is what’s best for ME. RYAN will feel better if I’M medicated. Bullshit. I’m better for those around me if I’m medicated. I don’t speak my feelings as much when I’m medicated. I don’t get angry at legitimate things that would make anyone angry if I’m medicated. I don’t stick up for myself as much if I’m medicated. So once again I’m to do what’s best for others. I have constantly said I hate my meds but that never matters because it’s always followed up with the whole that’s what’s best for you Ryan. Is it though? Is it honestly what’s best for me or is it what’s best for you?

The way I look at it, I’ve pretty much cut everyone out of my life at this point besides family and maybe a couple of people so nobody really has to worry about their rules for me anymore. Or their expectations. They can all pretty much continue worrying about themselves. I know this isn’t all upbeat and positive but I don’t care. Neither is the reality of life. Blame it on my meds if that makes you feel better. I have learned that if I have nobody in my life then nobody can hurt me. There’s a look at my reality, and honestly, I am perfectly fine with it. I no more owe an explanation for my choices for my life than the next person. When I hear someone give their opinion or have a legitimate reason to be upset, never once have I walked up to them and said ‘Hey are you supposed to be on medication, and if so, are you taking them?’ 

So take this post with a grain of salt. Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t. This is genuinely how I feel about everything right now and putting it into words is what helps me. This is my therapy. Because that’s what I need to feel better and what I need is now my priority. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Mind Full (Poetry)

