A Tribute To My Brother

So this thing happened today. I get a text from my big brother and it says he needs a favor from me so if I ignore the text for awhile that's ok. How can you not laugh and be intrigued with a text that gets right to the point like that? I text him back right away and told him to call me whenever he wants to. He did and my mind was blown right out of the gate with this favor he's wanting done. Little did he know it ended up being the other way around. 

He asked if I would be willing to be the featured writer for his newsletter in May for mental health awareness month. Now I've never asked his permission to use his name or where he works in my blog so I'm not going to but my big brother has a very important job and has used his talents and position to become one of the biggest mental health advocates you'll ever meet. I guess what I'm trying to say is he has met and works with some of the top professionals in this field and I was the one he wanted to write. See what I mean by him doing me the favor?

I have always said and will keep saying that my family has always been my biggest support system. I haven't always been a good little brother but that's never phased him. He's always been ready with a hug and forgiveness when I snap out of it. He's dealt with me as a nasty drunk, manic with impossible ideas pouring out of my brain, depressed to the point that living seemed harder than dying. Being on meds and off and on and off and on and off and...sorry bipolar joke. Had to be there I guess. My point is I've always idolized my brother but I haven't always shown it. 

So I want to kick ass on this article. I want to show my brother that it was worth all of his energy to not give up on me. I want to make him proud. I want him to feel pride when people read it and say that was my little brother. I want to let him know that I don't take this privilege lightly. I want to thank him for loving me to the point that he makes sure mental health gets its due. 

So this is a long overdue tribute to my big brother. He reminds me so much of our dad and I can't think of a better compliment than that. So big brother I love you, I look up to you, some of which because you're taller than me, and I will forever be in awe of you. Thank you for this opportunity. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

It Will Never Make Sense. Never.

I was talking to a friend the other day and they were upset about how they felt they had been there for someone and had tried their best to help a person out and basically got the ol f you in return. Their dilemma was they just couldn't understand how someone would do that to them, that they've been struggling trying to make sense of it. I feel bad for them and gave them the only reply that has made sense to me from being in similar situations. 

It will never make sense. Never. I'm sorry for the bad news but here's why. You aren't that type of person. You would never do that to someone else and because of that you can't relate therefore you will never have a good enough answer to make things better in your mind. It's like looking at a calculus book and trying to figure out why you can't solve the problems when you know nothing about calculus.

 If you value friendships, relationships, whatever label you attatch, then you expect those with those labels to have the same love and loyalty that you do. It hurts when you find out otherwise. You'll try to figure out the whys and hows until you're angry, sad, defeated. Then you'll learn to let go. To let them go. That their actions are no reflection upon who you are as a person but of themselves. 

I keep an extremely small circle and I'm fine with that. Does it mean I spend a lot of time by myself? Absolutely but I am fine with that as well. John and Ape are hands down two of the dearest friends I've ever had the priviledge of calling friends. Amazing, amazing, amazing people. I'd rather have two friends like them forever than a ton of people i may or may not be able to count on. I'm a quality over quantity kind of guy i reckon. 

So you're going to run into people like my friend and it's going to hurt but just remember that just because you are a good and loyal person doesn't mean everyone else has those same values and morals. And please remind yourself that it's not a reflection of who you are as a person...some people just suck. 

So treasure those ones that have your back and you have theirs. They seem to be few and far between anymore. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Let Me Critique You and Don't Forget To Say I'm Sorry

So I haven't written in awhile and honestly I had a blog typed up saying I was done, it's been real and I'll see y'all later. It had lost its joy for me. I felt that I wrote things I needed to say to keep myself in check but it was being used against me. Every blog is me allowing you into my world. My private space. That's not a brag like I'm something special and have earth-shattering, groundbreaking things to say that people will read while dumbfounded in awe unable to process the amount of knowledge I vomit into my blog. No. It's my truth. It's as simple as that. What I'm about to write for a blog will let you know why I changed my mind. 

I had coffee with my mom this morning and I love our time together. We talk about everything. We talked about gaming I bet for at least 30 minutes this morning because that's one of my passions and she was involved in the conversation first to the end. I love that about her. We talked about my kiddos, my grandson. We talked about my brother and sis and nieces. We talked about her dad and mom. My dad. My girlfriend Stacy and her kiddos. Great conversation. 

It was while talking about Stacy that I said something that has stuck with me all day and now I write this blog. This is where she's going 'oh shit' if she's reading this but bear with me honey you won't be saying that. I told mom that I've learned if something makes me uncomfortable then I tend to label it wrong when that couldn't be farthest from the truth. Here's what I said that I can't get out of my head..."So now that you've sat there while I've critiqued you I'm sure you look at me like I'm the strange one." Doesn't sound profound. The earth didn't move when you read it but it did for me when I said it.

I was telling mom everyone has there own way of doing something. Of handling things. This includes Stacy and that's where that quote comes in. I told mom everyone's entitled to their own opinion and ways of handling this and Stacy probably feels like "So now that you've sat there while I critiqued you....." and boom that's all that keeps running thru my head. 

The very thing I was pissed about and was going to shut my blog down over is the very thing I do to other people. I critique. I knit pick. I question. And I feel more than justified to do all of those but I'm going to get butthurt when those very things are done to me? The questions that were asked over one of my blogs were justified. They needed to be asked if for nothing else than peace of mind for those that asked them. And I applaud you for asking them. I would've wanted those questions asked if it involved my loved one. And I would've wanted answers. Period. 

So after thinking on this most of the day I knew it was time to write again. Remember when I said I write about things to keep myself in check? Well this is a perfect example of exactly that. I've found that things that make me angry when I'm called on them is because there's usually a spark of truth behind them. I was angry because the questions asked needed to be asked. I was angry because there's a reason they needed to be asked. I was angry at myself. 

Stacy is an amazing person. She truly is and I'm grateful to have her in my life. She cheers for the man in me I can't see. She becomes my legs when I say I can't do this walk called life anymore. When I feel alone all I have to do is turn my head because she is always by my side. So maybe I need to say I love you instead of pointing out what I think is wrong. Say thank you instead of finding fault. Listen instead of critiquing. In short, shut the hell up every now and then. 

Meds are going great ( pill box Stacy lol ). Derek is still one of the most amazing men I've ever had the privilege of knowing and life is good in general. God knows this guy is still a work in progress I'm just fortunate for the people that haven't lost interest in this marathon we call bipolar that I've been blessed with. Yes that is totally sarcasm and I'm not sorry:)

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Maybe It's Time To Flip the Switch

I haven't written in awhile and maybe I shouldn't be now but I claim to only write when I have something to say and I'm sitting in an empty house right now and I'm tired of talking to myself. 

I quit my job. I couldn't handle the traveling anymore and being away from home. I felt like I was suppose to be here for everyone around me and if I knew what I know know I'd never have left. I think I've done more harm than good. Former co-workers might be reading this right now and what can I say, you were right. I thought having a substantial amount of money in the bank meant security and everything would fall into place. Nope. I've failed. 

I went on a four or five day bender, it's kinda foggy, and have done everything in my power to hurt everyone around me. I've been a verbally abusive, mean, angry piece of shit. I've been sporadic with my medication. I haven't given one fuck. And I'm not going to apologize for my language because frankly I'm tired of apologizing at this point. 

I have hurt someone I claimed I love to the moon and back forever and a day. I can't take that back. I can't. I can't take back how I feel sitting in this empty house either. I can't take back how I feel abandoned. I'm sitting here alone. It is what it is, right? That is exactly right. I'm sitting here alone. So alone I will be. 

I've learned I am who I am and it's not good most of the time. I think I convinced myself this time is different but I am classic at burning everything around me to the ground and sometimes you just have to let it burn itself out and realize there's nothing you can do about it. 

So I think for the best of everyone involved it's time to flip that switch and move on with life. Sometimes someone is too good of a person to make that move so I'll do it for them. 

I have no uplifting ending to this blog, just honesty and real life. Sometimes that's the best medicine. 

Some People Wear Capes

I felt like after my last blog, I'd give everyone an update. As I've said before, I try to stay positive but sadly that isn't the nature of bipolar all the time. Or human nature honestly. We all have our ups and downs and I was struggling with a low I haven't had for awhile. 

With that being said, I finally had my appointment with Derek and he's my version of a superhero cape and all. He immediately recognized that one of the meds I was on was the culprit for how I was feeling and immediately did something about it. He listens and by listening he's able to give me amazing care and treatment. By listening to him, I'm able to give myself amazing care and treatment. 

Right now I'm only on lithium at an elevated dose so I can get to a good therapeutic range and I feel outstanding. I haven't felt this good in a long time and didn't realize how worn down I was until I started feeling good. 

Being bipolar is no picnic but there is zero reason to make it worse than it needs to be. Be vocal with with your doctor. If they don't listen to you then I'm sorry go find someone that will. Only you know you and you're in charge. I think some caregivers forget that. If you're feeling good then don't let them mess it up. If you aren't, then make sure they help you. We aren't textbooks that all read the same so they can't treat everyone the same. If the guy painting your house changed colors on you you'd say something so do the same for your body. 

I'm fortunate to have found Derek. I don't know if he flies to work or just drives but he's my superhero either way. I feel fantastic and I appreciate all the encouragement I received during my darkness. I hope I can be that same encouragement for someone in their time of need. 

Thank you to my kids- Ashlyn, Braden and Nym who constantly have my back. I'd be lost without Stacy who is vigilant in this battle with me. My mom is a rock that never breaks. My big brother Bobby and sis Maria have put up with me for years and still do for some reason but I love them to death. Brynnie Poo and Emmy make this uncle feel like the best in the world. My other sister Sarah has had my back with a ferocity of no other. I enjoy the conversations and encouragement I get with Emily. I don't mean to leave anyone out because I could write a blog just thanking people over the years. I am truly blessed, I love y'all and thank you for wearing a cape everytime I'm around you. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Today Lasted 365 Days

I'm struggling. Today is tommorow and tomorrow is yesterday. I was doing good, maybe even great, and now here I stand battling the thousands of hours that seem to stand in the way of moving on to a different day. 

I posted a poem I wrote earlier and I feel that's the closest yet I've been able to describe the madness I call my life. I love to say I'm ok because maybe if I say it enough I will be. I'm 43 and I still play the game after all these years but what choice do I have? Succumb to the negative? Believe the feelings I have? Buy into what the voices in my head are selling? So all I feel is madness sometimes and that is starting to feel like the norm. 

I have to worry about what's happening in my head at any given time while worrying about what I'm doing at work and how I'm acting at work. Do you know how exhausting that is because I really don't think the average person does. Then add when I'm not at work. Then add the average person doesn't want to hear my problems even if I want to talk about them so it's easier to say everything is just fucking peachy. 

Once again, I try to write positive things about how I'm kicking bipolar in the ass but this round I'm not winning. I'm backed in a corner and want to throw in the towel. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle after work. I want numb. I want escape. I'm tired of pills and I'm tired of being me. I'm tired. Period. 

I'm laying in bed not drinking and that pisses me off. I've every intention of getting drunk but just can't. I'm 43. I'm an adult. What's stopping me? Am I going to get grounded? Put in time-out? It's the voices of encouragement past. The feeling of being proud of myself when I hit these dark spots in life and turn away. I know it'll help me escape today but I can't escape tomorrow. 

I don't want this blog to be positive. I want it to be real and this is my reality. I see Derek on Thursday. I don't know what that session will bring but I know I'm going to pour my reality out and let him sort it out because that's what he's good at. Because today I'm struggling and there's still tomorrow left. 

If you're struggling, reach out for help. Call a number, phone a friend, call your therapist. Talk to someone. The positive in this, see there I go, is you are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

 

There Is No Right

Why do I feel

This way

More often

Than not?

Tear my skin

Off please

So that

I may

Escape

Trapped

As I crawl

Seeking

Relief

I need

To sit

So that

I can

Stand

Scream

For

Silence

Because I

Crave

Some

Sensory

Overload

I can decide

That I'm

Unable to

Make

A decision

Nothing sounds

Good so

Let's try

All of

The

Levels

Of

Frustration

Sit still

While I

Crawl

Inside

Reaching

Infected

Brain

Determined

To misfire

Sending

Me

Chasing 

Peace

Peace

Just a

Word

Something

To look

For

But never

Find

Running

Wild

Matching

My 

Mood

Jokes

On me

I'm the

One running

Knowing

There's no

Relief

Where I

End up

Yet

Here

I

Run

Run it's

Course

Be patient

Fuck you

Easy words

For those

Not suffering

It shall

Pass

Let me

Rip my

Skin

You wear it

So I 

Continue

Searching

For remedies

That may

Or

May not

Exist

That don't

Involve

Poison

Swallowed

Intoxication

Stare

At the

Wall

Pace

The floor

Here we

Go

Mind racing

Weather

The storm

Ride

The wave

Crazy

I know

It'll end

Experience

Sadly

Multiple

Times

Doesn't make

It any

Easier

Maybe

Worse

Knowing with

No doing

So I walk

While running

On the

Inside

Deciding

Not to

Decide

So that

I can

Stand while

Sitting

And 

Wait

I Woke Up Bipolar Again

I woke up pretty early this morning and the obsessing and anger started setting in pretty quick. Paranoia. All the fun stuff and I couldn't figure out what was going on until I realized I woke up with bipolar again. Like I do every morning. Damn it. 

I've been journaling like crazy and I've cracked open my poetry book and have writing like crazy which I'll be posting later. And yes I write poetry and no I don't care if you find it anything but positive for me. I haven't made it this far by caring what people think of me. So anyway I told you I'm angry. 

The anger stems from the obsessing and vice versa. They're like kissing cousins, no matter how many times you tell them to stay away from each other they just seem to find a way. So we're moving and I am just going over every little thing in my head and basically driving myself nuts. Then that gets me thinking about my bipolar and how I swallow those damn pills every morning and night so why do I still feel this way? Luckily I see Derek this morning but I don't understand. Am I this special nutjob that has this special bipolar that means I get special nothingness from treatment?

I really have to watch myself when I'm like this because I have little to no patience which means I get mean and condescending pretty quick and everyone really enjoys that Ryan says no one ever. Well that gets exhausting. I know how that sounds. Exhausting being a nice human being shouldn't be an option it should just come natural but it doesn't when I'm like this. I'm not proud of it but at least I can admit it which means I work hard at not being that guy. I don't like being mean to Stacy or my family because guess what? They're the ones that love and care about me the most but guess what? They're the ones that get the brunt of my bipolar.  

I work my ass off to not use bipolar as a crutch to be an asshole but it's tiring. It was so much easier when I lost my temper and let whomever deal with it because I didn't care. It was so much easier to get wasted until I get better while destroying everything around me. It would be easier to quit my job when I'm struggling to walk out the front door because of what's going on in my head knowing I have 10 hours that day to keep it together. A lot of things are easier if I'd just give up. I can't and that angers me but for once it's a good anger. It's a motivator. 

So I woke up with bipolar this morning. I have this crazy intuition I will tomorrow too. Am I happy about that? No but I've learned that doesn't fix the problem. Taking my meds even when I feel this way does though. Talking to Stacy, my mom, family, Derek- all of those do. Not letting bipolar control my entire life, check as well. I don't have to like that I have bipolar thank God but I do have to acknowledge it because only then can I take the steps needed to control it instead of vice versa. 

So if you're struggling, you aren't alone. If you think you don't need your meds, you do. Find somebody you trust to talk to. It's worth it's weight in gold. I'm proud of everyone struggling that won their battle. You're a rockstar. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan

Maniacally Awake So Let's Go Shopping

So it's day one billion with hardly any sleep but I'm loving my creative side with my writings. It's the impulse shopping I would love to do that's got me nervous. 

So to get the question answered right out of the gate, no I still haven't taken my sleeping pills. Why you ask? Well because this kid is going full blown manic and damn how I've missed it. I've had the warning signs but I've ignored them. No point in having this blog if I'm not going to be honest. 

Voices. When they start getting worse I know my brain is going to start hitting overdrive. Don't get me wrong, no sleep isn't helping matters but they seem to talk more when mania is setting in. My name seems to be the favorite topic to yell at me for the time being and man am I enjoying that. 

Medication. Should've probably been number one but I didn't want to talk about it but I have to. No I haven't been consistent the last few weeks. Have I stopped altogether um hell no but consistency is just as important. Especially with lithium. My Abilify got screwed up with insurance yada yada and by the time I got it I'm sure it was completely out of my system so I'm having to start over. I'm back on track but in the meantime hello mania. 

With the virus going around I came into work with a cough and to me sinus issues but as a precaution I've been quarantined from work until the outcome of my doc appointment this morning. Hoping that turns out being nothing more than the good ol crud but now I've had extra time on my hands to try and not buy stuff. The desire to spend mass amounts of money hasn't plagued me in quite awhile but I really want to make up for lost time. 

So with the above being said it may be time to hand my debit card over to Stacy until I am back on the road. I get obsessive. If I buy one travel backpack for my gaming systems then 17 backpacks would obviously be better. Never know when one might need 17 gaming backpacks. Or multiple bottles of the same shower soap. Yes I can only use one at a time but the option to use two or more is definitely something to consider. Or another coffee maker but this one has a carafe as well and looks cool. No mine isn't broken but you're completely missing the point. 

On the bright side, I've become obsessed with my credit and getting any little derogatory remarks off. So I guess my point is I don't only engage in harmful or risky behaviors but too much of a good thing....you know the saying. I just want to be able to walk down the middle of the sidewalk instead of one side or the other. It's the extremes that are exhausting. I don't need 10 hours of sleep but more than one would be neat. I don't want to be a tightwad but I don't need to empty my bank account either. I want an amazing credit score but I've got to quit obsessing over it. Happy mediums. I imagine that way if living is neat too. 

So I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight. It's going to be a battle and I'm going to go ahead and admit I'll work up a thousand excuses and may or may not act like a 5 year old child when the time comes but I will take one. I'm already getting irritated just thinking about giving up this mania. Which is all I need to know on if I should take a sleeping pill tonight or not. Because once I go full blown there's no turning back until it's run its course and guilt, remorse and embarrassment usually come hang out for awhile afterwards. I think I'll pass. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully aka Ryan Sullivan

Sleepless In Salina

Haha how convenient that I work in a town that started with S is that? Probably not as cool than if I lived in Seattle but I don't so work with me here. Yup. 

So I'm on night three I think it is with 2 hours or less of sleep so I have that going for me. Thing is I don't feel tired or irritated about it. I'm not wishing I was asleep, in fact, quite the contrary. I enjoy the night hours. I mean, I just completely rearranged my apartment and what better time than the midnight hours to get that important piece work done? I have to work today, I know I'm suppose to be off but my boss did me a solid by letting me come in because I missed work due to Ashlyn....GIVING ME MY FIRST GRANDBABY!! I just wish I could get excited about it. But what I was getting at is I won't feel tired at work so I don't feel like it's a big deal. Maybe. 

I saw Derek last Friday I think (maybe I do need sleep) and that went well. He started me back on my Abilify as a compliment to my lithium again. Damned ol obsessing, anger, delusional bipolar bullcrap thing I've got going on. Still. Really thought I would be the first person cured of bipolar by now. I'm kind of a big deal damn it. Haven't I told you? Well don't worry, I will. I also do what I want. Stacy hasn't heard either of these statements a billion times before. Million probably but definitely not billion. Yeah so anyway, it went well. I think I'm a looney tune and he helps convince me I'm not every time and when though I joke I'm being serious. It's easy for me to get so frustrated that I begin to believe I'm crazy. That I'm abnormal. That I need to be locked up. Wait not need but will be. And that scares me. He calms me down and puts my mind at ease. I seriously love that guy and I don't think he understands completely how much he's helped me. Best email I ever sent (thanks Mom for telling me that the other day) and this is the best I've ever done with managing my bipolar. 

So I've noticed the voices seem to have come back more frequent and for good measure there's a random one that says hi or other one word sayings. Pretty cool when you say hi back to a co-worker just to find out they never said hi in the first place. That's what we call...awwwwwwwkward. I'm repeating words or sounds until my brain says that I'm off the hook. One of my coworkers calls it my alien talk. I guess that's cool that I speak alien but also frustrating at the same time. Anger. Oh that nasty little SOB. Over stupid stuff too. I like to think it's do to a culmination of this going on as I've been listing that gets me frustrated and then turns to anger. I haven't decided but that's what I'm leaving towards. Ok I lied that's what Derek told me but I wanted to sound smart. 

So I've listed what's going on and I am frustrated and down right angry at times but have you also read how blessed I am? I'm a papa. I'm a dad. I have an amazing girlfriend.  I have great friends like John, Ape and Sarah to name a few. I have an amazing family. I have a job. At said job, I work with the most understanding guys I could ask for. I mean they call it alien talk instead of telling me I'm a freak. My boss has to be the most understanding guy and works with me beyond what any bids should have to. I have Derek to help guide me along this often trying trip called bipolar. I'm a lucky guy. 

So when I feel like this thing called bipolar is beating me down and I have nothing, I can go back and read this blog as a reminder of the good things because it's so much easier to focus on the bad sometimes. Or all the time. So I'm sleepless in Salina this week but maybe next week when I'm here I'll be sleeping.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully aka Ryan M Sullivan

I'm Sorry But Which Ryan Am I Speaking With?

I'm still here. I've wanted to write but haven't had the ability to it seems. I've had the want and the topics and the desire but have lacked in the area of acting upon it. I've been struggling a bit. Not all at once but the small pieces seem to come together like a puzzle in the end to create one big masterpiece of chaos. Nothing you'd enjoy to hang on your wall I'm afraid. 

I haven't been journaling until recently either and I know that doesn't help. Getting my thoughts on paper has always been a release for me but not taking the avenues that lead to stability have been a hindrance as well in my dealings with bipolar. I'm feeling good so why maintain a routine that got me there?

As I write this I just want to delete it. I feel like I'm rambling as a thousand strands of thought race thru my mind every second. I'm struggling to stay on track. I missed my med appointment with Derek and every time I call I get the secretary's voicemail. Do I leave a voicemail? Of course not because it infuriates me I'm getting voicemail instead of a human. So much better not to have an appointment than to leave what I want on a machine. Right? That's the proper way to handle that situation isn't it? I mean it leads to me rambling on my blog and feeling like I or someone anyway wants to crawl out of my skin so good job Ryan. Whichever Ryan that happens to be.

I know everything I'm going thru right now is part of my bipolar. Even on medication. That's what's frustrating is I demand perfection. I take my meds so why do I still get the bad parts? I mean the pills mean a 100% promise that I won't have to still be bipolar, right? That I won't have days I have to struggle or hate everything for no reason or want to quit my job and go live in the woods and disappear. I won't struggle with the paranoia or voices or all the other "crazy" shit I've tried to hide or be embarrassed of in the past. 

I always try to remain positive as I've come too far in the past year and a half or so to give up. I thought about it last night as I sat down at a bar and decided pills for me use to come in the form of a pint. I wanted to drink a lot of those pills but instead I got up and left. I made the choice to get up, walk out the door and go home. I did that. Me. Instead I made a delicious stew and went to bed. So as my title asks which Ryan am I speaking with it's honestly hard to tell sometimes but that's the Ryan that is serious about controlling his bipolar and not taking the easy way out. It's easy to get drunk and get some short-lived relief but dealing with the aftermath lasts so much longer. So I'm going to struggle until it gets better and hate every minute of it but at least guilt isn't part of that struggle this morning. 

So I'm going to call Derek's office and leave a voicemail. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

R. M. Sully