So I have a problem with sitting still. I can't focus on one thing for very long before i start getting nervous and need to move onto something else.
I love to journal but i can't do it for long stretches at a time. I have four separate notebooks and each has its own purpose and i have to carry all of them with me so that when i get bored journaling then i can work on my short story notebook and then move to my poetry notebook, etc and that may be in a span of 15 minutes that I've written in all three and then I'm back to my journal. I'll then try to read and may get thru 4 or 5 pages before i can't focus and then I'm back to my notebooks routine.
I love movies but it's very rare that I'm actually 100% focused on the movie. I will journal or pace while it's playing because i can't sit still long enough. My brain is going and I'll remember something i wanted to do so off i go. I love reading but can't stay focused. I love journaling and writing but trail off. I have started my second short story and have it all worked out from start to finish but after i write a paragraph, all focus is gone and I'm off to do something else.
I'm a gamer on Xbox but I'm playing 5 games right now because i can only play the same one for about 15-30 minutes before i can't focus on it anymore and need stimulation from something different. So i have multiple ones i will play in the span of an hour.
I don't remember it always being this way. I could read, journal, write and game for hours. I was frustrated if i had to stop doing those things and now I'm frustrated because i CAN'T do those things even though i want to badly. I know i frustrate Julie and those around me when I'm fidgety and pace and constantly need to be on the go but the frustration in my head and with myself is a million times worse. It's a horrible feeling not being able to focus when all i want to do is focus.
I know ADD, ADHD and the adult versions are over-diagnosed but so is bipolar and i definitely have that. What keeps me from seeking help with my issue? It'll mean another pill i have to swallow. Yup. That's it. Makes perfect sense, right? Deal with extreme frustration and irritability because i don't want to swallow one more pill. Plus I'll have to be a guinea pig for medication until they find the right one that works and that frustrates me. Hell you're probably wondering what doesn't frustrate me at this point and good question because sometimes i wonder myself.
If I'm going to be real honest i don't want to add another diagnosis to the list of descriptors of my mental health. Bilpolar, schizzo-affective, acute anxiety and whatever they want to disgnose this as. I don't like it. I may own my bipolar and everything rise but i still struggle with the label.
There's more i can write but I'm already running out of patience writing this. Why do you think my blogs are so short? So I'll continue this topic in my next blog as it needs to be addressed and I'll let you know what i decided to do about it. Until then...oh look! There's a squirrel!
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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