Mind full

I write

And

More

Takes it’s 

Place

Knee bouncing

Brain

Throbbing 

Downplay

The

Amount of

Feelings

I’m fine

Can’t seem

To make

The

Reality of

The situation 

Disappear

No matter

How many 

Versions of

The story

I play

I

Convince

You

But somebody 

Please

Convince me

Let me

Obsess

Over this

As

Well

Pretty

Please

Why

Is the

Question that’s 

My

Constant

Hold my

Sanity

While

I display

The insanity

Of

The

Situation

Why did

I live

Why did

Others

Die 

How could

I have

Done 

Things

Differently 

Why am

I

Asking

Angry

So

I should

Punish you

For the

Crimes

I’ve committed

So I 

Have one

More

Notch 

Of

Guilt

If I obsess

Then I can

Change

The past

Bleed it

Out onto

Paper

So

That

Time

Ceases

Along with

My crimes

Instead

Stuck

Doomed to

Relive

Over and over

So that

The cuts

Never 

Scab

Leaving

The

Past

To bleed

I love

The way

You hate

Me

I scream

At the

Man in

The mirror

As he

Looks

Back

With

Approval

Glass

Shatters

So I

Know

Which

Me

Is real

Confused

On which

Side

I

Was

Standing

I still

See me

In the

Fragments 

Realizing

I’ll always

Be both 

That bipolar

Means two

Ryan’s 

A hand

Constantly on

The other’s throat

Who is 

The winner

With the

Loser

Easier to

Crown

Switching

Places

Daily

With the

Hour hand

Always ready

To strike

Straight jacket 

Can’t be

Seen

But still

Binds

Just as

Tight

Banging

Head

Hoping

To bleed

It all

Away

Medicine 

Maintains

But doesn’t 

Fix

No cure

They say

Heartfelt 

Sympathy 

Goes a

Long way

To a 

Place

Called nowhere 

Anger 

Steams

From pores

With no

Resolution 

Which

In

Turn

Causes

Anger

The 

Dreaded 

Constant

Endless

Cycle

Swallow

Glass

So I

Answer

With kindness

Slam pills

Before

Mind

Is changed

Steps

In baby

Form in

The right direction

I draw 

My

Paintings

Of pain

With

Words

Broad

Strokes

To

Cover

Every

Inch

Of canvas

Hoping for

Change

Skin

Silent

With brain

Tagging along

Striving

For what

I

Interpret 

Normal

To

Be

So I’ll 

Sit

Watching

Skin

Ripple

While pills

Hit

Bottom

Hoping

Needing

That today

Is that

Day

A Tale of Lies and Broken Promises

If I yell out

Until I lose

My voice

If I can’t speak

Of it

Does that mean

The pain

Is

Gone

Will the

Anger

Follow 

Suit

Put blame

Where it

Belongs

I wear it

Like a

Medal

Because 

A con

Can’t

Run their 

Game without

A

Participant 

I saw you

For what

You

Really are

Instead of

The mirage

You present

But once

The dust

Fell from my

Heart I focused 

On the beating

Blindly

Common sense

Raged a

Losing battle

Knowing the

Consequences 

Of actions

Doomed to

Watch from

Afar

Until the

Final strap

Broke from the

Mask you wear

You have

Taught me

Love

To the 

Point

That if

That’s what

Love

Is

I hope

Nobody ever

Tells me

They love me again

You told

Me

I was different

I am

But it was

You that needed

To be different

Instead of

Changing scenery

While

Staying

The same

Wear that

Sheeps

Clothing

Tailored 

To a 

Perfect

Fit

While walking

Amongst

Your victims

Without

A 

Conscience 

I wanted 

So badly

To

Believe 

That somebody 

Could love me

I turned 

A

Blind

Eye

To

Everything 

Else

Red flags

Used 

As

Decorations

Lies

Told

To

Fill the

Silence

With 

Noise

I’m to

Blame

I know

The games

I’m not

Naïve 

Wishing for

Something 

While

Knowing the

Truth

Doesn’t 

Make

Me

An

Innocent 

So add me

To the list

Of people

That made

You a

Victim

And I’ll 

Add you

To the

List of

People I 

Wish I 

Never knew

Hear Me Fall

​I read a response to a post the other day that has stuck with me. ‘Nobody hears a tree grow but everyone hears it when it falls’. Damn. I mean, well, damn.

It was like being throat punched because I was left speechless with a flood  of emotions and memories. More like a tidal wave. Such a powerful and emotional statement in so few of words. 

I got to thinking of my life. Of stupid things I’ve done. Mistakes I’ve made. And I thought of how many times when I fell, those are still the sounds people hear. How many drunk stories are still intoxicating for people to bring up? How the sound of handcuffs are like an ax to wood. Mental hospitals. Suicide attempts. Bipolar. Medication. Anger. Depression. Tears. Yelling. Silence. 

I haven’t always done the right thing in my life. I’ve made some horrible decisions. I hear that wood cracking around me on a daily basis from cuts past. Memories that won’t go away no matter how hard I try. Memories that keep me awake at night and no amount of tears or guilt or anger will ever make them go away. But you know what I don’t hear? My roots growing deeper and stronger because of them. 

I can’t hear my growth from all these experiences called life because the sounds of the past are so loud but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. It means not everything needs to be immediately understood. It means that instant gratification will only be a disappointment if that’s what I’m after. It means I also need to pay attention to those growing around me. 

You see, it’s easy for me to want and expect and desire and accuse. But do I do the same for those around me in return? Am I yelling ‘Watch me grow!!!’ while holding the ax of mockery and judgement against someone else’s trunk? Absolutely I have. I do. Sometimes I’m sharpening it during the conversation. I can do better. 

The thing with trees is we judge them for what we can see. What’s above ground. The important thing is what we can’t see. The roots. Just because I feel like I’m not growing upwards doesn’t mean that maybe the growth I’m needing at that moment is a firm base. Something to build upon so that when it is upward it’s based on something solid. This goes for everyone. I no more can judge the height of their tree without knowing what I can’t see. I need to do better. 

Has everyone heard me fall? Absolutely. Thank god my roots were deep enough to stand me back up. Instead of listening for the cracks in everyone maybe I need to listen to their silence. Because that’s the sound of growth. And maybe I’ll get the same in return. 

Im not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan 

It’s Not the End of the World

Sometimes or a lot of times things don’t work out in life the way I want them to. The thing about that is, at the time, I think I’ll never get over this or it’s the end of the world. How will I live without so and so in my life or I can’t take this at work anymore or fill in the blank. I’m learning I just need to breathe. 

I say I’m learning I just need to breathe because if I focus on the fact that I’m breathing then I can focus on the fact that it is not the end of the world and I will actually get over this. That one day from now will be less horrible than it was yesterday hopefully. That one week from that will be easier yet. One month. Six months. Eventually I will look back at this end all be all and realize it was temporary even though at the time it felt like a forever. 

Now I can wish things were different but as my dad used to say ‘Wish in one hand and’ well I think you get it. But all the wishing in the world won’t help me realize that I’m missing out on today’s positives if I’m focused on yesterdays problems. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m one that loves to obsess on everything and replay it a million times over while beating myself up for things I can’t change but I’m trying to make a valiant effort at change. 

I’ve learned that part of that change means letting people go not out of spite but out of respect. My wishes don’t supersede their wishes. My wishes don’t mean that I can say what I need to say so I feel

better. Same with work. It’s called work for a reason. It’s not called going to fun. Oh I have to go to pure bliss today. It’s called work. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The goal is to have more good than bad and not focus on only the bad. 

I have dug myself a hole of late that I’ve struggled to climb out of and part of that is my bipolar but some of it is my mindset as well. I can’t dwell on things I can’t change or have no control over except my reactions to them and I can grab a shovel and keep digging that hole deeper or I can figure out a way to get out of this damn hole. I’ve dug a lot of holes in my life and I’ve managed to climb out of every single one of them so I know I can do the same again this time. 

