I'm Me and I'm Fine With That

It's taken me a long time to be ok with me. I'm fine with not being what others think the version of me should be.

I admit I've had some actions in my past that were unacceptable. The anger. Making those around me suffer because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for my bipolar and stay on my meds. For never being honest I have bipolar in the first place. I did that to a person I was with for over two years and I put her through hell.I've left people in my past hurt, broken and maybe worse off for having ever meet me in the first place. I could be cruel, vindictive, insecure and many other things that I can't apologize enough for.

I try not to let the past own my present and future but it's hard. It's hard on one hand because I'm my own worst enemy. My mind is a weapon that's always loaded and I can't help myself but to constantly pull the trigger on memories that can't be forgotten. As you know, I love to obsess on things and analyze where things went wrong, what could I have done different, what can I do to change certain behaviors I have? I self-evaluate all the time because I do want to be a better person.

On the other hand though, I've realized I cannot and will not mold myself in to what another person's perception of me should be. That's the dilemma, or my dilemma anyway, of being so open and honest about my bipolar. I now feel like everything I do is put under a microscope and attributed to my bipolar. I refuse to use my bipolar as a crutch for my actions and own responsibility of them but it seems once I laid those crutches down, some beat me over the head with them.

Do you ever feel like being alone and read a book or enjoy your own company? So do I. Have you ever had a hard day at work and you just want to relax and call it an early night? So have I. Has something justifiably made you angry, upset, sad, happy...basically any human emotion at all? Nailed it, same here.

My point is I know being bipolar can give me actions or behaviors that aren't considered within the norm of society but I'm still human. I still have those emotions that everyone experiences and I'm not going to apologize for them. I'm not going to be a science experiment with everything I do analyzed under a microscope so it can be labeled or explained off as bipolar. I get sad but it doesn't mean I'm depressed. I enjoy my alone time but it doesn't mean I'm a recluse. I get angry but it doesn't mean I'm having an 'episode'. I laugh and get excited but it doesn't mean I'm manic.

I appreciate the friends I have and my amazing family. I know I am truly blessed and I try not to take that for granted anymore. I work on my behaviors every day so that I don't hurt or weak havoc on those same people I have taken for granted for so long. But I'm human. I've dealt with real emotions from them without trying to explain it off or slap a label to it. Sometimes the simplest of explanations is like we've all heard before when such things occur..."We're all human afterall"

I've made leaps and bounds of the person I was before. I've made huge strides of progress. I'm on my medication. I try every single day to not be that person I was before and you know what? I'm succeeding. So I may not be perfect but I'm sure as hell more than just bipolar. I guess what I'm getting at is I'm me and I'm fine with that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully