Everything Happens For A Reason and Other Clichés I Hate

Don't you love it when something happens in your life and someone's response to you is everything happens for a reason?

I absolutely love it. I want to thank them for their obvious enlightenment on everything spiritual and for discovering the secret to the universe. I did not know they had been chosen as keymaster because if i had i surely would've thrown them a party or something. But whatever will be, will be.

If i sound angry i apologize. I need to learn to let the cards fall as they may because i can't force things to happen the way i thought they would since patience is a virtue. I mean seriously, it is what it is and hind-site truly is 20/20. I'm amazed i was able to get this paragraph to merge together so smooth but hey, even a broken watch is right twice a day. You never know what the future will bring.

Ok i think you smell what I'm stepping in and we're all guilty of using clichés with our friends when things go south in their life, myself included. The reason it irritates me is because they're 100% correct. Time heals all things. How can one even begin to argue against that tidbit of information? We live in a world of instant gratification and by God i don't have time to let time do it's thing. It strikes a nerve because i know that no matter how i try to control the situation, i have zero control over it and letting go of the wheel is hard to do. It can't be ordered, controlled, manipulated one way or another and as a human i can't freaking stand that.

I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride next time i feel like something has gone off course of what i thought was a sure thing whether it pertain to work or my house or friendships or just life in general because no matter how badly i want to be the captain of this voyage we call life, sometimes things are out of my control and i have to sit back and wait to see why it happened for a reason. Because everything happens for a reason just in case you didn't know that.

I met with Melissa from Beacon of Hope again so I'll be updating some exciting news and events pertaining to that next time. Everyone enjoy their family and friends this weekend and Happy Easter!!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Trash Day and Time To Take That Garbage To the Curb

Sometimes i get filled with negativity and it gets so abundant that it's hard to find the positives in life. That's not good for anyone. Ever.

I really contemplated my life over the last week and started asking myself why i felt so negative towards things. Why am i not focusing on the positives in my life? I didn't really have an answer for myself so i forced myself to have a sit down chat with myself until i could answer that question. It had great results.

I compartmentalized what i considered negative and why i found it negative. I then started thinking of how it could be a positive instead. I looked at the bright side of these situations instead of the bad. I looked at all the good things i have going in my life. I started seeing a brighter future.

I know i hit on being positive or my struggle with it a lot but i need to. Whatever goes in comes out. I'm talking about thoughts here not food sickos. If i look at things negatively then it's only common sense that i will react in a negative way. Negativity is addicting and turns toxic real quick. It's hard to get out of once it gets rolling.

Now on the flip side i decided to start getting positive. I started turning the negatives into positives. Instead of dwelling on things not going how i wanted or things in the past i can't change, i looked at what it meant for the present and future. I asked myself is any of this going to bring my life to a screeching halt and be the end of the world as i know it? The answer every single time was no.

I don't have to like how the cards fall every time but i also don't have to let it knock me back to square one either. I don't have to let it discount progress I've made or changes that have made me a better person. My life doesnt have to be perfect 100% of the time. I don't have to be perfect. Live and learn, move past things and don't forget to keep living. Find things to laugh about and keep smiling even over the smallest of things because that too becomes addictive. Perfection is boring and i like the fact that i obviously am far from being a boring person and i hope i never become one.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I'm tired
One foot
In front of the other
But I want
To sit down
Stop

So many battles
No apparent outcome
Nobody wins
Everybody loses
To win is to lose
To lose is only more loss

Existing
That's what life
Is all about
Be what you're not
Hoping no-one sees
What you are

Open up
Change
Useless
Pointless
For who?
For nothing

Walk that path
Try a different route
Discover new scenery
False sense of security
Excitement
Just to come full circle

What's the point?
Preconceived notions
Far outweighing
The new
The past
Destroying the future

This path continues
With one set
Of footprints
The others
Washed away
With tears from the past

So one foot
In front of the other
No sitting yet
Must find
That route
Alone

Quit Planning Forever and Just Get Thru Today

I think that's been my biggest problem as of late. I'm so worried about what i think will make me happy forever that I'm forgetting to be happy today. Or it controls my perception of happiness, or lack thereof, for the day. That's not a good approach and I've finally figured that out. I miss out hanging with friends or enjoying what I'm doing while with friends or whatever I'm doing because my mind is focused on what isn't making me happy but convinced it will.

People can't make you happy. If you put all of your money down on that bet, i hope you don't mind going broke. That becomes a long hard road out of hell. I've been told so many times in the past few months that once I'm happy with myself I'll be amazed at the happiness i feel naturally and i feel i was getting there but then i forgot and started putting that burden back on others instead of myself and I'll be damned if i started losing that natural happiness. God i hate it when everyone ends up being right but i will be in control damn it.