Life will never go the way I try to tell it to all of the time and I need to learn that’s ok because it has proven to me over and over again that what I think is earth shattering today ends up being a memory down the road we call life. A memory that has become a life lesson instead of a devastating end of the road. 

So as Blue October put it best:

I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re good

I hope you get what you wish for

And you’re well understood

 I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

 Ryan M Sullivan 

The Biggest Lie Ever Told

Based off my title I’ll get right to the point. I believe the biggest lie ever told is that there’s someone for everybody. There’s a soulmate just waiting for you out there. To me, that’s the equivalent of a participation ribbon at field day. It’s a feel good statement. Something that someone says to their single friend so they don’t feel bad about themselves. 

Now don’t get the wrong idea because this isn’t a pity party blog. I’m not on my knees in the middle of a rainstorm screaming at the heavens ‘why god why’ dramatically like some crappy Hallmark movie. I’m merely trying to understand how some people are able to find that one person that sticks with them thru thick and thin while others seem destined to walk this earth alone. I think about this a lot. 

On a personal level,I haven’t had a relationship last longer than 4 years and that was my marriage. The rest have been a lot less than that. Now to be brutally honest, I use to be a raging alcoholic and I have since realized that’s not something women are eagerly searching for on the old resume of relationships and I’m bipolar to boot. I’m not saying bipolar people are not worthy of love but I am saying alcoholic ones can be challenging to love. Unmedicated raging alcoholic ones slightly by a lot could possibly be more challenging. 

I grew up with perfect examples of soulmates with my grandparents and my own parents, my brother and Maria so I’m not comparing that term to, let’s say, unicorns or leprechauns but they do seem to hang out in the same places. So again I wonder what separates those from me? I know I’m not the easiest person in the world sometimes but neither was my dad or mom or grandpa or my brother…you get my point. They still have someone that had stuck by their side. 

I’m know it’s a good thing that I’ve moved on from some of my relationships but I feel I had a couple over all these years that I thought was the real deal. I believed it when they said I love you. I believed myself when i said it back. But I sit here single, writing this blog, analyzing why I’m single sitting here writing this blog. I am comfortable being single. I’m comfortable being alone. But I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t want that special someone that complimented me as a person. 

So maybe it’s me? Maybe at the end of the day I need to look in the mirror and keep evaluating my actions and expectations and see if they’re unreasonable. Maybe I’m demanding unicorns and leprechauns when I should be more realistic and look for a human that will make mistakes but on the other hand allow me to make mine as well. That is a very real possibility. I will accept blame where blame is due. I don’t have a problem being honest and critical with myself. Maybe too much so but I’d rather be that way than trying to live up to the fantasy of perfection. That’s the unicorn’s name by the way. 

So anyway, if I’m meant to walk the rest of my days alone in the sense as remaining single then alone I will walk but that means that there’s someone for everyone remains as the biggest lie ever told. I’ll be hanging out with Perfection if anyone needs me. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan

Who Am I

Who am I 

Do I even

Know anymore

I laugh

Wondering

If that’s 

Really my laugh

Or if I’ve 

Faked it so

Long

That

Maybe I

Dont have one

Maybe I

Laugh

To hide

The sadness

Like a secret

Locked away

Scared of

The knowledge 

Behind it

Look away

So you dont

See the tears

Trapped behind eyes

Closed doors

Ona

Darkened room

Trapped

With my truth

With my thoughts 

With myself 

Ive never

Hated a person

So much

I say

Out loud

To the mirror

I repeat

The lies

Ive been told

Ive believed 

Only causing

The resentment 

In myself to grow

Easier to stay

In this darkened 

Room with

The truths 

Of

Myself

Walk over

And lock

The door

Dont open it

Lose the key

Wipe the sweat

As I put

Brick after brick

Instead of 

Drying

Tear

After

Tear

Looking in

The darkest

Of corners

Where

I had to have

Lost myself

My soul

Has no light

To shine

No angel

To serve

As guardian 

Anymore

I see

An outline

Of me

Shell

Of an

Outside

With nothing

On the

Inside

Broken

Tired

Lost 

Empty

One foot

Behind the

Other

Losing progress

Every step

Of the

Way

Cursed

Trapped

With my past

Stuck in

A loop

Of reverse

Smile

It’ll get

Better

Is a smile

Still a smile

If it dies

At your lips

It’s so

Easy 

So maybe

You can carry

This burden

For me

Take the

Weight of

Carrying two

Polars

Take the

Noise of

More than one

Voice in my

Ear

Maybe you

Can battle

If what I see

Is actually real

Time to put

That smile on

Finish zipping

Up

The skin

Of what I’m 

Suppose to

Be

While covering

The uncomfortable 

Truth

Of who i

Actually am