Have you ever laughed and wondered if that's actually your real laugh or if you've faked it so long that you don't think you even have a real laugh anymore? Maybe conversations are just something that you're suppose to have so you've learned over time the right social cues to react to to say the right thing? More like you're an actor than a real person in life. Maybe. Not even sure about that most times it seems. Not sure about most things anymore.
I spend more and more time with myself than anyone else. I think I've become antisocial for self-preservation. I can't handle things anymore like I use to like ignorance and the mundane. The senseless conversations along with the complaining without conscious effort to make change. So in comes the self-preservation part. I have a notorious problem with keeping my thoughts to myself. With evaluating everything said, seperating the legit from the bullshit and then speaking my mind. I've learned a lot of people don't dig that. The thing is, I do that to myself constantly and treat myself worse than anyone else ever could so I guess I don't take feelings into account. Just the grating fingernails on the chalkboard feeling I get listening to it.
I know I sound like an ass and hell I probably am. I just don't know how to function in day to day situations anymore I guess. If there's a problem, fix it. Pretty simple in my world. Maybe I'm losing my empathy but to empathize with someone you have to be able to relate in some way and I guess I just don't anymore.
So these are just a small glimpse of things that trouble me. A lot. I feel like I can't be myself around people because I have nothing in common with most people anymore. I try to self-reflect constantly. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I try not to be cynical but as you can see that's still a work in progress. Perfection is unattainable sadly but sitting around in your own crap complaining that it smells like crap hasn't solved any problems that I'm aware of either. If you've made it this far into the blog just know that this is my opinion on everything. Despite the world around me, I will always hold onto my right to have one. Good thing is, you have the right not to agree with it.
With this all being said or vomitted or rambled or however you want to label it, I do battle myself with the problem of wanting to become a complete recluse every single day. There's comfort in silence. In enjoying your own company. But at what cost? Regrets that hit later in life? Not being able to choose to be alone because that's the only choice I have? Where I work, I have the entire plant to myself all night long for 12 hours and it's absolutely amazing. I'm going to have to train the new guys the routines for night shift and you know what troubles me the most? It's not that I don't know what I'm doing or how to train... it's the anxiety of being stuck with someone for 12 hours that's going to want to have conversations and be social. Changing my routine to fit theirs. Dammit.
I know I'm tired so my rose colored glasses have become clear but I find life exhausting and there's something therapeutic about closing the door to the outside world. My goal is to make sure there's still a door there instead of only four walls. To make sure that door still opens to those I love because one day I may open it only to find four more walls.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
Ryan Sullivan
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