Imprisoned

I was taking pictures earlier around the plant I work at and the barbed wire security fence comes into the plant instead of out and to me it feels like they're trying to keep us in instead of keeping people out but what do I know? It did make a relatable moment so good enough. 

I feel like my whole life I've been building this plant, a compound, of safety. I've slowly insulated myself from allowing things to get to me. To allow people to get really close to me. To hurt me. So I've built this elaborate place of peace only I installed the security fence wrong so people can still get in but I haven't allowed myself to leave. 

People still come into my life. People try to get close. The thing about this plant is there's many buildings that I can hide in. I can close the door and if you come in there's so much machinery and electronics and things happening that it appears to be too complicated to figure out what's going on so they'll gladly walk back outside. Mission accomplished. 

Now maybe the sensible thing to do would be to give those that want to love you a guided tour so they can make sense of the madness but there is the exact problem. If I let you in, if I give you the passwords to my machinery then I can now be compromised. I have just given you the very control you need to hurt me, to use it against me. To leave me. Because you see there's always a gate on a fence. All you have to know is how to work it. I've never taken the time because I'm comfortable in my plant of protection. Others have definitely figured it out though. 

When I'm feeling out of control I immediately seek out anything that I can control. The absolute #1 thing is my meds. I start playing games with myself of if I feel out of control then why am I even taking them in the first place? I write so much better when I'm not being controlled by my meds. I'm more fun when I'm not being subdued by my meds. I'm more powerful than my diagnosis so I don't need my meds. The jacked up thing is if I'm feeling great then I try to convince myself I don't need them anymore. I'm not going to take Tylenol if I don't have a headache so why would I take my lithium if I'm not suffering from the effects of bipolar? Isn't mental health just a ball of fun?

So yes you know where this is leading. I had stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was doing great. Great until the voices got a little more prominent. Great until the hallucinations started again. Great until the madness started taking control. Well how dare they take control so now I'm more determined to be in control and not take my meds. Makes perfect sense, right? You don't have to answer that. 

So this weekend I started to go back to the ol faithful and I'll have some drinks to deaden what's going on inside. Sunday I was starting to do it all over again and I finally started battling myself. I finally started asking myself if that's the person I want to be. You see it has to be me. I'm 44 years old so it's not like my mom is going to ground me and take away my gaming systems until I start taking my meds and stop drinking. Anyone can recommend what I should do but until I decide to do it that's all it is. A recommendation. I'm not trying to act like I'll do what I want but essentially I'll do what I want. I'm responsible for my own mental health. No one is going to shove my meds down my throat for me. 

So I say all this not for a pat on the back for making the right decision. Quite the opposite. I'm giving you another glimpse of the madness I live with called bipolar. It's not all good days and it's not all bad days but at the end of the day I'm still trapped within the confines of this safe haven and bipolar and everything that comes with it. I'm not my bipolar as a person but I also can't deny the fact to myself that I have bipolar. Always will. That will never change. I struggle with that lack of control. Always will. That will never change. 

I know this blog is all over the place but I'm all over the place. Even medicated I can be all over the place. That's who I am dealing with what I have. I realize that's not everyone's cup of tea and I accept that as well. So to make this rambling peace of writing come to an end because I'm not a big fan of rambling, this is day one of being back on my meds. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. Am I saying this isn't going to happen again? Nope. I try to be an honest person and that includes with myself. It is immensely harder being truthful to myself. I can argue with myself better than anyone. Today I chose the truth. I feel I owe myself that. 

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan M Sullivan