So i started telling a friend that man this house is going to be so bad ass when i get done with it and how the backyard is big enough to have people over when the weather decides to behave. I told said friend all the things i plan on doing in life period and they were really quick to point out how i was basing my level of happiness on materialistic things. That not once had i mentioned just being happy period. Period. Yes i meant to repeat that. Just good ol happiness with my life end of story. Happiness that didn't involve buying something or travelling somewhere. That really hit me. Hard at first in an irritating kiss my ass sort of way but it's because it was the truth. The type of truth no-one likes to hear because, well, it's the truth.

It's crazy how when you don't set your expectations on things or people and can enjoy spending time with yourself that suddenly they become an asset to your life instead of a necessity. I read a lot this evening and enjoyed that. I burned tree limbs and fired up the smoker at my new place the other day-really enjoyed that. It's time to take joy or derive my happiness from the small things in life again and everything else will fall in place as it seems to always do.

I'll be posting a short story i wrote on here soon but I'll warn you that it's dark. I've started a second one and also dark. I bet you can guess what the third one will be. Poetry is hitting paper again. I went to my Men's Group tonight for the first time in over a month and it felt good to be back. Time to get back to basics. Do the things that were working for me. The real work is trying not to take control again thinking that i can go back to my way of doing things. That is really hard for me. Sometimes you just have to sit back, enjoy the ride and realize whatever's meant to be will be.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Been Awhile Again

I really need to get better at this blogging thing. I've kinda been MIA and i know I said I would get better but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

Things are going good. I've got a lot of positive in my life with work and a new house that i recently fell into. It's going to be quite the bachelor pad once i get it remodeled and I'm excited! I've been busting my butt to get it done but once you treat into a project like this It's hard to find a stopping point. I'm going to have to put the OCD aside and just get it livable and then fine tune it from there.

I picked up a violin from my cousin Melissa last night and played for awhile and i was shocked at how happy it made me and how i didn't suck as bad as i thought i would. I picked it up for the first time again a couple of months ago but set it back down. This time I'm looking forward to jam sessions with friends. We already have it in the works and I'm excited.

I've been struggling with personal things but who doesn't? It all boils down to perceived happiness versus actual happiness and that can be a fine line between the two. I have a good friend that told me about his 80/20 rule and it really makes sense. If you're looking to be happy with someone no matter who it is in your life 100% of the time then the expectations are at an impossible level to meet but if you are happy with that person 80% of the time then the 20% is doable. I think i need to start putting that into practice. The flip side is I'm not sure i can achieve 80% in anyone else's life so this may backfire. Well damn It.

It feels good to write again but I'm going to quit saying I'll get more consistent when i may not. Life can be a son of a bitch but if you can be happy with it 80% of the time then that other 20% can kiss my really really white butt. It's time to get positive and remove the negative. I hope everything is going good for you and maybe you took something from this rambling and maybe you didn't-that's not for me to decide. Until next time...

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Nice to Know People Care

I had a very humbling conversation with a friend this morning that i haven't seen in a long time and it's nice to know someone thinks i can make a difference...that my story and journey are important.

With that being said, I have been invited to give a 10 minute talk for Beacon of Hope in August and to have my poetry on display at their booth. My journey and poetry both are very personal and dear to me and knowing it has touched others to the degree that they want me to publicly talk about it and display my art is both humbling and validating to me.

I will admit that i am nervous and scared. It's one thing to hide behind my phone typing my blog and quite another to let everyone put a face to the name. It becomes real then...it leaves me open to judgement that people can point at and recognize. But it also gives me a chance to touch more lives and maybe be a voice that someone can relate to and realize they are not alone.

The stigma is slowly disappearing and is leaps and bounds from where it once was but sadly it still exists. There will always be those that fear what they don't understand and use it as an opportunity to be mean and callous. This is also an oppotunity to knock another brick from the wall and realize i have nothing to be embarrased about. That there is nothing wrong with me for having a mental illness. That my voice can be heard and those that truly care and wish for change Will see one more person willing to help make that possible.

I grasp how honored i should be for this opportunity and i hope i don't disappoint. All i can do is share my journey with bipolar and have this opportunity to stand tall and let people know I'm not ashamed of who i am. That in itself will benefit me far beyond what i feel I'll ever be able to do for others so i hope i do this justice. I hope that i can be a good advocate for hope and mental illness. I hope i can be a Beacon for Hope.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully