I Don’t Need You Anymore

This is going to be very direct and to the point and to be honest, I should’ve done this years ago. 

I am tired of trying to be what everyone but myself wants me to be. I’m tired of stipulations and rules and compliance always being the clause behind friendships, girlfriends, family- everyone. I’m tired of love being held back like dog treats unless I sit, stay and roll over. 

Example number one. I’ll love my meds I’ll hate my meds. I’ll take my meds I’ll go off my meds. I understand in your world this is a huge inconvenience for you and cause for debate, your unsolicited debate, but I don’t care. I don’t give a shit. You know why? Because my bipolar isn’t about you. I struggle with it everyday, not you. You may struggle with the affects it has on me or the biproduct of but you have no clue what the actual struggle of bipolar is so until you do the last thing I’ll accept from you is your judgement. Don’t like it, don’t stick around. It’s pretty simple in my world. If this sounds selfish it’s because it is. I should’ve been more selfish a long time ago. 

Example two. I have struggled off and on for as long as I can remember with alcohol. I have never claimed I’ll be perfect. That I won’t fall off the wagon. I feel I’ve done amazing for awhile now but that might change today and then tomorrow could be better. That’s my world and I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I have a few beers from time to time. I’ll continue to have a few beers from time to time. Your opinion on the matter is exactly that, an opinion, and believe it or not I don’t have to agree with said opinion. You don’t have to agree with my opinion on the matter but I am no longer open to discussing it. Don’t like that, not my problem. 

There’s plenty of other examples but I think you’re getting my point. This blog is long overdue. I have lived the last 44 years trying so hard to make everyone around me happy that I forgot to ask myself if I was happy. Well I’m not but I will be. Because I am now making this about me. I deserve to be happy.  I’m done being told I’m a piece of shit. I’m done being told I’m a shitty dad because I refuse to be mentally and verbally assaulted for mistakes made in the past. I’m human and I’m far from perfect but I’m done paying for my sins. I’m done conforming and molding and fitting into boxes made by others and trying to be what everyone else wants me to be at the cost of my sanity. At the cost of my happiness. No wonder I don’t know who I am anymore because I literally don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve been too busy being what everyone else wanted me to be. That bullshit stops here. 

If this blog offends you then maybe you’re part of my problem. You can excuse yourself from the table. I choose happiness despite your feelings on the matter. Despite what makes you uncomfortable or disappointed or uneasy or any other descriptors I’ve heard over the years. That is your problem, not mine. I may spend the rest of my life by myself sitting in my apartment and that will be worlds better than constantly shifting to what makes everyone happy but myself. I choose happiness and I choose me. If you choose not to be a part of that I am perfectly fine with that. My happiness isn’t based off of how many people I can call friends.

 So I am done with one-sided friendships, one-sided relationships and trying to be what you need me to be to be happy at the expense of my own happiness. I am at the brink of losing my sanity and I refuse to do all this shit any longer. So if you want to be my friend or more and my happiness is just as important as yours then hi my name is Ryan. If not, I’m perfectly fine with remaining strangers and you can keep on walking. I’m done. I’m over it and I refuse to budge. It’s time to be happy again. Period. 

I’m not bipolar-I have bipolar

Ryan Sullivan