Not A Big Fan

This time of year is hard to deal with. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yup I said it. Bah humbug and shame on me, right?

My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving and it's hard to associate the holiday with anything but that for me. Yes I still have the rest of my family to be thankful for but now there's a void that can never be filled for me. His absence is ever present.

Christmas doesn't hold pleasant memories for me during my adult life. It's a time of nothing but stress and bad memories. Feeling like I wasn't able to provide a good enough Christmas for my kids when I was down and out. Feeling like I was a let down to people around me. I cringe when Christmas comes around. I'm sure some of it is in my head only but that doesn't make it any less intolerable.

So then comes my bipolar. My meds this round are helping but not entirely. I've been obsessing and feel myself getting depressed, especially when I'm left alone with myself. I try not to let it consume me but the harder I try the more I think about it. I wish we could go from October straight to January.

I start living in the past. I obsess over it. I know logically I can't change it but that doesn't mean the holidays don't still haunt me. It makes me irritable, angry. It makes me sad for things I've missed out on memory wise with my kids. I disappeared for a few years and wasn't in their life. That's hard to admit but it's the truth. That's what the holidays mean to me.

I've been talking about it in therapy but haven't divulged the full extent of it. It's too hard to voice these things. I want to disappear. I know I need to let go of the past but my mind won't let me and it's about to drive me crazy. I didn't sleep last night. Hello manic...where have you been old friend? I have medicine that will help it go away but I couldn't make myself take it last night. I felt like I didn't deserve to sleep, that I needed to think about all of it. To punish myself. That's the old Ryan and he won last night. Bring honest is the only way to change my behavior. I know better than to fall into that place again. I know there's just as many negatives as I convince myself of the positives of being manic.

I'm struggling with this. Things have been going great and I don't want to backpedal. But I miss aspects of unmedicated Ryan. Those around me don't. Those around me keep telling me how good I'm doing and the great changes they've noticed but I don't want to think about that because in my mind I'm on top of the world and will eventually think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread the more manic I get. I'll be able to do anything and accomplish great things. Unless you've experienced that I'm sure it makes zero sense to you. I understand that.

So I took my medication this morning. I'll take it tonight along with my Zyprexa. I don't want to but I know I need to. I know I've got a battle with myself tonight and I'm not looking forward to it because what if old Ryan wins. Then I'm letting myself and those around me down. Then all of this progress was for nothing. I guess it's time to go to battle with the old Ryan until only one of us is left standing tonight. I'm pretty bullheaded so I see me winning this battle. Tonight is what I'm thinking about. One step at a time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully