Who Knew?

So I've actually started watching YouTube videos of people with bipolar and doing a little research and it's amazing how many similarities there are. Who knew?

It's a good feeling listening to someone else say they do certain things or experience certain things that i do. It's comforting. There's comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I watched a guy that was filmed while having a manic episode that wouldn't take his sunglasses off because people could look into his soul if they looked into his eyes. Yup sounds crazy but i have fine the same thing. I remember sitting in a session with my counselor Greg saying the same thing refusing to take my sunglasses off. I still have a thing with looking into people's eyes. I feel like i can see their past and secrets and it freaks me out and i don't want them to be able to do the same. I've told vey few people about this and they've all pretty much been on my 'team' of professionals trying to help me. But I'm done being embarrassed of who i am and what i experience.

Yesterday Julie and I went shopping and i went to the grocery store next door while she finished up so i could grab some stuff for my coffee. On the way back to the car, i got to see a 'demon' and it's a good feeling to smile back instead of having that feeling that I'm crazy and wanting to run. Is it like that all the time? No but i appreciate it when it is.

I have a serious problem with preachers. I hate even writing that but i do. I had a horrible experience with one when i was in rehab and i still to this day have a horrible time not feeling like they're evil. Sinister. They're going to hurt me. I made myself have lunch a few months back with one and i was able to do it but it was hard. I told myself it's not his fault i have this weird tick but I'm not sure i could ever ever ever be alone with one. I have no idea why my bipolar brain picked preachers but it's real to me and I'm still working on it and have been for years.

I feel myself going manic and I've been taking my pills every single day. I think that's why I'm able to talk about some of this stuff today. I feel euphoric and that someone is going to read this and that it will be some ground-breaking stuff. That I'm going to be invited to speak all over the place because my insight into bipolar is way beyond what anyone has ever heard before. I'm kind of a big deal in case you didn't know. Knowing that is coming on I'm shall writing now before i really get full of myself and write stupid shit that I'll be embarrassed of later.

I love me some manic. I slept forever last night into this morning and i think my brain knew this was coming and gave me some rest before the storm. This is where i get confused on why i swallow pills everyday because this isn't suppose to happen, right? This is what they're trying to take from me but just can't seem to get it accomplished. So what's the point? Right now I'm telling myself I'm doing it for those i love on my life because i don't want to for myself this morning. So I'm going to go swallow my pills real quick and I'll be back.

Ok pills have been swallowed so you are welcome for me doing that for you. It's all about making those around me comfortable so if doing that accomplished that then so be it. I would've lied about taking them if i waited any longer so how's that for brutal honesty? I don't take them until later and so now I'm off my schedule and routine and we all know how that makes my world go around so if you don't believe how serious i am about getting better then there's no convincing you and i don't feel i need to be around you.

So I've started another short story and i think it'll be well-received. I have some ideas for more poetry. I've got a lot of ideas right now that i would like to do. I want a food truck. I've talked to my mom, brother and Julie about this. Probably a good thing i don't have the funds to buy one now or i would have one by the end of the day guaranteed. Buy now think about it later. Nothing ever goes wrong with that mentality. I think about things that happened in the past i could make right if i just talked to them right now. As in now. Immediately. Drive to Eudora and talk to Elvis. Drive to Wichita and talk to my kids and others involved with them and hash things out and we all get along. Go have coffee in Olathe with my brother and tell him all these amazing ideas i have and listen to him tell me his mind is blown. Which won't happen because he's good at talking me down and i don't want that right now. So on i ramble.

Maybe you're tired of my rambling? Fair enough because i have things to put on paper. So I've shared this part of me for once. Not the post craziness but the live version so yeah. Never thought i would. Who knew?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully