Fear

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whetherthe threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I love this definition because of the real or imagined. That imagined part plays a big part in my bipolar so this definition describes the word 'fear' to a tee for me. It encompasses the word entirely.

Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
-credit Fear by Blue October

The song Fear by Blue October is a powerful song that moves mountains within me every single time i listen to it. Fear has kept me from doing so many things or to fall but i like the part where it says now i get back up.

So fear has crippled me many times- real or imagined. Fear has led to crippling alcoholism that i still struggle with every single day of my life. Fear use to allow me to refuse to admit that i had a problem in the first place. Everyone from my mom and brother to Julie and my friends that bartend like Vanessa and Tiffany that have refused to serve me have helped with that along the way. Fear kept me from being able to say no. Fear of being sober and facing whatever problem of the day seemed too much and these people have helped many times. My friend Stacy is like a rock to me, always encouraging and never judging but always there to cheer me on and keep me from guilting myself to death. I could name so many people and that makes me a lucky man.

Fear of failing keeps me from accomplishing goals. I have an issue with perfectionism. If it can't be perfect, then i can't do it. I've started projects and then not finished them because they weren't turning out perfect so i can't do it because i stress out. I almost ripped up my mom's wood floor because i saw what i considered an imperfection. Mom couldn't see it. Nobody could see it but i could and i couldn't handle it. Somebody else had to finish the last part of the job. That's part of why i can't be self-employed anymore. It manifested in every job i was doing and really started to become an issue. I've lost friends that i worked for because of it. Enough was enough.

Imagined fear has strained friendships, my family relations and relationships. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year because i thought he said something he didn't. I didn't talk to my mom for a few months because i feared she was trying to take control of my life and was embarrassed of me. I left Julie because i thought she was angry with me. All imagined fears. I fear that my family wants me locked up. They want me in an institution. Is this all the time? Nope. But when paranoia sets in so do those feelings and fears. I fear the FBI in the same way. My bipolar mania has dealt with them and that was awesome let me tell you. Don't email the FBI to quit following you-they take that very seriously. They will alert the police, sheriff's department, courthouse and family just to name a few. Yup.

So fear can be crippling but getting back up can be liberating. It can be a victory. Chalk it up as a win. I've always been lucky to have a great support system. So talk to someone, anyone. Don't let fear keto you down or beat you down. Don't let it lock your door and throw away the key. You can win this battle. Stand up one leg at a time until it gets easier!! I support you!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully