Why So Serious?

I'm back. I was back the other day but my entire story disappeared so i had to let the frustration settle before i wrote it again.

I don't like serious, in-depth conversations that need to get all touchy feely and explain why i act a certain ways towards situations. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way i do. When those conversations start, i clam up and think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

First of all, I'm still trying to get past my thinking that it's a sign of weakness to admit anything to anyone. I've told the town on radio and blog I'm bipolar so i feel like I'm making progress. Huge strides in fact. It's at my pace and this is a marathon so I'm not rushing into everything at once.

Second is i don't like giving people things they can use against me. Today it's understanding, tomorrow it's a gun loaded with your words pointed at your head. Nah...no thank you. No really, i appreciate your concern but i think im going to have to pass.

I struggle with bottling things (obviously) still and blowing up when it's finally full. I still try to think before i speak because i know i can be callous. I can be hurtful. I don't want to be but it's my gut reaction as bad as i hate to admit that. Anger is my gut reaction. I get angry and guess what? You're so pissed at me that suddenly you don't want to discuss things anymore. Mission accomplished and count it as a win.

My advice. I know that's funny but I'm great at giving it just don't expect me to follow it. Seriously, my advice I'd learn to talk. Take each person as an individual instead of lumping them in with all the ghosts of your past. Never put the cap on that internal bottle so that it can't build pressure and can slowly let the crap out as it gets full. It's hard, i know. There's a reason i go to therapy on Fridays. There's a reason I talk about my bipolar.

I'm still a work in progress and as long as i know that then I'll never stop moving forward and I'll never quit trying to make myself a better person. Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully